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It is apparently all over, what do I do now?

(30 Posts)
EasyEggs Wed 26-Aug-09 15:05:51

Dp just informed me, over the phone, that he can't be bothered with our relationship anymore and it's not worth the effort.

I have 2 ds from previous relationship, 2 dc's together and I am also currently pregnant with our 3rd. So he has basically just left me a single Mum of 5 sad

I have no idea why I am writing this as I don't have a clue what I'm hoping to gain from it I just don't know where else to turn

FlightHattendant Wed 26-Aug-09 15:11:23

Oh golly sad

How long have you been together? Were you getting on Ok until now?

Just talk it through with us. You can't be expected to have a plan at this stage.

EasyEggs Wed 26-Aug-09 15:24:30

We have been together 3.5yrs and in that time have had, almost 3 children!

We have had a history of a few big arguments, almost split up a coupe of times.

It seems to always come down to the fact that he seems to never show his feelings at all (only the anger ever appears when we argue) I don't very often feel loved or like I am worth the effort for anything. So I eventually have enough and get so angry I explode at him or just get "moody" with him.

He says it is just the way he is. Like today, it's the 9th anniversary of my dd's birth/death (not dp's) so I am obv going to be upset and wanting support. I asked him to take the day off, he then gets up and leaves me with the kids and goes to work. I got "stroppy" about it and I am supposed to know that he wasn't taking the day off anymore as we can't afford it and he asked me if I was doing anything, realising he was going to work I said no as I can't with all the kids anyway so he chose to carry on as normal.

I am in the wrong for expecting him to even try understanding how I am feeling today sadhmm

All I ever ask is to feel loved and he can't do it then when I get upset or angry about it I am always the one in the wrong

Overmydeadbody Wed 26-Aug-09 16:22:53

You cannot expect anyone to act and behave the way you want them to, it will always leave you disappointed.

Different people act and behave differently, if he is just not a man who shows his feelings much you cannot expect and assume he will be different just because you want him to be.

It sounds like the problem here boils down to a lack of effective communication and expectations and assumptions made by both parties.

Don't panic, if the relationship is over it is not the end of the world. H still has a responsibility to his three kids, you won't just be left a single mum of 5 with no support or help.

Just take each day one at a time.

First, what is the housing situation?

skyward Wed 26-Aug-09 16:35:58

Suppose you have to concentrate on the practicalities first and deal with every day as it comes. Really good luck with it all though - it's the last thing you need, especially with all the hormones raging. Keep in touch. xx

Laugs Wed 26-Aug-09 16:48:19

So sorry you're having to go through this. I know from you helping me out in the past you are a very kind and caring person and this is the very last thing you need, especially at the moment.

You say that you have a history of big arguments, so could it be that his saying it's all over is just the culmination of a big argument, rather than what he really wants/means?

Either way, you have to put the welfare of DCs and that of youur unborn baby first at the moment. I think it was you that has had some bleeding this week so you really should be taking it easy. Have you got anyone who can help out with the DCs while you have a rest? Have you got enough money to get you through the next week until you and DP can discuss things properly?

beanieb Wed 26-Aug-09 16:52:49

as skyward said, concentrate on the practicalities first like for a start where is he going to go from today onwards.

I wonder if he's going to expect to swan back in and carry on as normal and has only said this to put you 'in your place'?

be very wary if he does seem to think he can do this. I would be calling his bluff, packing him a suitcase or moving him into a spare room (if you have one) to make him aware that if this is what he has chosen to do he must go through with it and if he wants to try to make it work then it's HIM who needs to do the work.

EasyEggs Wed 26-Aug-09 17:00:11

Housing is fine, no worries there. Although it is a HA house so if he is planning to move out then I will have no income so will need to sort out housing benefit. I never wanted to be in this situation. I have no idea how I am going to cope. I don't even drive so can't go anywhere. Live in stupidly small town that has just about nothing too.

