Mixed message irritation

[Ozziegirly]

DH and I have been married for 5 years, together 10. We both have good jobs, are doing fine blah blah.

I have wanted to start TTC for well over a year now. In January 2008 he asked me to give him until September that year to just enjoy ourselves and get established (we had just moved to Aus from the UK).

I said fine.

Well, it's now nearly September 2009.

In March, out of the blue he said that I should come off the pill and we would leave it in the hands of fate (his words). This suited me fine.

Then last night we were chatting and he said the idea of a baby makes him feel like a "big hand is pushing him towards a cliff".

But then went onto say a load of crap (I was semi blubbing by this point so didn't take much of it in) about how he has faced his fears before etc.

So really - is he just being a scared man who doesn't want anything to change, or is this some fundamental problem?

Everything else between us is great - maybe too good as he has said before "what if it changes us" - he fears us turning into Mr and Mrs Boring.

As more back story info, we moved from Sydney to Adelaide in December as DH was relocated. We are hoping to probably move back to Sydney in Mayish next year (job market depending). So we have moved around A LOT.

I think he is being really rather selfish, but equally, it's important to me that he actually wants a child.

And then the other part thinks that he will love him/her when/if it happens so maybe we should stop overthinking it.

Thoughts?

[Jennylee]

Be careful this is nearly exactly my friends story, but she got pregnant the first 2 weeks off the pill and 'leaving it to fate' and now the guy is still in shock, acting normal, but won't discuss it. Not sure what is happening as she has also stopped talking to me so feel it must not be going well.

I tell her he will love it and he has 9 months to get used to it, but she is having to deal with it on her own and she feels awful. So please talk to him and make sure of how he feels as fate can work very quickly sometimes, I think some men think it might not really happen for years.

[Ozziegirly]

Well I've been off the pill for a while now, and I have said that it might happen straight away so I need to know that he is actually wanting to do this.

I semi think that if he has suggested I go off the pill, and then has sex with me, he has to know that I might get pregnant!

But Jenny, that's what I want to avoid - getting pregnant and then having him freak out.

[Jennylee]

I know it is hard I don't have any advice but it is what happened to my friend, the man knew about the pill, she made sure he initiated sex everytime, she told him all he had to do was say the word and she woul d take the pill again, but he would not tell her either way, and when she got the positive result he said I don't know what to say, but it might be okay for her in the end, is just the first few weeks so he might just need time to get over the shock.

I wish I had told her to be careful and make sure, I am too polite, I just listened to her baby talk and her talk of persuading him to give her an answer , but he would'nt either way, I was just polite and listened to her but I shoudl have said, hey wait , if he won't answer you what does that tell? it tells you nothing and is nto a good way to start, may not be your situation, hope someone else with experience ahs some advice

[Ozziegirly]

Part of me thinks that we have to say to these men "harden the fuck up and cope, you mincers".

But then at the same time, I am aware that they are allowed to have feelings and can't be expected just to want something because we want it.

[Jennylee]

lol, but it is often that way, my first child we weren't taking the pill or taking anything for 3 years, and I went on about babies all the time and my dh still got a bit of a shock when we did the test and it was positive, all was well after the first day of shock on his part he was happy but shocked, then he wanted a girl 10 years later, she is asleep in her pram.

another make friend did not take precautions for 6 month with his girlfirend and he sadi he knew she could pregnant butit kept not happening and he got lulled into a false sense fo security lol and he was a great and loving father. It seems they do know it can happen but don't think it will happen to them lol

[Ozziegirly]

Yes, i know what you mean!

I think lots of men can't really see themselves as fathers until a child is literally foisted onto them.

[HappyWoman]

I wouldnt worry too much - i think we were both scared of how it would change us tbh. And i dont think i enjoyed being pregnant any of the times (4) as it is so hard to imagine what life will be like with a bady or 2 or 3 or 4!

You can never imagine how much you will change with a baby.

Do you think you want him to re-assure you as you are really scared too.

Try and relax having a baby is something you will not be able to take complete control over and that is the most scary thing actually.

Work together and try and enjoy it rather than worry about how he is feeling.

[skymoo]

Hi Ozziegirly

Perhaps now isn't a good time after all? If you are anticipating having to move again in May, that does add a certain amount of uncertainty to the equation on his part. Maybe just talk the whole thing over again with him when you have a clear head, and try to get to the bottom of the 'facing his fears before' part. Oh and I suppose you could tell him to 'man up' a bit as well;-)

Speaking from experience I wouldn't advise any baby related goings on if you are uncertain of where you are going to be in less than a year's time. It's bad enough when you are far away from home, but chuck a move in and uncertain vibes from hubs and it might not be all plain sailing.

[Ozziegirly]

Thanks for your inputs - it is diffcult. Partly I wonder if we have got away with being quite footloose because we haven't actually had to pick a place and just settle there, and having a family would kind of make us.

We are in our 30s so I don't want to hang around forever.

Apart from not being sure as to where we will live we are so sorted it's crazy, that's the daft thing. I keep thinking - what more do you want!? We have jobs, a very happy marriage, we're healthy.

sigh

I suspect we will talk about it more over the weekend.

