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Been snooping, don't know what to do next.

(14 Posts)
ADifferentMe Thu 13-Aug-09 15:33:55

Been married for many years, not always happily. DH has a drink problem but won't admit it to himself or anyone else. I attended an Al Anon meeting once last month and found it helpful, but haven't managed to go again.

Have caught DH out in many lies in the past but he always manages to make it my fault that he's lied hmm

I've had suspicions about a woman he works with for some time now and started checking his phone bill. Every time he goes out, he calls her immediately. He went to a stag do a few weeks ago and this happened. During the evening he made several calls to the friend he'd told me he was with, so presumably that was the cover story.

Last night he was going for a drink with some friends. The phone call to her happened as usual and he then withdrew money from a cash machine in a town in the opposite direction to where he said he went.

I need to sort this out but I'm worried it's going to be the same old excuses. I think perhaps I want him to go (23rd anniversary next week sad) as I can't take much more of the lying, drink and debt.

I've never met anyone he works with - he's always kept me separate from his friends and we only socialise with my friends and their husbands.

Malificence Thu 13-Aug-09 16:02:33

Pack his bags and put them by the door - he has no respect for you at all.
Liars and cheats always try to put the blame for their inadequacies onto someone else, anyone but themselves because the truth of what they are is something they can't face up to.
Let this other woman have him , how many more years are you going to waste on him? It's clear he has no intention of changing his ways.
When he tries to turn it around on you, think of how you feel when he goes out of the door and his first thought is to ring his bit on the side.
Get angry and get rid of him, he probably needs you far more than you need him.
23 years is enough time to have sacrificed yourself for his benefit, he's not worth it.

It took my sister 25 years to get shot of her serial adulterer of a husband - he nearly destroyed her with his lies and made her doubt her own sanity many times - she's a different person now,a stronger person, thankfully.

mrsboogie Thu 13-Aug-09 16:20:33

I second every word of what malificence said.. Take back your life and bin him off. He is of no use to you.

Get the OW's number and next time he is with her just ring her and say he's all yours love and his stuff is outside he front door of my house. Get the locks changed also.

nje3006 Thu 13-Aug-09 18:02:17

Sounds like he is having some kind of affair. With the drinking, that is going to be much more difficult to fix.

What do you want to do?

How do you want your life to be...?

FlightHattendant Thu 13-Aug-09 18:05:48

I'm so sound so fed up, so abused.

I'm glad you are starting to want to fight back, as it were - and try and get back your own life.

I think he has taken enough from you now.

God speed x

squilly Thu 13-Aug-09 18:48:46

My sister kicked her husband out after 28 years of marriage. She was heartily sick of his lies, drinking and general abuse. She had two teenaged kids and they all lived a bloody awful life.

After he'd gone my sister put up with years of struggle in council accomodation, the kids went through various rebellions and things were tough.

BUT for all the bad bits of being broke and pushed to the limit emotionally at times, she said it was the best decision she ever made.

10 years later and she's got a new man, a new council house, 2 lovely grown daughters and, now, 2 baby grandchildren. She has a great life and is loving being single.

Her ex, however, died a few years after he left. He'd pushed his kids away and rarely saw them in the last years of his life. He basically drank himself to death.

You sound like you're in a horrible situation and you have made the decision to address it. You will need strength and focus to do this, but this is how you have to start.

I used to say to my sister when she queried whether she should leave him/kick him out...This is how life has been for you for years, now. Imagine yourself 10 years from now. Will things be better? Will he have changed? Will you be happier, or will he be grumpier, drunker, more of a pain in the arse?

She finally realised, the sooner she made the break, the sooner she got her life back.

I hope you manage to get your life back too.

Hassled Thu 13-Aug-09 18:56:45

I think you've probably got the proof you need. What you don't know is whether it's reciprocated - I mean it could be that the colleague isn't interested and that he's just persistent, but that seems unlikely. And the will to cheat is clearly there.

If you want him to go, plan carefully before you tackle him. Get everything you want to happen straight in your mind first. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this.

Overmydeadbody Thu 13-Aug-09 19:06:30

Regardless of whether or not it is a full-blown affair, your DH is not being honest with you and is lying and covering up and keeping you seperate from his colleagues, so he obviously has no respect for you.

