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Not that bad just feeling sad

(20 Posts)
abitlonesome Sun 16-Aug-09 23:34:23

Hi, I really need some words of wisdom because my life doesn't seem to be where it should be right now, or at least I am not enjoying it as I was. I started off ok, went to uni and got a degree, met a sweet guy who I dated, started work, and now still with the same guy - we actually have a toddler together, and I am a young-ish and fun mum.
Despite any negative comments I write here, I am confident that I am bringing up DS in a loving home environment with plenty of stimulation and exciting outings plus visits to relatives.
My partner is a sweet man, unfortunately he is ill - and unemployed - and the health problems he has do not look like they are going away. I have been with him for a number of years now and whilst I still love him, I often look at him with pity and even loathing. His faults are more than clear to me.
I am studying and hope to be employed full time once more in the next year.
However I am finding London such a lonely place, the other local mums never seem to be that friendly or similar, so I spend a lot of time taking my DS to stay and plays and the park alone. I am finding myself going mad being with a guy who is 'ill' and who sleeps and ignores me for much of the time and then goes out drinking some weekends. It is a drag to be with the guy, always worrying about his health, his doctors appointments, his needs. If I want to go out on a night out, apart from the fact we cannot afford a babysitter he wants to take the car, which he asked me to buy for him because he has anxiety and has difficulty in walking outside, so I end up having a stressful time trying to drive us around London which is not my idea of fun. Recently I have become obsessed with the idea of having an affair, which I hate myself for. Obviously somehow this is supposed to make me feel more loved or validated because another man wants me. But I know I'm thinking of this because I don't have a good enough reason to actually break up with the father of my baby. He hasn't done anything wrong apart from natural grumpiness and frustration at his situation. Sometimes I try to explain to him that I wish I could go back 5 yrs to when we were just having fun but he hates that kind of talk.
--Is it normal to feel like this when you are a SAHM or am I missing something?-- I can't seem to control my desire to have an affair at the moment, but I also wondered if this is linked to having just gone back on the pill a few days ago!!!

so he sleeps and doesnt talk to you because he is ill, but finds the time and engry to go out drinking at weekends? Does he do much with your ds?
Could you move out of London?
Its hard work being a carer for a child, let alone a grown man.

abitlonesome Sun 16-Aug-09 23:46:43

He does talk to me, but you know what its like with a NORMAL person, and then someone who just stays at home... and can only get the confidence to leave home by getting tipsy... its not very intellectually stimulating. Yes he tries to do as much as poss with DS in fact he finds the pushchair helps him get out and about. !!! Thanks for replying. I guess I let him get away with it because I think he must get bored of not having a life.

abitlonesome Sun 16-Aug-09 23:48:07

I love my DS but I start to wish I'd known this guy was not the MAN that I need before -- he had a stroke when I was preg. sad

Anonymumandlikeit Sun 16-Aug-09 23:55:46


Am in a similar but not quite same sit.

My dp becme very poorly 2 years ago and from being a bloke who worked full time he got a horid chronic illness that has left him being a shadow of his former self and now quite dependent upon me.I have 2 dc who are quite young the littlest is diabled.I am older than you though and I suppose this makes it a bit different.Dp also refuses to communicate a lot,he is being treated for depression related to his poor health.His illnes has affected anything sexual inour relationship and it is very difficult,I can empathise.

It can be very lonely.

Do you get ANY support with your dp,any family?

I am also a bit sceptical at the "Going out drinking at weekends" for your sake,surely if he can do this he can contribute a little more to your family life?

Do you really love this man?I have been with my oh for 14 years and before he got ill it was the forever thing,and I now could never leave him even tho he is often difficult to live with,like another child, he is the father of my children and needs support,but I often get frustrated and lonely.

Does he have any kind of mental health support?

Would he accept this?

And for yourself,do you get any time out?

big big hug.Can relate xxx

abitlonesome Mon 17-Aug-09 00:17:07

Thanks, and I'm sure you are fighting harder than I have to. It must be esp hard with 2 chn. You sound very strong.
He does help me, by looking after DS whenever I need to go out to work/study although at the moment I am home full-time. I have made an unfortunate situation worse for myself because; my parents did not support me in my relationship with DP as did not think he was suitable and we have not told them he is ill.. they think he works. My parents are VERY judgemental in fact my Dad disowned me when I got preg. My mum would not think I should waste yrs of my life with my DP if she knew how ill he is. I have been lying because everytime some health problem comes up we think its a temporary situation and then it turns out not to be.
I certainly was very much in love with him at the start and still love/care for him enough to want his attention and love. I want us to go out, and spend time together and do something special. Its been 5 yrs and the health problems get worse and worse, first there seemed to be a drink problem, then I realised he had agoraphobia, I explained what this was and he realised he was drinking to give him confidence and gave up drinking dependence with help from his GP. He has lots of (I think minor) health, mobility problems which he feels stop him from leaving the house, definitely from seeking employment until these problems are resolved. I'm sure he would benefit from mental health help and I believe he is on waiting lists. I always thought I could be the main provider and pull our little family along myself. I think it doesn't help that he wants me to be a 'little woman' ironing and cleaning and cooking because that is what his family expects and I end up feeling like this is what women do for men who provide an income for the family.

