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wondering why I bother, do I have a husband or 3 children?

(16 Posts)
thesockmonsterofdoom Tue 11-Aug-09 11:08:11

Sorry just need to have a rant and here seems the best place for it.
Aftre a very serious discussion the other week anbout dh never thinking of me blah de blah, he organised a babysitter and we went out.
we hAVE had a lovely holiday and everything seemed to be getting back on track.
this thursday he has a staff bbq with his work and has organised my mum to babysit, fair enough, next thursday heb has tickets for u2, he was going to ask my mum again, thing is my mum goes dancing on a thursday, and wouldnt dream of telling dh no, so would cancel it for the second week running, she already looks after the dc 3 evening a week while I work.
Then dh has orgainsed a weekend away inOct with his mates, agfain fine but he hasnt organised any childcare and I will be at work. I have now orgainsed a friend to look after dc next thurs, will have to see what I can come up with for Oct, why does it always come down to me and why does he never think about the bloody child care. And why does he just assume it is ok to ask my mum all the time, my mum is recovering from a breakdown last year where she attempted suicide because she thought nobody cared about her, how is it going to make her feel if every other thing he says to her is can you look after the dc then, and then, and then when she is already helping us out so much by looking aft5er them while I work.
grrrrrrrrr.
I have been back in a happy plac3e with dh, I was on the verge of leaving and now I feel really really angry again.
I have tried num erous times to organise things that i want to do but they always end nup getting cancelled because of child care.
He is taking the dc to his parents this weekend to give me a break and I am looking forward to it, but I am expected to be grateful when I usually takje the dc to his parents for a week every school holiday and it is no big deal.
Sorry rant over.

rosiest Tue 11-Aug-09 11:40:55

I think most men have that part of their brain missing. I am the same DH takes our 3 ds out every now and then and expects a pat on the back, whereas I'm forever going out and giving him a break but do not get the same reaction. I feel the strain has really started since we had DS3 nearly a year ago. Feels like one more child has just tipped the balance too much.
So I know how you feel but can offer no advice. Sorry! Its good to rant though!

StinkyFart Tue 11-Aug-09 11:42:17

You are enabling him to be pathetic by organising for him

Sorry

rosiest Tue 11-Aug-09 11:48:46

Sorry to any men who are not like this BTW!

thesockmonsterofdoom Tue 11-Aug-09 11:52:46

stinky I know, but if I dont he will ask my mum and she wont say no.

OhBling Tue 11-Aug-09 11:58:58

Asking your mum is just as bad as not asking anyone - and even worse, it's allowing to take the "but I tried to sort it out and now you're not happy so go on and do it yourself" approach.

Tell him your mum is not an option - he is being disrespectful to her as well as you by ignoring her needs. And then tell him to sort it out.

easier said than done, I know.

On plus side - he does seem to be at least trying. Now perhaps the goal is to make him try in a more effective way?

thesockmonsterofdoom Tue 11-Aug-09 12:09:34

pmsl, It's like trying to teach a toddler social skills sometimes, I struggle to remind myself that he is a grown man. thing is that he doesnt really have any friends that he could ask, although he could ask my friends, I wouldnt really mind taking the time off if it wasnt such an after thought, like next week, I have only just started work and feel a bit self concious asking for time off at short notice all the time.

mamas12 Tue 11-Aug-09 12:11:05

You need lots more weekends on your own and he needs lots more time on his own with dcs. Why does your mum look after them in evenings, isn't your dh there too?

thesockmonsterofdoom Tue 11-Aug-09 12:22:37

I work evenings, dh picks the dc up from my mum at 6 when he has finished work and brings them home, I do go out lots with my friends, dh doesnt really have any friends locaslly so whren he goes out it tends to be for the weekend I work on sats so this is a bit of a problem now.

mamas12 Tue 11-Aug-09 12:38:19

hmmm
Yes it is a problem. Can you sit down with him and get the calender out and do a sort of rota or something demonstrate the balance of childcare after work re: going out, seperately and together.
Or maybe you could look at it first to satisfy yourself what you want to achieve.
On his 'time' so to speak he needs to ask you first if you are available and then someone else NOT your mum.
And I also think both of you should take your mum out sometimes too.

thesockmonsterofdoom Tue 11-Aug-09 12:47:30

Good plan re taking my mum out, he is away this weekend, may ask if she wants to go out for dinner on friday.
I think the problem is that he sees time that he is not at work as his own, and almost forgets that i work now. I do go out but only when he is available to look after dc. the going out together is something we are trying to work on.

mamas12 Tue 11-Aug-09 13:44:01

Hence the calender to make some 'dates'

cheesesarnie Tue 11-Aug-09 14:00:14

your dh sounds just like mine.we both come from big families,both have families near us but its always my mum and childcare is never an issue to him.if we go anywhere its me who sorts out the dc.

mathanxiety Fri 14-Aug-09 01:40:03

Yeah the calendar is a good idea, and taking your Mum out is a nice way to say thanks and to make her feel appreciated. Seems like she's a good horse that's being flogged to death. Maybe if DH had to try to get a local teenager to commit to babysit he'd understand that taking time away from the kids isn't something he should take for granted. I live thousands of miles from any family and finding someone reliable to babysit was hell. Whenever we went out I had to call several teens and wait for at least one of them to return my call, ofter until the last day before the date, and many times had to cancel plans when the babysitter either didn't call back or pulled out at the last minute. Very frustrating.
As a matter of fact, I kinda knew it was over between H and me when he said, and I quote, "Why don't you hire a babysitter, decide where you want to go and make a reservation, and I'll take you out to dinner." Of course, there were a lot of other things wrong with this man, but really....

mathanxiety Fri 14-Aug-09 01:44:45

The calendar is a great idea. So is taking your poor mum out for something nice. You're lucky to have family nearby for babysitting -- I live thousands of miles away from anyone in my family and finding a babysitter was always hell. But it makes it too easy to take it for granted that someone will always be willing to take over the reins and to go ahead and make plans without thinking seriously about the childcare at the same time.

BTW, I knew I was dealing with a terminal case of cluelessness when my exH suggested, and I quote, "Why don't you hire a babysitter, decide where you want to go and make a reservation and I'll take you out to dinner."

dollius Fri 14-Aug-09 08:14:07

This is ridiculous.

My DH has had work commitments etc which have kept him late from collecting the children, but he wouldn't dream of leaving it to me to sort out the childcare. He always just sorts it out himself. Similarly if he needs to be away for work, he always makes the arrangements to cover his absence.

Men don't have "part of their brain missing". Your DH is just being utterly selfish.

Can you ask your mum to start saying no to him?

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