Leave him, but do what Hassled says and get it all sorted in your head before you tell him.

He will most likely react by blaming you or trying to manipulate the situation so that you feel you are in the wrong or doing something wrong, so make sure you are prepared and strong.

You deserve better.

mathanxiety Fri 14-Aug-09 01:48:20

Pack his things. There are worse things than being single. Change the locks.
Do you want to grow old with this man?

PurpleOne Fri 14-Aug-09 03:31:29

23 years and you've never met his friends or work colleagues?

Good grief!

Get rid. He does not respect you.

ADifferentMe Fri 14-Aug-09 09:22:31

Thanks everyone.

Hassled & OMDB, you seem to have sussed him pretty well from my post.

This sort of situation seems to erupt quite regularly and I always blow it by not handling it properly.

I know it will be my fault - we have no sex life, partly because he's usually asleep by 8pm having drunk too much. I was lying in bed listening to him last night wondering whether to dial the OW's number and just let her hear him - at least I haven't lost my sense of humour.

Math - no, but I want to grow old with the man he can be sometimes. I still get glimpses of the old him.

ADifferentMe Sun 16-Aug-09 19:31:05

Update - I confronted him last night and as expected, he denied everything. Strangely he didn't comment on my snooping.

He says he phoned her because he was giving her a lift to the leaving do. I find it odd that he didn't mention it when I offered him a lift so he could have a drink.

He says the time he was at the stag night he can't remember why he phoned her as soon as he left the house. He claims that he called the guy who's getting married several times that evening because he never turned up (at his own stag do hmm) so he sat in the pub on his own for two hours. I don't believe him.

It then erupted into a row about his drinking and over-spending. He just went into a huge sulk about how he doesn't spend as much money as his friends. I pointed out that they are almost all single and childless (as well as 20 years younger than him) but he doesn't understand why that makes a difference.

Unfortunately we got interrupted by DDs, the youngest of whom was really upset. Eldest just calmly pointed out to me later that he's got a lot more to lose than me.

I would like him to move out, even if only temporarily, to sort out his drinking and whatever else is going on in his life. He's obviously feeling bad today because he cleaned my car!

I sent a blank text to OW from his phone and got no response. I think she's been tipped off.

Kally Mon 17-Aug-09 09:27:40

I just have to say I'm sorry for what you are going thru. A lot of the time I read posts on here and they seem so massive I just can't offer advise or comment.
But this time reading this, I just thought of myself and what I went thru. My XH wasn't a drinker but a lying deceptive wanker who also 'did' things I couldn't account for and had this 'other side' to his nature. Vague, secret, furtive, avoiding answering things...
I was married for 26 years! Married at 19 and divorced 26 years later. I had two teenagers and one latelife child. I lived in his country, totally adapted to HIS way of life. (not complaining, I loved the country and my good friends and 'his' family around me there, they were good people).
I upped and left and came back home to the UK. Left everything behind. It finally got to the point where I had to save myself. I needed to feel me again and get back up off my knees and stop wasting every living moment on thinking 'what is he up to now,.. what is this all about,' his moods, his flips, his grumpiness, the rows... Enough!!!
Somehow, find the strength. You will look back and wish you had done it sooner, like I do, every day. I am now 52. I have a new man who I adore but keep at a safe distance, my children are happier, my life is my own, peaceful, serene and 'up to me'. I am in no way rich, I work part time, make ends meet. But whatever I do I haven't got that nagging feeling every time I get into bed. I sleep peacefully. It is do'able. Whereas what you feel now is just one long chore. Do you deserve that? You have to think, 'I want to be happy and I am going to make a change'. Bin him.

ADifferentMe Mon 17-Aug-09 10:03:46

Thanks Kally, glad to hear things worked out for you and interesting to see the parallels.

We've had a horrible weekend. We seem to have a pattern where I put up with a lot then explode. He denies everything then starts helping around the house as if that makes up for the drink and the woman.

I am completely confused. Basically he is a good kind man but I don't think I can take any more unless he gets some help, which he won't do because he says he doesn't have a problem. I'm going to ask him to move out for a while but I suspect he'll refuse.

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