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please help me to not care!

(3 Posts)
boysngirl Tue 21-Jul-09 18:55:01

Long story but I'll try and cut it short, have namechanged as it's a touchy subject for me.

Basically my sister and I used to be quite close. We live very different lives, I am the home-maker, mummy and wife type while my sister is a single, career me me me type person (why not if you only have yourself to worry about though!)

She married her partner of 10 years at Christmas but was having an affair and although we all suspected she never admitted until March when she was caught with the other guy. She is now with the other guy and basically pissing all over her XH. She has taken all our family as mugs but our parents are fantastic and although upset by the whole situation, as well as all the thousands spent on her wedding, humiliation etc, they have totally stood by her. As have I. Although I have found it hard, I have never let on. My DC's worshipped her XH, he was the eldest 2's godfather etc. Still, people fall out of love and all that. She should never have got married, but that's another story.

What is upsetting me is that since she has got with this other man properly she hasn't bothered with us at all. She even has a brand new nephew who she can't be bothered to come and see. She lives 3 miles away. She works part-time now. I have tried calling her but she always has to go and never calls back. I have only a rough idea of where she lives since she moved in with her new partner, have no idea of her phone number at home. This is the woman I let live with us last time she cheated on her XH and he temporarily threw her out, and paid for everything for her, sorted out her life basically. When I have really needed her so has never been there.

In an attempt to make things better I called her to come round for dinner with her new partner one Sunday and she came round, ate, and left. Oh, not before asking why my son had so bad nappy rash (he doesn't, he had about 3 tiny red dots on his bum!). She constantly makes remarks about my weight (I am post-natal, have 3 DC's, am 5'5 and 11 stone - surely it's not that bad?). I don't really care anyway, I am happy as I am.

I have been trying to contact her and find out she is on holiday.

My mum is upset that she is being like this with me, family is usually so important to us.

I know she has been through a lot lately, but she also knows I have always been there for her and would be now if she'd let me, but she doesn't seem to want to know anymore.

It is really upsetting me, I hate feeling like my sister looks down her nose at me just because I'm a SAHM, happy to stay in and bake with the DD's etc. She talks to me like I'm thick when I am far far from that.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. How can I stop caring? Not about my sister, just about the situation?

cannydoit Tue 21-Jul-09 19:06:22

i havent spoken to my sister in nearly a year because of similar sounding situations. it got to be point where i was so fed up of feeling attacked and undervalued by her(she also stayed with me for a yr where i paid for every thing) the last time i spoke to her it was because she was bad mouthing me and a horrible family situation and it got back to my mum who was devestated. i ended that by saying if u ever need me u know where i am but iw ill not be incontact with u again. it was harsh and hard to do. she now has decided i dont care about her and want her to do badly in life i justed need to protect myself from feeling like shit all the time. so i did and it kinda works. except for the fact i miss my sister but i cant make her be a different person.

DLI Tue 21-Jul-09 19:18:16

i would stop making the effort. let her know that if she needs you your there for her but you have other things to do without having to worry about her! Have you thought she may be avoiding you because you are happy and doing what you want to do, ie bring up your family, and that all this looking down at you is her way of not letting on that she is not happy with her life?

I would also let her XH know he is still part of your family even though they are separated.

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