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What would you do in this situation?

(13 Posts)
poopy Sun 22-May-05 10:40:24

Am a regular poster but have changed my name 'just in case' to protect the person concerned ....
My best friend's total to$$er of a husband left her recently. She is a beautiful, wonderful person, very genuine and warm and I have known her forever. EVERYONE who knows her loves her apart from the aforementioned husband who never deserved her in the first place.
Anyway, as you can imagine she is in a sad and lonely place right now (two children under 4) and is working hard to get through this and I am very proud of her.
But recently she has been asking me lots of questions about a couple of her exes (guys who adored her years and years ago ... one was a school sweetheart ... and were heartbroken when she ended it with them ... both were long standing relationships (not at the same time obviously ... lol) ... ) and what they are up to. As I am still in touch with them both she has asked me to give her their email addresses.
I am reluctant to do this for a couple of reasons
A) ... both guys are now married
B) ... both wives of said guys 'know' of my best friend and how much their husbands loved her years ago ... I wouldn't want to upset them by giving best friend their details IYSWIM
C) ... best friend is clearly clutching at her past and has lost confidence and I don't think this would get her confidence back.

She isn't the type of woman to steal other women's blokes (I would trust her implicitly with my husband ... no doubt about that) and I don't think that she is thinking of trying anything on with them ... she just seems to be 'clutching' IYSWIM?

What would you do in this situation and why?


PS ... might not be able to reply to answers straight away so please don't think I am being rude if I go silent ...

All answers appreciated!

NotQuiteCockney Sun 22-May-05 10:42:43

I'd ask the guys in question, casually, if they mind you passing on their details.

They're grown-ups, and you trust her not to go poaching them, so surely it's up to them. She may just want to touch base, maybe get reassured that some of the men she's cared about aren't complete tossers?

suzywong Sun 22-May-05 10:47:24

No disprespect to your BF but you can never be certain that a woman is not the type to steal other people's husbands

Cam Sun 22-May-05 10:48:48

Personally I wouldn't want an ex from my dh's past emailing him because her marriage has broken down.

mummycan Sun 22-May-05 10:49:44

I wouldn't do it. If somebody from my husband's past got in touch after her marriage broke down I would feel threatened. Also you don't know what state these blokes' marriages are in - if they are going through a rocky patch then hearing from an ex they adored who is no longer with her husband isn't going to make things better. I understand how your friend feels - I ham in the middle of a very rocky patch in my marriage (not sure we will survive) and I have been googling men from my past who liked me alot but I would never get in touch - they have wives and families - I don't want to heap my misery on their lives. Please be careful - I know she is your friend and you feel for her but don't dismiss the wives of the men.

poopy Sun 22-May-05 10:50:36

Thanks NQC ... I hadn't thought of asking them directly ... I guess because neither of them knows her current situation ...
I don't know the wives that well ... I am more worried about what they would think.
My husband doesn't have any major exes in his closet (I was his first real girlfriend) but if he did I know that I would be worried if some blast from the past pitched up having split up with her husband ... I would trust my husband but would wonder what she was up to ...

Distel Sun 22-May-05 10:50:59

do you have any lovely single men that you could put her in contact with?

NotQuiteCockney Sun 22-May-05 10:52:10

An ex of my DH got back in touch with him about a year ago. She was married, and pregnant, but unhappy, and had got involved, online, with someone they both knew from ages ago.

She got in touch to ask DH what this person had thought of her or said of her when they all knew each other 10+ years ago. DH, shockingly had no idea.

I find it all a bit odd, but I'm still on good terms with a few of my exes, so I can't exactly forbid them to be in touch.

poopy Sun 22-May-05 10:53:22

I know what you are saying Suzy ... but I have known her since I was 10 and she has never ever chased a bloke ... she has never needed to ... but now she is sooo low I am worried about her.

poopy Sun 22-May-05 10:54:09

Oh, can't keep up with everyone's replies ...

poopy Sun 22-May-05 10:55:55

Distel ... I wish I did know of some lovely single blokes ... but as I spend all my time with women and kids (except DH) I don't know any ...
And I live far away from her ...
DS's swimming teacher is rather lovely ... but he is mine ... only joking!

haven Sun 22-May-05 13:37:50

well, ask her why she wants the addresses, and let her know that they are married....

if she still wants them, well, give them to her, but address the fact that she might not want an ex to have started contacted her ex ( if they were still together). but, if she does stay nosey so you can help steer her in the right direction ( not getting to involved ), and at the same time look for men to hook her up with to keep her mind off the married ones....

why you say, she are her friend, but obviously a friend with morals, so be a friend....but, let her know where you stand, being a friend doesn't always mean saying what your friends want you to say..

talie Wed 25-May-05 22:53:46

Please don't do it. I've been married for quite a while and have just found out my dh has been keeping in contact with his ex for the last 8 years of our marriage - she got in touch with him knowing full well that he was married! I have two small children - he left me before Xmas and I knew nothing about her - she was the first person he contacted when he left this house!

He came back to us and confessed he keeps in touch and wants it all out in the open, but he continues to keep her a secret from me! I am devastated and told him to leave. This is affecting my dd's badly. If it wasn't for his lies and deceit about her at the moment, he would still be in our lives trying to make a go at the marriage.

When he left the first time my first thoughts turned to my ex's to see if anything could be rekindled, but I came to my senses as I know they are married with children and I didn't want to spoil their lives and cause them the hurt I am feeling now.

Ex's should stay away and not wreck people's lives - grass always appears greener on the other side doesn't it - but it's not and just upsets everyone concerned.

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