abitlonesome Mon 17-Aug-09 00:21:09

Its so hard to take health problems seriously when they are 'invisible' health problems, and also undiagnosed. I don't really want anything other than for me to make our family life a bit better, bring in a bit more money so we can afford to treat ourselves sometimes because I'm always counting pennies a.t.m. I think maybe I've just been a bit - hormonal or something!

ideasplz Mon 17-Aug-09 00:22:12

thats a very hard situation to come out i guess.
so, what do you think can/will happen?

abitlonesome Mon 17-Aug-09 00:26:09

Anonymum do you stay home full time? That must be very intense with you taking care of everything and everyone. I don't know how you do it.
My DP is not in need of help at home, apart from many false alarms that we have had where he thinks he may have a stroke/heart attack.

Anonymumandlikeit Mon 17-Aug-09 00:28:19

No I don't think youare beingunreaonable or weak

It took ages to get dp to see someone about being depressed about his health.It is still no where near being right,he is having ad and has MH support but is beingcagey aboutaepting cbt.Meanwhile I am carrying on dealing with dc etc,workingand trying desperately hard not to feel angry about it all,cos I know his illness is not his fault but it is so easy to feel burdened by all of the caring.

I am not always strong,tonight I am still up cos ds on a sleepover and d safe in bed oh in hospital and I amsipping wine,nota good solution relly but almost a night off.

What about YOU?do youget support as a carer?

Anonymumandlikeit Mon 17-Aug-09 00:31:26

Typing has gone belly up,sorry.Am 2 finger typist and was typing fast!

abitlonesome Mon 17-Aug-09 00:37:36

erm... I just walk a lot at the moment. That's my therapy/support especially when DS is sleeping in the pushchair and I can walk for ages! We have had his sister take DS for babysitting about 3 times in 2 years. Its hard to trust other ppl/afford babysitters. Sometimes I leave DS with DP and I can go out e.g. on a Friday night but I sort of feel like I've forgotten who I used to be, and what would be fun to do in spare time!?!

Anonymumandlikeit Mon 17-Aug-09 00:46:58

Yep,know that feeling and i am nearly 40!

Because of dd we have had some recent input from ss which hasn't been nearly as scary as it sounds.They have provided a carer for when I am at work.Do you have anyone who could look after your dc/dh so you could get out now and again?It might be worth contacting your hv.I was very hmm when ss was first suggested as your initialthought about ss is all the media stuff but actually they have been greatly helpful.

I really miss goingout sometimes

I miss seeing live music and the theatre.

What about voluntary organisations?Carers support groups?

abitlonesome Mon 17-Aug-09 00:54:20

It sounds like there is a lot of help out there... Yes asking SS for help sounds a bit scary. thanks I should do some decent research. I must get some sleep now, but thanks a lot for those thoughts.

Anonymumandlikeit Mon 17-Aug-09 00:57:17

Oh and what about stuff through your Uni?When I was at uni (Albeit many moons ago),there was stuff that could be accessed by student services

I had to bite the bullet re getting help as I felt i had failed in some way,but really,if this stuff makes your life easier and allows you time to be you again,why not?

I railed against it al for ages,thinking I could do it all with no help.

Anonymumandlikeit Mon 17-Aug-09 00:59:27

take care abit xxx.I must sleep too!Night xx

skymoo Mon 17-Aug-09 01:01:17


had a look at the dim t site, looks fantastic, however after doing a bit of googling, please see the link below


Anonymumandlikeit Mon 17-Aug-09 01:02:00

Oh bugger, just re read.thought you were still at uni,sorry,ignore post.

really is time for bed.

sleep wellxx

skymoo Mon 17-Aug-09 01:02:23

oops sorry, posted on wrong thread...could anyone move this to the dh 50th one please blush

Anonymumandlikeit Mon 17-Aug-09 01:03:58

Bit puzzled by organic food climate changing lentil weavery link tho.

Deffo bedtime


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