We didn't have big arguement. I though everything was ok. Silly me. I have changed my behaviour to what he seemed to want for the last few months. Have tried very hard not to get annoyed over things no matter how annoyed or upset I have actually been. I even actaully though he was going to ask me to get married, oh how ironic now.

He has never seen the point in marriage and I have tried convincing him of all the different aspects etc and he one day said ok, I thought on my birthday last week he had something planned as he was acting weird but turned out he obviously hasn't listened to a word I have ever said as it was the same as the previous years. Box of obligatory chocolates and a me to you bear from the kids, and yes I was upset, and yes that probably was irrational of me. We did talk though and I explained why I was upset and he said he understood. I thought we were getting somewhere sad

No matter how hard I seem to try nothing is good enough, I am not trying hard enough.He seems to think that everyone should think the way he does. Just because he doesn't get upset, ever, about anything then he doesn't understand why I do. I'm not asking for him to bow down at my feet I just want to feel loved.

It looks like the reason I don't feel that is because he doesn't love me. I ahve asked him this before though and he says he does but he is always very vague. Maybe I should have taken the hint.

EasyEggs Wed 26-Aug-09 17:06:39

beanie - he would go if I packed him a bag. Been here before kind of. I was calling his bluff over something and off he went, not a care in the world, he won't even call either. He would just go then come back as and when he wants to see the kids. It's so bloody unfair. I feel like crap, can't stop crying and he honestly doesn't care.

Laugs- thank you smile

Yes i did have a bleed Friday, that's another thing, I rang him to tell him I was on way to hospital and what did he say??

"oh right"

That was it. no are you ok, do you think baby is ok, nothing!! He was working a few hours away and phone call ended up with me in tears and him raging.

I am really worried about baby anyway as although they found no cause for bleed I am measuring 3wks behind, very unusual for me as I have 9lb'ers!! So on top of all that I now have even more stress and worry.

That's without mentioning rest of lifes little blinders that's been thrown at me lately

Laugs Wed 26-Aug-09 17:13:30

Honestly, if he's likely to be off for a few days, then that's probably the best place for him at the moment. I don't think you sound like you want the relationship to be over, so hopefully you will sort things out in time, but right now confrontation is the last thing you need. Are you able to get some help for a few days and take it easy? Do you have another midwife appointment re. being small for dates?

MaggieLeo Wed 26-Aug-09 17:16:44

omg, poor you. put the frighteners up him. tel him he can have 50:50 residency of his 3, as you need to ease back on the amount of childcare you're doing, so that you can rebuild your own life again... Arse. I'm so cross on your behalf.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 26-Aug-09 17:19:22

If you don't feel loved you are better off without him.

EasyEggs Wed 26-Aug-09 17:20:50

Don't have any practical help. My sister did have the 2 eldest last night for me as I was supposed to be doig something for dd's anniversary this morning but now she is going away, rest of family have very busy lives and hardly ever see them tbh.

I have another appointment in 2wks time to check growth then if no better or things are worse I'll be sent for scan. I am so much smaller this time, I have been saying that for weeks and now I know I wasn't just imagining it. Even when I have told dp how worried I am all he says is "stop worrying everything is fine"

News to me as I didn't realise he has xray vision and turned into a qualified doctor/mw/nurse!

Men don't seem to understand that when we tell them about a problem we aren't automatically asking for a solution we just want some support and understanding.

So all in all no chance of taking it easy, no, but am trying not to get too worked up and upset, I seem to be failing miserably though

MaggieLeo Wed 26-Aug-09 17:23:51

Yes, my x has Asperger's (although I only really realised that when my son was receiving a dx on the spectrum). Life is much easier when you're on your own but not feeling let down or abused, or controlled or taken for granted....

it won't be easy with 5, I only have two and I find it hard, so MAKE him face up to the fact that he can walk away from relationship but not his responsbilities.

At first you may feel you can't bear to leave the children with him, but long term, you'll be so glad you have a bit of time to get things done. Are your older two in school?

