Need opinions about my Mum please;

[mpuddleduck]

Iam sorry this is long,
I would say Mum and I have never been best friends. Dad died 12 yrs ago and she hasn't really coped since then.She is depressed, but refuses antidepressents.
She has lost most of her friends because of her moaning and reliance on them.
When we lived close by she used to rely on me to run her here, there and everywhere, which I didn't mind, but there was no thought for the children.

My H and I moved to the other end of the country 7 years ago and she has never been happy with this. She won't travel on her own so we don't see her very often.
We offered her to come with us, but she doesn't like where we live, so refused.

Since we have moved she has developed breathing problems and a bad hip,is always saying how ill she is and reliant on steroids despite her gps advice to stop them.

Anyway I seperated from H in may and she has done nothing but make picky remarks about him since, often saying "well are you going to take him back?" and constantly asking if he is going to pay maintenance for the children etc.

This morning she reduced me to tears once again, saying I don't care about her, if we lived somewhere different we could have a big house together and she could go out with the children.
She did the life is not worth living, which I now take with a pinch of salt, but it does hurt, Iam busy with 4 children, a job, animals and a big garden to manage.

Iam still stuggling with my seperation from dh and whether Iam doing the right thing,but now I feel like maybe I should move my family and be the dutiful daughter, although I know both my children and I would be miserable. I just don't know anymore.

[Tortington]

you hav your family.

she is lonely

thats her problem not yours.

you could help her - see what groups there are in the area etc.

but you really need to tell her that she isn't being fair.

you really need to tell her to stop

[Fruitysunshine]

I have a very similar situation with my mum, although it has gotten better over the last 2 years. My dad died 7 years ago and I was the one that my mum turned to and although I loved supporting her it meant putting my own grief aside to do it. At times my family have inadvertenly come second place to my mums problems but I have gotten stronger and gained confidence in standing up to her demands.

I think that until you and your husband make any final/binding decisions that you should stay put. I assume if you move your children back to your mums area that they will lose time with their dad? That is something that seriously needs to be considered as well as helping them cope with their parents breakup.

I would perhaps talk a bit less to your mum generally. I had to talk to mine several times a day, every day for a while but not now. You really do need to put you and your children first - this is your life and your mums ailments, whilst unfortunate, are not your priority. You and your children are.

Keep strong and I hope things work out for you all.

[mpuddleduck]

custardo, I have tried suggesting she joins a group to make friends, but she just thinks Iam trying to palm her off on someone else.

My children are definately my priority,and they want to stay here at the moment,even though their dad has moved back south.

Thank you for replying, I don't have anyone in rl to ask.

[Tortington]

my nan once rang and said something like "oh your phone does work then!" and hung up

she had no comprehension of what had been going on and so i rang her back and i asked why she spoke to me that way when she didn't ring my cousin or her son or DIL and speak to them in the same wya

sometimes it just has to be done.

[mathanxiety]

Sorry she doesn't seem to be there for you as you go through the separation etc., but instead is just one more damn thing to deal with. I'm guessing you have no siblings? You really can't help people who are determined not to help themselves.

[2rebecca]

I would definitely not move nearer unless you are a total masochist. She needs to become more independant and less dependant on you. I would push the join a club, go to nightschool find some friends angle. You are trying to palm her off on someone else, her. She should be more self relient and start looking at things she can enjoy in life. It sounds as though if you move nearer she still won't be happy and will just drag you down.
I would phone her less at the moment as she is so unsupportive. Sort yourself out. She sounds very draining and selfish.
If she's been like this for years then it's probably as much her personality as a depressive illness as even without antidepressants depression resolves in time in most people.
She shouldn't expect your life to revolve around her or hers to revolve around you.

[NanaNina]

Mpuddleduck - it sounds to me as though your mum has more invested in being negative and moaning about her life and health etc than she has in making efforts to improve her quality of life. I think with people like this it is fairly futile to try to talk of joining clubs whatever as they are hell bent in being in the "victim" position in life.

Your mum sounds very self centred and expects that you should uproot yourself and your children to please her, which in all probability wouldn't please her anyway, as she would probably find something else to moan about. I think she is trying to make you feel guilty and this is so unfair. In a a way it is sad for your mum that she is so unhappy and unfulfilled but you are not responsible for this. Anti depressants probably wouldn't help anyway as they would only treat the symptoms and not address the root cause of her unhappiness.

I think you should concentrate your emotional energies on looking after yourself in the aftermath of your separation, and your children who must be affected in some way by the fact that their father is no longer at home. Maybe you just have to accept the fact that your mother is always going to be too wrapped up with her own needs to offer you any real support. Do try to resist getting sucked into her attempts to make you feel guilty and do what she wants you to do.

Sorry have just noticed I am repeating what others have said.

Stay strong and sending you good wishes

[skybright]

but now I feel like maybe I should move my family and be the dutiful daughter, although I know both my children and I would be miserable..... i think you answered you're own question,it would make you miserable plus it sounds to me that you have in the past opened her with open arms to stay nearby and she made a decision not to.

The way she treats and pushes others away plus does not want to seek any help are all her choices and not your responsibility.

[mpuddleduck]

Thank you all for your replies, Iam feeling quite low, and unsure at the moment and it is reassuring and helpful to hear your thoughts.
It is my wedding anniversary tomorrow and although it was my choice to seperate I do feel very sad, we will have been married for 18 years.
My youngest dd (2yrs)said today,"when will I see daddy?"
All my mum went on about tonight was how she hates being in the house on her own at night and I should be asking dh for maintenance.

[Uriel]

How often is she ringing you - is it really twice a day?

[Fruitysunshine]

Have you tried saying to her "MUM,I am having difficulty coping with the situation which is my life right now and I need you to be more supportive of me and less critical..."

?

If she is anything like my mum she would respond with "Oh well, I won't bother talking then shall I?"

[mpuddleduck]

Fruitysunshine, yes she twists everything to suit her, and would be most upset and reje cted if I said something like that.

She is phoning once a day, 9pm every evening, apart from the days where she says "so will you phone me tomorrow."
At 9pm most evenings Iam only just sitting down after doing all the things that need doing in a day.

It was actually a relief today just to hear her moaning about the man who lives next door and how she didn't sleep last night, I was dreading her mentioning our wedding anniversary.