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found out today NOT from dp that his eldest isn't actually his biological son

(14 Posts)
howshouldifeel Thu 23-Jul-09 16:04:29

im a regular but have name changed. me and dp been together for a good few years now. he is very private person

but today from a member of the family found out that dp's eldest from a previous
relationship isn't his biological child but he's brought him up as his own as his son's real dad died when he was young.

i feel so angry and really quite hurt that he has never told me himself. when i have tried to do the maths with his age etc to work out how old he was when he had each of his kids its always not made complete sense in my head, but just accepted that i had my info wrong - these are conversations that i have actually had with him so he's basically lied to me instead of using these opportunities to tell me.

it would never have been something that i would of thought twice about other than maybe a new found admiration for him. but now, i feel really angry and hurt that he has never told me. its by no means a secret and all the family/friends know and thats why this person that let it slip did so because she dropped it into a related conversation as she thought i would have known.

am i right to feel this way? i can understand that it may be soemthing particularly sensitive to talk about, especially to a stranger etc, but surely he could have told me - his long term girlfriend who he's known for 9 years.

just feel really sad about it. his ds in question is now 16 years old

ridingjoker Thu 23-Jul-09 16:08:17

does his ds know?

if not then perhaps its a case of "a secret is only a secret if you dont tell anyone"

howshouldifeel Thu 23-Jul-09 16:11:34

yeah his ds has known for half his life, his other kids know, all the family have known from the start. everyone except me it would seem sad and i thought i was important enough in his life to be let in on this information

ridingjoker Thu 23-Jul-09 16:24:27

why? his ds is exactly that.. his ds, except in blood.

what difference does it make?

it's not about you. its about dp and HIS reletionship with DS.

when he feels its time to share this with you he would have.

cat64 Thu 23-Jul-09 16:36:13

Message withdrawn

bethoo Thu 23-Jul-09 16:42:02

i think that the reason he has never told yo is because he does not think it is that important in that to him he is his father irrelevant of DNA.

randomtask Thu 23-Jul-09 16:49:21

I think it would be the sort of thing he would have mentioned (I find myself regularly explaning the 'history' of my relationship with DSS but then I've often thought it's because people question it so much). I do think though that sometimes you just want to say 'he's my child and that's it' but I'd have told my DP within months let alone years.

I do wonder if he just thought you knew, but if you say he's lied about it, I'd ask why. I definitely have more admiration for DH when I know what he's been through.

lilacclaire Thu 23-Jul-09 17:34:30

Maybe he thought you would have questioned spending money/time with a ds that wasn't biologically his or perhaps that you would have treated the ds differently?

It is very admirable about what he's done, but perhaps he's had some criticisms about it from past girlfriends?

I do agree that its odd that he hasn't told you, you should really speak to him about it.

TwoHot Fri 24-Jul-09 12:18:15

I too would be very hurt.

AnyFucker Fri 24-Jul-09 12:22:00

I would be hurt actually, and questioning myself as to why he didn't tell me, given that he had plenty of opportunities

wannaBe Fri 24-Jul-09 12:27:02

it takes more than blood to be a father.

This is not about him having told all his family and not you, the family would logically have known because he would have got involved with a woman who already had a child, iyswim. Whereas you came into his life later, after that relationship had ended, but the eldest child was still his child.

Why does it matter that he's not his biological father?

Why should you need to know?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 24-Jul-09 12:36:12

I don't think he has lied.

He just hasn't sat you down and told you and we can all speculate as to the reason.

You need to tell him that you had never realised X wasn't hie bio son and it was a shock when A told you. Ask him if he wants to talk to you about it and then leave it.

Don't turn this into something it isn't.

ilovemydogandmrobama Fri 24-Jul-09 12:59:18

Of course he should have told you, but there could be lots of reasons why he didn't, and I would suggest that it probably wasn't a conscious decision.

Here's a scenario. He should have told you at the beginning of your relationship, but for whatever reason, didn't. And then perhaps he felt that he should have told you earlier.

Or he has blocked it out and doesn't think it's worth mentioning?

Maybe he thought you already knew?

Have you asked him why he hasn't told you?

msled Fri 24-Jul-09 13:06:01

If he lied about it, or fudged the issue when you asked, then you are entitled to feel hurt and want an explanation. Maybe he thought you might try to undermine the relationship, or stop supporting him financially if you knew. You need to ask.

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