EasyEggs Wed 26-Aug-09 18:52:25

He will only see the dc's as and when he isn't working as he does long and sometimes early/late hours especially coming upto Sept/Oct. The time where I'll be needing the most help. Typical.

I really don't know how I'm going to do it by myself, ds1 and 2 are at school but dd is only just 2 and ds is only 10.5m. How am I going to fit a NB into the equation and be by myself doing it? I was worrying before but now I am totally at a loss for an answer tbh.

I know he will be fine with the providing money for things as that is his answer for everything, as long as he is working and giving us money then I should be happy. Unfortunately I seem to be the only one to realise that relationships take more than just that to survive!

mathanxiety Wed 26-Aug-09 19:33:12

He doesn't seem to understand that the relationship is the central aspect of it all. Living without a man like this is probably better than having to deal with the frustration of daily life with him. His responses to the events you have been going through with the baby are bizarrely unemotional and must be really hard for you to cope with on top of what's happening physically with the pregnancy. Make friends with your neighbours and ask your hv if you have one what resources there are for babysitting, etc. in your community.

helips Wed 26-Aug-09 19:50:35

Hi Easyeggs,

Have you had any counselling in the past re his lack of emotion? If not, could this be worth a try? It's easy for others to say you are better off without him but you have 2 kids with him and another on the way. Also you don't come across as wanting things to end. Am so sorry you are going through this, especially with everything else that has been going on and today of all days. Could you arrange to go out just the two of you without the kids to talk things through properly and calmly and go from there?

EasyEggs Thu 27-Aug-09 10:13:29

So he was working late last night so kids rang him to say goodnight. I then spoke to him on phone after, he said we would talk later.

He comes back at 10.45pm. Eats his dinner that he brought in with him then sits there in silence watching a film. I leave it a while then say "so we aren't talking then?"

He says "yes, in a minute" and proceeds to wait until film finishes before sayinf "well go on then..."

Basically all he could say/come up with was that I apparently take out everything on him. If I have bad day wit kids etc then I get arsy with him. Yes to an extent I do because by the time he is home I am wound up to the point where I just need a bit of time to calm down. He can't leave it and goes on and on as to why I'm being "moody" which then ends up with me being peed off at him which isn't what it was all about in the first place!!!

I have changed this a lot recently though and have barely said a word about my day to him for along time.

He thinks overall I treat him like dirt and walk all over him hmm

Yet he can call me all the names under the sun, belittle me and make me feel totally worthless and it's "ok" because I wound him up. Even if that is just me being upset by something.

He ended the so called conversation saying he felt it was the best idea for him to move out, at least on a break of an unspecified amount of time, as it will apparently benefit us both. I did point out the fact that it was only him who would benefit from this as it would mean he can do what he wants when he wants with no responsibilities and nobody to "answer to" if you like. Whilst I have the added pressure now of knowing I have sole responsibility for all 4 dc's and the bump, not earning any money and not being able to drive so therefore stuck here by myself.

He then turned around and said he doesn't know what he is going to do and will think about it and let me know!!!!

I spent the next 3hrs in tears, in the same room as him, he didn't say a word apart from "why don't you just go to sleep?"

Again this morning I ask where I stand and where things are heading, same response, he doesn't know and he thinks it is ok to leave me hanging like this, I am an emotional wreck sad

EasyEggs Thu 27-Aug-09 10:14:47

helpis

I have said to him before that he NEEDS to see someone for his lack of emotion etc and he agreed he doesn't have normal responses to things but won't do anything about it so I don't know what I can do

Laugs Thu 27-Aug-09 10:17:03

Hope you got some sleep last night easyeggs. Are you feeling any better about things today?

I don't have any experience of this, but I think the best thing you can do at the moment is try and rest where you can, get any help with the DCs that you can. Does the 10.5mth old sleep through yet? If so, try going to bed when the DCs do, if that's the only rest you get in the day.

Things might get easier when the elder 2 go back to school in a couple of weeks. Also our local SureStart does a session twice a week for 2 yr olds (without parents) - you could see if there's something like that available.