I see what a wonderful man he is in so many ways and what a brilliant father he will be, so it is frustrating.

He once said he was scared because he knew how much he would love the child, and what if something happened to them?

[MamaLazarou]

Sounds like your DH just can't get his head around the concept of actually being a parent, although he agrees with the plan in theory. My DH was like this for ages. I have always had an inherent maternal instinct that he was not able to relate to. Often, guys can't feel those paternal feelings until it actually happens. We couldn't resolve this until we went to Relate counselling for it. My DH was able to explore his feelings of fear and apprehension, and the counsellor helped him work through them.

FWIW, I think your DH sounds as though he is keen on the idea of having a child, but is just trying to talk through his feelings with you before taking the plunge.

Saying he is scared at how much he will love the child, and how he worries that something will happen to them... well that just shows you what a wonderful and dedicated father he is going to be.

I hope you have as happy an outcome as us: after a few Relate sessions, we agreed to go for it: I am now 3 months pg and my DH is overjoyed. he says he has already bonded with the child emotionally, and is looking forward to being a dad.

[makipuppy]

I've had similar with DP.

He fears us our lifestyle becoming boring, me becoming a baby-head mum with one topic of conversation, he thinks if people see him pushing a pram they'll think he's unemployed (}, that I won't be his best friend anymore, me never going back to work, him not being able to read his book in peace or have time to himself...

I could go on.

I absolutely forced the issue (we had to have IVF) and I don't regret it for a moment. We still talk about all the above (although the pram-pushing phobia is now off the list thank god) and I reassure him I'll still be me. Now, with just weeks to go, he's really happy and excited.

He says it took him the first 3 months to get his head around it and that he finds it difficult to imagine something before it has happened.

I was prepared to walk away over it - and ultimately he didn't want to lose me. Sometimes it's just crunch time...

[Ozziegirly]

Wow, what lovely stories from both of you, I'm so pleased it's worked out well.

I think this is the thing I find so frustrating - I see what a wonderful father he would be (he is a brilliant husband) and I know it's fear of the unknown. It isn't helping that my best friend has just had a baby and it is all she talks about (in a lovely way).

I think maybe I have been a bit brisk with him about this and need to be a bit more understanding.

Heading out to dinner now, thanks ever so much for your advice, and best of luck with your babies.

[MamaLazarou]

Have you told him what a great belief you have in him as a father? He might need to hear it.

[mrsboogie]

I think its him who is overthinking it. Some people are like that. My sis has recently finally convincced herself after years of wavering that she wants to TTC. She wants kids but is scared of lots of things - including childbirth. Well who isn't? but in her case she needed to get her head around things before she could take the leap. She wasn't too impressed when I said she was being a control freak but she is very controled and successful in her working life and I think the idea of taking a leap into something that she cannot get the measure of and cannot control scares her. Once she has the baby she will be a brilliant mum as I'm sure your DH will be a dad.

[Ozziegirly]

Well we had quite a big chat at the weekend and I think we have got to the stage where we will continue just leaving it up to fate, which is fine by me.

He has said he is scared, and also that by having a family he will miss out on things as he will be expected to be home early every evening, and although he appreciates that he is being selfish, he can't help how he feels.

I told him that he is asking me to consider giving up a huge thing in my life, for the sake of his job. He said he actually hadn't realised what a big thing this was to me. I said that millions of men are really sucessful even though they have families.

We are doing ok - I think it's good that we keep talking about this. He still isn't exactly keen, but at least I have had a chance to tell him where I am coming from, and I think I understand his position a bit more!

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

Ozziegirly I think your dh has some very valid fears. After all your life will be hugely different when children come into it. The baby year(s) in particular are a MAHOOSIVE change. Unless you have babysitters on tap you will no longer be able to pop out for dinner (or lunch) most spontaneity will be gone, as for sex, time together, peace to read a book etc etc HA!

On the other hand you will have someone else in your life who will be amazing and beautiful and delightful and fascinating for you.

BUT remember that some men take quite a long time to really get into kids. My dh for instance, is now a wonderful, fun and loving dad. But it has taken him a while to get there. He was never a baby person and for at least the first year of dd1s life he was often pretty grumpy about our curtailed life.

I would keep talking and listening to each other but don't take it too much to heart. Some men need a bit of a shove and then come good.

[Ozziegirly]

I think you're right Claudia - we are fundamentally a rather selfish couple because we can be. We live away from our families and friend so often just go away for the weekend on the spur of the moment, go out for dinner 2-3 times per week, each have hobbies and interests.

DH wants to do a Masters and get on with his job etc and I don't think he can see where children fit in.

And when I write it like that, neither can I really .

I just figure you make allowances. But I guess it's easier for me, as I feel like, yes I will have to give up some things, but in return I will have a child. Whereas as he isn't actually that bothered about having the child, he sees he's having to give things up, for something he doesn't really even want.

So I can see his perspective, but I don't really know how I can fix it/pursuade him, as in reality, his points are valid.

[Ozziegirly]

That's "friends" - we do have more than one...