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My partner has decided to leave, advice please!

(6 Posts)
toodizzyizzy Sat 08-Aug-09 12:37:16

I have been with my partner for 12 years (since I was 18!) and we have two, much cherished young children. DH does not cope very well with life, he is depressed and angry because of issues rooting back to his childhood. These issues have from time to time taken over our relationship but over the past few months his dark mood has totally taken over our family life. He is very rude to me, forever criticising me and has becoming quite controlling.

I have a very supportive family and I really love spending time with them. They live about 30 miles away and as I don’t drive I have always been dependent on DH driving me to see them. This year he has refused to take me. If they come to see me he makes my life a misery, questioning why they have to visit and generally treating my like dirt. Things exploded this week after I spent the day with my dad. DH admitted that he is jealous of my family because he has little contact with his own and that if my Dad visits again he will refuse to open the door! I know this is obviously totally unacceptable. DH needs counselling to deal with his issues but refuses to. His solution is to leave me and the kids instead!

Part of me is relieved that he wants to go, as he is making me so miserable. He has totally worn me out over recent years and I have had enough. I hate the way he talks to me, I am forever walking on egg shells just waiting for the next torrent of abuse to come my way. I have given up shouting back as I don’t want to upset the kids. He has always been a very good father but recently his bad moods have ended upsetting the kids and I feel that my older child is very confused by his inconsistency.

Although I know the relationship is over I am so frightened by all the practical issues. I am financially dependent on my DH and just cannot see how I can live independently from him. We live in a rented house and I have n one else to look after the kids when I work in the evenings.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Sat 08-Aug-09 12:48:47

Get down to the CAB and have a chat with an advisor about what benefits you will be entitled to, and how to get on the social housing list.

GypsyMoth Sat 08-Aug-09 13:00:02

have been there,don't worry,there is light down that tunnel!!

i'm 5 years on with new dp and new dc.....i was with ex 12 years,4 CAN happen

seek advice from everyone. council,benefits,cab,solicitor..... then weigh it all up. be best if he DOES leave,but consider your family here.

can they help? do you want to move nearer to them?

toodizzyizzy Sat 08-Aug-09 13:24:18

I desperately don't want my daughter to have to deal with her dad leaving, moving away from all that is familiar to her and changing school. I know kids are resiliant but all that is just too much. I just can't face having to go back to my mum's, I hate where she lives - I'd be so isolated. I have good friends were I live and I love my job. I need to go to the CAB!

ipiratethief Sat 08-Aug-09 13:30:37

if he leaves, then maybe you can stay where you are for now at least. If you are a lone parent, there is no stigma or problem in giving up your job where the benefits office is concerned, if it isn't feasible to work those hours.

You would get housing benefits to help with the rent, council tax benefits, income support, child tax credit and of course child benefit.

If he goes, you could then thionk about getting a job to suit your availability, and still get top ups from the gov.

i know it's hard on the dc's but, he may well be a better dad, if he goes and gets some counselling. The children are more resilient than you would prob think, as long as you explain to them. As long as they feel secure in you, thats all you can wish for.

toodizzyizzy Mon 10-Aug-09 12:39:06

Thanks for the advice. I've got so much research to do, it's all very overwhelming. I'm not sure what the future holds for us as a family. We had a peaceful weekend. Just taking it a day at the time at the moment but last week was a definite wake up call.

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