You are ok for money and housing aren't you? When he comes back you'll need to somehow try and get through to him his responsibility either at home with you or co-parenting if you separate. Would it be better to have someone else around when you talk this through?

Sorry if I am only concentrating on the practicalities, but being 7 months pregnant myself I cannot imagine how exhausted you must be with 4 DCs, nevermind all this extra stress. I really think you need to try and take it easy. Take things one day at a time. You still have a couple of months before the new baby arrives to get yourself sorted. Look after yourself. x

EasyEggs Thu 27-Aug-09 11:23:44

Hi Laugs.

Feeling worse if anything, as things are just left hanging and I have no idea where I stand right now (see previous post)

Had about an hours sleep so it's about all I can do to kep my eyes open right now.

I have explained to him before that if he leaves then he will have to take over some of the childcare as I know I can't do everything myself.

Just such bad timing on top of the whole situation. Kids due back at school and have no way of getting them there atm, it's ds1, 2 and 3's birthdays in Oct so have all that to sort out. Then baby due Nov. We moved a couple of months ago and there are still a million things that need to be done here to even be ready for having baby. It's all such a mess.

I don't really have any practical help with dc's so will just have to get on with it.

Housing is fine and I know I'll be given money by him to pay for food etc as I have nothing.

I just can't cope with this sitting and waiting for him to make a decision. It's me and the kids that are suffering and he doesn't give a monkeys. Well not the kids exactly as they don't know what is going on but they will sad

SheWillBeLoved Thu 27-Aug-09 11:47:04

Call his bluff and make the decision for him. Flip the situation on it's head and take the 'power' away from him. Leaving you hanging is not on, no one needs that amount of stress/upset when pregnant.

My DP walked out 2 weeks ago and left me with our 2 week old DD. He then tried to worm his way back once he had flipped the situation on it's head and made me feel I was in the wrong. Thanks to some wonderful advice on here, I've regained the power and he is free to be a fuckwit elsewhere.

I can almost guarantee that your DP won't be going anywhere. If he was, he would have gone by now and wouldn't be hanging around buying time by saying he will 'think about it'. If you really want him to stay - then I'm sure you're both aware of the problems that need addressing. But please know, you will be okay without him. It's something I'm coming to realize myself - and whilst I appreciate you have more children and are pregnant - there is help you can get. Don't be afraid to ask for it. Good luck, and look after yourself for bumps sake!

EasyEggs Thu 27-Aug-09 12:12:46

Sorry to hear about you and your dp sad But glad to hear you seem to be dealing with it all amazingly well.

Why do men have to act like children all the time?!

There is absolutely no point in me calling his bluff. If I tell/ask him to leave he will, no questions asked, wouldn't even bother him, that's the sad fact. So I'm at a dead end it seems.

I think he only hasn't gone as work has been too busy and he hasn't had time to pack anything!

Laugs Fri 28-Aug-09 16:19:53

Hi, sorry I didn't reply yesterday. Our laptop has broken so I've just popped into the library. His behaviour seems so strange! Like he's not even aware of the impact his leaving or not would have on your family.

What do you want to happen?

Did he stay elsewhere last night in the end? I think if he's just going to sit there and not even talk to you at home, you'd probably get more rest if you were on your own.

Are there buses the older DCs can get to school? Or a neighbour who could give them lifts for a while? If not, DP will have to be in charge of taking them to school even if he moves out.

I know you said your family is really busy, but since this is bank holiday weekend, they will at least have some time off work - could you encourage your/his parents to take their grandchildren for a few hours/the day/ the whole weekend? I'm sure if you explain they will be more than happy to help out.

(by the way, if we can't get the laptop fixed I won't be back on here until after the weekend as library is closed, but I am still thinking of you and hoping you're taking care of yourself)

Purplepanettone Fri 28-Aug-09 17:00:43

Sorry to hear about your DD. I hope you are OK.

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