grr. . . . . my mum LONG SORRY (can't sleep)

[SammyK]

I think I can handle her but she has such an effect on me. To cut a long story short abused by my dad as a child, parents had bad relationship, divorced, etc. I went to police as a teen after had left home and young stepsis told her mum what had been goign on with her. My mum confided in my sis that she had suspected he was like that (but continued to live in denial/cuckoo land with her 3 DDs).

She is (and always has been) depressed, emotionally draining, manipulative, needy, naiive, and a bit useless. I try to limit my time with her, sometimes see her on a weekend at hers, and sometimes invite her here for tea. But when I have seen her I just feel drained, and sad, and angry. Sometimes let her have DS as they adore each other, but have to take food for him as she never has anything in, or nothing appropriate, he usually comes home tired and hungry.

Sometimes she can be supportive, other times is too self involved, or will say can't help in a certain way and then will change her mind. I got rid of my home phone when I was culling bills and the main incentive was my mum wouldn't be able to call me and keep me on the phone for hours on end (in a one sided conversation all about her). However she now emails me instead. {sigh}

Obviously I have no contact with my dad, and also feel like I don't have a 'real' mum either. DP gets frustrated as he says I don't put up with from anyone but my mum really gets under my skin and upsets me. Sometimes I think I just houldn't bother as one of my sisters does but I can't bring myself to do it.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, feels god to get it off my chest!

[SammyK]

Oh well

better go try the sleep thing again, DS will be waking me up in the morning regardless!

[misbag]

I can't help I am afraid as I have no experience at all in this area - but can't sleep myself so just thought I would show some support by posting for you. I am sure someone will post who can help, there is just bound to be someone who has had/is having a similar experience.

So sorry that you have had to put up with such shit - you sound like a lovely caring person, I hope you had some help for your abuse, I have a friend who suffered similar stuff and who still has great problems dealing with the aftermath.

Good luck

[tammybear]

Sorry to hear this SammyK. Sounds an awful lot like my relationship with my mum, except she abused me when I was little when my dad left us, but didn't touch one of my 3 siblings.

I can't give any advice, as I really struggle with my mum. Would be happy to cut all ties, but my DD loves her very much so I can't see me doing that to DD. It's a tough thing to deal with.

All I can say is that I completely sympthasise with how you feel. And sorry I can't be any more help, but didn't want you to feel alone. Hope you can sleep.

[Niecie]

I'm sorry I don't know what to say really but I didn't want your post to go unnoticed. You sound like you are having a tough time.

Have you seen the stately home thread - it is all about toxic parents. Sounds to me like your mother would fit right in there with the other toxic parents.

I hope you get some sleep though and aren't reading this until morning.

[DollyPS]

Well, if she's all that and no bananas, ban her. You can you know - you have the power. Lay down the law................ and stop feeling guilty about it! You are doing what is right for your family - all of them - so, you may be accountable later, well I think you could put up a good case for why you did it, so do it................

Or do you want her to stay involved and want a workable solution that will keep her in your lives..............

because you know exactly what I'm going to say honey - you can't change other people, you either have to swallow it and deal with her - or get rid.

[Lemonylemon]

SammyK - read the Stately Home thread, you might find that really useful.

Apart from that, I have no advice because I have a mum who's a bit narcissistic and have had to try to sort out a workable siutation with her.....

Actually, your mum sounds a bit like mine

[DutchGirly]

Hi,

I really feel for you I cut off all contact with my abusive, toxic parents when I was 17, my live is so much better without them. I haven't spoken to either of them for about 18 years now and I have not regretted it for a second. My advice is to get this book

Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

I promise if you read this, it will be an eye opener. Thing to remember is , would you be friends with a person like your mother? Would you accept behaviour like hre from a friend? Just because she is a parent, doesn't mean you HAVE to be in touch.

[SammyK]

Thanks for all these replies, I surprisingly did get to sleep last night when I went back up to bed. I seem to have phases where I fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow, then other times will have a span of really struggling to sleep well.

I actually own the toxic parents book, but whenever I start to read it I feel overwhelmed and put it down. Have tried to read a few times now and can't seem to get through it.

Dutchygirl, I wouldn't put up with this behaviour from a friend no. I don't have many RL friends as I find it hard to let people in and trust them, yet I keep letting my mum 'in' and usually regret it.

Have never had counselling, did ask for it at one point from GP and was referred to a mental health care team member of staff who sent me away with worksheets of reading material and excercises, never went back.

I think I will force myself to read the Toxic book. Have been immersed in books about autism recently as DS is currently being assessed so we have a formal diagnosis. Will check out the stately homes thread too.

Sometimes I think her heart is in the right place and she is just useles, sometimes I think she is so selfish, manipulative an self involved. Thanks again to everyone who replied.

[DutchGirly]

Please work through the Toxic parents book, it will force you to really think about your relationship with your mother and then you can make the decision that is right for you. I know it can be very hard work as it releases many emotions but just do it, you will feel so much better as you understand what motivates people to do certain things etc.

You can demand psycho therapy counselling via your GP, you may have to push for it but you are entitled to it.

I really think therapy is right for you, you need to make peace with your past.

As a mother myself, there is absolutely no way I would look the other way if I had any suspicions regarding abuse, a parent's job is to nurture and protect her/his children under any circumstances. Just because a woman has given birth, that does not make you a 'mother' if you get my drift. You can't force somebody to change, however much you try and love them.

Please feel free to PM me if you need to chat.

[SammyK]

thanks dutchgirly - I will definately dig out the book and get stuck into it.

Your post about a mother protecting her children struck a chord as I also had a nasty accident as a tot which I have a large scar from now as well as my invisible ones. The accident as a single incident in childhood I think I would be forgiving of but along with everything else I find it hard not to be angry about it TBH.

Have other things going on right now with DS and my health, so although I think counselling would help, I think it will have to wait. Mind you do you think there is a long wait anyway via NHS?