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any advice would be great......

(6 Posts)
illgetyoubutler Wed 05-Aug-09 00:49:47

im gonna start writing and see how the words come out...
i dont fancy my husband anymore. this makes sex very stressful for me. it makes it hard for me to be intimate with him, and enthusiastic from his advances. i think the biggest problem is that i need so much more stimulation and differant things than he does, whereas he is very much a man who gets satisfaction from 'simple' sex. i have tried to talk to him on several occasions regarding my wants and needs but i think we come to logger heads because anythng other than what we currently do, the OH is not up for. and its because he has simple taste. so if he was to 'humour' me, and it is a big IF, then it would be a disaster because the atmosphere would become strained and tense, because he's doing things that he dnt 'see the point of'.. iv sked him before if he would be prepared to do role play, he said no. i asked about being tied up, me or him, his response to that for example..." why would i want to be tied up for?? what if a burgler comes in, i cant do anything cos my hands are tied, its a bit stupid??!!" i say, "it needn't be your tied so securely...its good to have arms and legs gently restrained for good effect.." he says, "whats the point if you can get your hands free??..." (me..hangs head defeated..) i asked about us using sex toys, he said he "fucking hates the things". the only thing he gave a thumbs up for was dressing up (me that is) so i bought some sexy outfits with shoes etc. didnt feel very good about doing it, cos i felt i had been dealt the trump card. felt a ninny coming down the stairs because i knew sex was gonna be the same, and i was right! whats the point in dressing up if once the clothes come off, the sex is still the same??
i think with him, he is just happy with the wham bam thank you mam way of sex. and in one way, im happy that he is so happy with me. he gives me compliments all the time saying im getting sexier as i get older(!) im just as irrasistable to him as the day he first saw me etc etc, he has never strayed and is extremely family orientated, but i honestly feel he would be happy if the sex never changed from the basic, bog standard sex, that we have had since we met, and this is going on 4 years now. i need more, but he is unwilling. so how on earth can i keep this up? if he did try to do something new, i know in his head he'd be thinking, i don't see the point of this, im not into this, and the atmosphere would be terrible cos everything he would be doing, would be very half hearted. not the best feeling to have in the bedroom. but on the flip side, its ok for him to have sex with me, knowing im just 'obliging' but not enjoying it at all, and wishing it over with so i can put my back to him and go to sleep. i want a fufilling sex drive like everyone else!!!
im pregnnt at he moment. yes hormonally my sex drive takes a nose dive, but iv felt like this for a long time now. i cant remember the last time i felt horney for my husband. i cant rmemebr the last time i wanted sex from him, or the last time i felt excited at the prospect of sex. iv never had an orgasm with him! i feel soo bored! everything with us is perfect, except this, and its a huge issue. i tried to talk to him again. and after a few sentances into conversation, he got up, started fiddling with the cat, and sat down at the computor, cutting the conversation short...it undermimed me so much and hurt me, its making me cry now..im gonna have to shut the screen for a moment....
...sorry if this is coming out all jumbled up and hard to read, but this have been with me for soooooo long, i dont know where to start to put it all in order...its got o the point i dont kiss him. cos i cant stand the way he kisses me now. i deliberatly dont hug him cos i think he will feel like im coming on o him and he will want a shag. i avoid him, using the excuse of being pregnant.
i know its not me not wanting sex. its me not wanting the same sex iv had since wev met. in the first few years its ok-ish. but after the next 2, i cant do it anymore. i want sex. i fantasise about my exes and its my thoughts that make me remember i actually have a sex drive and that i am a woman..
so do i talk to him again? how d i do it so he realises and listens? how can we both meet in the middle? i just dont know how it got to this stage as he is the love of my life??? he ticks every single box, and he (god willing) will stay with me and our children for life, he is a decent good good man, i dont think i could get better, but its like to have that, i have to forfeit on my sex life?? i cant split with him. but i feel like im gonna fall into temptation soo badly if it comes my way as im starting to feel so desperate for the need of a varied and satisfying shag!

im gonna stop here, cos im sure im not making sense as its all so much to write down. apologies ladies. even if there are no replies, it feels so good to at least get some things off my chest as it hangs over me like a black cloud sometimes.

Unconventional Wed 05-Aug-09 00:57:19

You have to talk to him again. He's saying 'what's the point'. The point is, you have needs that are going unfulfilled. Explain to him that the same boring sex is leaving you cold and you need some variety.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 05-Aug-09 01:09:32

The point is that having sex his way and his way only is not making you happy. So therefore the two of you have to discuss it and work out a compromise that suits you both. My advice would be exactly the same to a poster whose partner kept nagging her to dress up for sex or experiment with BDSM when she hated the idea: if you are in a couple relationship, sex is not about just meeting one partner's needs and ignoring the needs and wishes of the other partner.

hayes Wed 05-Aug-09 01:16:18

could you try couple counselling? I know he doesnt seem to think theres a prob but if you say your marriage at risk he may agree. Try not to have sex, but instead spend time massaging, teasing each other....this isn't making sense is it cos you have asked him to do different stuff and he's not up for it.

Or just ask him to fXXk you now when he least expects it, it may bring out a more lustful side

chickybabe Wed 05-Aug-09 08:44:20

I agree you must talk to him again...I know you've said it has been pretty bad for a couple of years - but is it possible he may not want to do the more kinky stuff because your pregnant at the mo??? How long do you have left?

It sounds like you have a lovely man there - but you have every right to a fulfilling sex life. I think your hubby needs to know how serious you are about this, that it could actually destroy your marriage. As he is so great on every other level - surely he wouldn't risk losing his family over an (in his opinion) embarrasing conversation?

Its important not to make him feel inferier - making it less about what he doesn't do and more about what you would like to do. You did start out by saying you dont fancy him anymore though and that is different to a boring sex life.....how has he changed that makes you feel that way - is it that u want fun sex with HIM or fun sex with SOMEONE???

I think you need to break it all down in your own head and get it clear to you before you talk again - good luck

xx

SolidGoldBrass Wed 05-Aug-09 10:24:29

He's not that lovely if he thinks that his sexual preferences are the only ones that matter. FWIW was he poisoned by the sort of religious upbringing that thinks all sex apart from TTC sex is a bit dirty anyway, or that women don't really like sex and a woman who does, particularly one who wants imaginative or unusual sex, is a dirty bitch and cannot be respected?

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