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Road rage incident- my DP feels he?s let me down - bit long.

(21 Posts)
mumtobe23 Fri 24-Jul-09 10:40:46

Firstly I should explain my DP is quite timid & shy, he hates confrontation & always shy?s away from arguments. Needless to say this has sometimes caused me to feel a bit like the ?man? in our relationship, though I?ve never said this & love him despite this. I had a very frightening experience of being the victim of road rage, in fact I really can?t understand why this man was quite so angry. But it scared me and I think has damaged my relationship with DP.

I had pulled over (on a small quite road) to get something at the local shop, but the car behind me, sat behind me & honked his horn, he was behind me all of 5 seconds. I indicated for him to go round me which he had plenty of space to do, and as he went passed he was f-ing and blinding throwing his hands in the air & was all red (I can?t actually understand why he was so angry) so I (yes, stupidly) stuck my middle finger up at him I never expected him to then pull his car over in front of mine and jump out.

My DP also got out and said ?look she?s 7 months pregnant just leave it? (this man was about twice the size of my DP in height & was intimidating, he looked like a thug.)
He pointed at my DP and shouted aggressively and scarily to ?shut the fuck up and get back in the fucking car? ? which he did.
This man then ran over to my side where he ranted and raved very angrily & aggressively (he was frothing at the mouth and spitting!) telling me to ?never give him the f-ing finger again?, I apologised & my DP was saying to him to leave it still & the bloke shouted at him to ?shut the fuck up? or he was ?gonna come round and knock him out!?

It felt like hours he was standing there yelling at us, but was probably only a few minuets. Then he got in his car and sped off.

After my DP didn?t talk to me, but later told me I?d put him in a situation where I?d made him feel inadequate and stupid because he?d got back in the car when the angry man shouted at him too and that our relationship had ?fundamentally changed now? (?)
I told him that getting back in the car & letting angry man yell was the best thing to do as you always hear about road rage incidents turning nasty etc. But my DP feels he?s let me down by not standing up to this man.
I feel awful now and my DP is really upset about the whole thing, how can I make him see that I don?t think any less of him for not ?standing up to this man?.

RealityIsGettingMarried Fri 24-Jul-09 10:45:07

Message withdrawn

nickschick Fri 24-Jul-09 10:49:20

You cant their will always be angry twats on the road- probably this bloke behaves this way all the time he has a tax disc he can drive where he wants mentality.

Im still a learner driver but one day in a similar situation to you dh had popped into the shop and I leant across to get the hairbrush from the door panel thing on the driver side -being heavily pregnant i had to straddle over the handbrake blushhmm and so it did 'look' as tho I was in the drivers seat.......the angry man behaved in exactly the same way (I didnt give him the finger) and was yelling at me quite wildly- suddenly he stopped and became quite apologetic and 'almost' nice ... why??

because he became aware of my 6'2 18 stone ex para dh,stood there with his arms folded and a 'do it and die look'.......funny that really isnt it??

The man was a bully and your Dh behaved as he should - what should he do,fight in the st? run the man over? what could he possibly do? there is no winning in this situation there is however behaving the way adults should and your dh behaved that way.

*poor you are you ok now -it shakes you up doesnt it x

mumtobe23 Fri 24-Jul-09 10:50:04

Realityisgettingmarried I know it sounds horrible but I see what you mean, he didn't check if I was ok after, and infact i did say to him later that evening why was he making this all about him- when infact it was me that should feel stupid and embarrassed (which i do).

I am ok, i think, and I can normally forget about these things but it seems to have really affected DP.

mumonthenet Fri 24-Jul-09 14:02:09

Your dp probably secretly feels frustrated and angry with himself for not being able to help. Totally understandable - to get back in the car was almost certainly the safest thing to do.

However, what is not acceptable is him casting around for someone to blame for his discomfort. Make it clear to him that you take no responsibility for him feeling inadequate.

An awful experience for both of you.

GypsyMoth Fri 24-Jul-09 14:06:50

you should have both got back in the car,or gone into the shop. it could so easily have gone wrong. no point brazening it out with these idiots.

your dh was wrong to let it carry on! out of order

unavailable Fri 24-Jul-09 14:09:23

Tiff - what do you think her dp should have done? Get beaten to a pulp by the psycho?

How would that have helped?

MadamDeathstare Fri 24-Jul-09 18:59:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth Fri 24-Jul-09 19:03:16

er,i DID say either get back in the car.....they cpould have then driven off to nearest police station should he try to follow and continue.....OR ....go in the shop,a public place with other people around to either help or call the police. why do you think i suggested those things 'unavailable'??!

he was out of order to leave his heavily pregnant wife there on her own to deal with a volatile situation.

