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Ok try again...this time with a title! How do I sort my sexlife out when I dont really feel like it?

(9 Posts)
NameChangedForAMinute Tue 04-Aug-09 10:36:33

Ok, don't normally talk about this sort of thing to anyone hence the name change but don't know what to do and no one in RL I want to know this much of my business!!

My DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2, we have two DC one is 2.10 the other 7mo. We are usually happy, nice life together but we have an ongoing issue with the amount of sex we have. If it was up to DH we would usually have it at least every other day but he gets that I don't feel the same way and usually doesn't make too much of an issue about it. I would be happy with once a week, I think about it quite a lot but by the time the kids are asleep and everything is done I just have lost all motivation, saying that I do try and make the effort at least 2-3 times a week! However its never as good as when its been a whole week and I actually feel like I really want it.

I know most of this stuff is what a lot of people in relationships got through with small children etc, however my biggest problem is that I often, in fact a lot of the time, just feel like I dont fancy my DH in that way. Dont get me wrong I love him to bits, we had a bit of a rough patch a couple of years ago but after 24hrs apart I realised how much I wanted to be with him and that hasn't changed. Its just he's quite negative and does some generally knobbish things which I really struggle to put to one side when we go to bed. I'm sure I annoy him at times too but he can definately just put all that aside and it doesn't come into it.

When we do get into a discussion about our sexlife, he says he thinks its just I cant be bothered and its him that always makes the effort and I always come up with some excuse but my really big reason is I just don't feel like I want sex with him that often. It sounds awful which is why I've never said it to is face, I know he would think I dont love him but I do. I just wish I fancied him more. What do I do?

raphaelbutler Tue 04-Aug-09 17:49:31

ky jelly brilliant dont need to be in the mood straight away - takes that stress part out but if you dont fancy him thats a different issue though things do get turned upside down - most of us would prefer sleep lol x

honeydew Tue 04-Aug-09 22:46:46

It is really difficult with kids isn't it? My children are 5, 3 1/2 and 2. So I had 3 in 3 years.

I have married to my DH for 2 years and been together since 2007. I do love him but trying to have any kind of fulfilling sex life when the children often wake you up is all but impossible.

Don't worry too much about it for the moment- just try and get the sleep you need and perhaps once you're less stressed things will improve. I found the same things with my partner and we go through weeks of very little becasue we are or too tired, stressed etc.

If you could get some childfree time- just a day/evening to discuss your feelings or spend an afternoon in bed!

If you do not fancy right now it could be due to the children zapping all your energy, emotionally, physically etc and you don't have the va va voom for him as well!

You are not alone- I too have these difficulties. I does come with the territory of having young children because you have to put them first.

Take it easy for a while-perhaps ask for a sensual or relaxing massage, a cuddle on the sofa or a meal out if you can arrange it. The children do take that impulsive, free spark from couples, it happens to nearly all women I know with babies/toddlers.

Family life is really hard grind, so I know just how it is. Perhaps your problem could be hormonal/slight postnatal depression and feeling over whlemed with the responsibility of it all.

Perhaps try little things sexually that you've not done before. If you no long find him attractive after many months, perhaps you seek counseling or further advice.

Sorry that I can't be of more help but the lack of sex drive, the routine nature of family life and demanding young children does seriously detract from your sex life.

Especially having 2 young children. One plus two equals about 200 babies doesn't it?

honeydew Tue 04-Aug-09 22:48:05

sorry -that should have read 'we been together since 2002'!

BitOfFun Tue 04-Aug-09 22:53:19

You might find this useful that I read on here last night. I hope so anyway.

GrendelsMum Tue 04-Aug-09 23:39:13

I was thinking about this the other evening, when my DH snuggled up to me in bed in a hopeful way. I suddenly realised that my mind, going to bed, was full of thoughts like "do we have enough for breakfast or do I need to run to the shop? what do I need to say to the builders before I go to work? oh, I haven't paid the credit card bill yet" and my DH's mind, going to bed, was having thoughts like "mmm, sex. With my lovely wife. She's very attractive. Mmm, sex." So then he snuggles up and I'm thinking "Sex? Breakfast? Must do credit card. Sex? Talk to builders about that dodgy light switch" which, lets be frank, are not things that people moan aloud in porn films.

So my vague conclusion is that you need head space and freedom from responsibilities to want sex, and maybe you aren't getting that and he is? Has he been off sex when he's been really stressed at work, say, in the past?

I also can't see why you can't say to him 'I don't want to have sex with you as often as you want to have sex with me." That doesn't say to me 'I don't love you', it says 'I don't want to have sex with you as often as you want to have sex with me.' And maybe together you could think about what is and isn't sexy, and what's changed in your life that you don't want to have sex so much?

sayithowitis Tue 04-Aug-09 23:46:30

Won't go into my situation again, I've told it several times on MN, but, basically, I read a great book, can't remember the name, aimed at both sides of the problem couple. ie; part is written specifically to the lower libido parner and part is written for the higher libido partner. One piece of advice to the lower libido person is to 'just do it', ( as the article BOF linked to suggested) and look upon it as giving a evry special gift to your loved one. In return, he should accept it as such. The consensus of the book was definitely that the more you do it the more you will want to do it.

For us, having had a ten year drought, I can truly say we have sex far more now even than when we were first married or when we were ttc. Might be worth a try.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. smile

NameChangedForAMinute Wed 05-Aug-09 08:06:44

Thank you all for your replies, GrendelsMum you made me smile, that is my situation exactly!! I do exactly the same thing and DH does as yours does I believe.

Mostly though thank you BOF that article is like a revelation! That has really made me think, I do love DH and I think a lot of that stuff rings true. I will definately be taking that on board and trying to change the way I think about it all a little bit. Its so true, I don't actually use it to 'punish him' on purpose but I can really relate to the 'he can't even put the rubbish out to show he loves me bit' (although not actually specific to putting the rubbish outgrin)its so ridiculous the things that get built up in my mind.

I think maybe it's not so much that I don't fancy him but that these things just get built up in my head and put a barrier up between us.

Thank you everyone for your kind advice, I didn't know what I was expecting, I didn't really know if there was a solution but maybe its simpler than I thought...heres to a new lease of (sex)life!!grin

GrendelsMum Wed 05-Aug-09 19:49:31

Oh, I had one other thought. May be a bit TMI, but here goes.

If I'm not really in the mood for sex myself, but DH is, I usually go on top, which DH adores and I find a bit dull. Then if I'm actually in the mood, we do things that I really like. This means that DH gets to have his 'turn' and I feel I don't miss out. grin

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