MadamDeathstare Fri 24-Jul-09 19:09:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy Fri 24-Jul-09 19:13:24

I think the Op was also in the car, wasn't she? It was her DP who got out of the car initially and then, quite sensibly IMo, returned to the car when the man got angry.

I think the DP acted appropriately in that sense. No point in further confronting the man as he sounds a thug and it could ahave gotten much worse.

If possible I'd have been tempted to wind the window up and drive away as soon as he started, reversing if necessary.

Your DP is wrong to be blaming it on you OP but I guess he is feeling pretty shaken up himself and also sadden that he was unable, in his eyes, to protect his pregnant partner. That is very likely on dent his own pride and mae him feel pretty vunerable himself. He sounds frustrated and is venting I be. This does not mean it is right though and, OP, you do need to clearly tell him this and then end the subect and move on IMO.

Hulababy Fri 24-Jul-09 19:15:19

Although OP I do feel that you also owe your DP an apology for instigting the issue in the first place. If you hadn't responding to the man beeping his horm than chances are this would not have happened anyway.

queenofdenial2009 Fri 24-Jul-09 19:17:13

The roadrage incident was unfortunate to say the least and I'm sorry it happened to you.

But your DP's reaction sounds a bit OTT TBH. It sounds like he's a bit insecure about his masculinity and doesn't feel very macho (probably a good thing in my book).

I agree with the others, blaming it on you is ludicrous. You know him best - is this something that's come up before or is it a really bizarre one-off? It's a bit of a cliche, but some men do feel they need to 'protect' women when they're pregnant. If it's your first child together, have you talked about how you feel about becoming parents?

MadamDeathstare Fri 24-Jul-09 19:28:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hambler Fri 24-Jul-09 20:46:13

Classic willy waving incident.
Both men are being tossers.

Road rage man aggressive tosser.
Your DH passive tosser.


lizziemun Fri 24-Jul-09 21:12:49

I going to go against every one else here. Could it be that your dp just not sure how to be around you because he feels he let you down.

I only ask because in 2003 i was car jacked near where i worked, but dh was working in London and couldn't get to me for a couple of hours. Then a week later we had snow and it took me 6hours to get home from work and again dh couldn't get to me.

He felt realy guilty for a long time because he couldn't/wasn't able to stop what was happening to me.

You need to explain to your dp that he did nothing wrong.

Lilyloo Fri 24-Jul-09 21:21:50

It sounds like he is embarassed at ltting you down and is trying to turn the situation onto you.
Obv this is something that bothers him and i guess he is replaying in his mind that he failed to stand up to this man and protect you and his unborn baby.
He absolutely did the right thing but i bet he feels dreadful about it.
I think you can only reassure him that you were glad he reacted as he did as that was in retrospect probably the safest way to deal with it.

aurynne Mon 21-Sep-09 10:30:42

I have a different opinion than the majority here... I know that I would be deeply disappointed in a partner who "shuts the f*ck up" as told, and goes back in the car, leaving a thug to scream at his pregnant wife (and lucky he limited himself to screaming!). If the situation was the same with the thug screaming at your son or daughter, and even if you're a woman and physically weaker, wouldn't you stand up to the man and protect him/her even if it costs you your life?

If I had been in your case, OP, I would have told my partner to get lost. What do you think would have happened if the thug had decided to punch your face instead of screaming at you? Would your partner just sit still and wait? It has nothing to do with being weaker, it does with being scared and a bit of a coward, in my humble opinion.



AvrilH Mon 21-Sep-09 10:36:53

Did you take his registration?
Phone the police.

I was a victim of roadrage from a stupid woman in a 4x4 who seemed to be furious at my presence on a bicycle (I had done nothing wrong, but she was perhaps, not familiar with the rules of the road). I was too shaken to take her reg, but wish I had.

geordieminx Mon 21-Sep-09 10:46:52

As someone who was probably one of the worlds most aggresive drivers I am going to go against the grain and say this was your fault. I was forever sticking my finger up at people who irritated me whilst driving but as dp rightly pointed out, it would be inevitable that one day I would end up onb the wrong side of someone, and end up in serioius trouble - not something that I would want - especially with ds in the car.

You stuck the finger up at this bloke - had you not, he would have probably continued on his way, albeit angry.

Unfortunately these days you dont know who you are dealing with, the bloke could have quite easily have stabbed you or your husband, or pulled a gun/crow bar out of his car.

I know you that in the first instance he started it, but in hindsight was it really worth what could have been a horrific out come?

Do you not remember the guy on the bus who shouted at some morons for chucking chips at his girlfriend? He was kicked/stabbed to death sad

Think its best to chalk it off as a bad experience and forget about it.

groundhogs Mon 21-Sep-09 17:11:27

Actually, totally what MadamDeathStare said (GREAT name BTW!)

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