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I have made a mistake

(24 Posts)
LightShinesInTheDarkness Sat 18-Jul-09 10:39:43

DD came home upset because one of her friends was very upset at school. They are 10. I know from her mother that the other child's dad has met another woman and they are thinking of separating.

I told my DD some of this - just that things were probably very difficult for her friend right now as her dad had a new girlfriend and her parents were very unhappy trying to sort things out. The conversation was short and not detailed, but was in the context of how she could be understanding towards her friend.

I'm not usually indiscreet or stupid, but it occurred to me very quickly that the other mother will not tell her child why things are so bad. And the last person she needs to hear it from is my DD.

I realise I have made a gross error of judgement, and am inclined not to discuss it any more with my DD in case I just make things worse. I'm not expecting sympathy, but what would you advise?

BecauseImWorthIt Sat 18-Jul-09 10:42:16

Tell her it's a secret and she mustn't repeat it to anyone. Go a bit further, and also tell her not to talk to her friend about it as it will be upsetting for her.

She should be old enough to understand this.

I think it's a very difficult one but I can understand why you were trying to explain things to her!

LightShinesInTheDarkness Sat 18-Jul-09 13:17:51

Thanks BIWI - I have said to DD that I was a bit of a twit to tell her and suggested she just doesn't discuss with her friend. Don't want to put DD under pressure though, its my mistake.

LightShinesInTheDarkness Wed 05-Aug-09 01:38:48

Anyone awake?
This situation has had the worst possible outcome.
DD's friend told my daughter that things were terrible at home, and that her Dad had done something awful to her Mum and they kept arguing. So my DD told her that the Dad had found another friend.
My DD said the little girl was really upset,begging DD to explain what she knew.
My own DD is now beside herself and so am I.

Both DD and I went straight back to the house and I told the mother the truth - that I was trying in the first place to help my DD understand why things where so bad for her friend and help her support her. She tried to reassure my DD that she had not done anything wrong. But I have.

I fear I have ruined not only my DDs friendship but that I will be shut out by the other mothers in the town when my own friend tells them what I have done.

I posted another thread earlier as I inadvertently cocked with an email at work and I feel like a total failure tonight.

hayes Wed 05-Aug-09 01:42:53

aw you did what you thought was best at the time and you have went round to speak to the mother so you have admitted you were in the wrong. I've spoken to my dd about "adult" matters before as I felt it was the best way for her to understand why she shouldn't say certain things around her friend.

How did your friend take it? was she angry

LyraSilvertongue Wed 05-Aug-09 01:43:58

Aww, give yourself a break. You were trying to do the right thing. You are not a failure.
How did other girl's mother take it when you told her what had happened?

LightShinesInTheDarkness Wed 05-Aug-09 01:49:13

So glad someone up. Thanks.

My friend did not seem angry when I spoke to her, but the children were nearby so she could not really.

I did apologise but not in a whiney way, and said I felt that the best policy was for me to be honest about what I had said to DD, and she had said to her little friend, so we could try and put things right.

LyraSilvertongue Wed 05-Aug-09 01:55:01

Don't beat yourself up then. These things always come out eventually anyway.

LightShinesInTheDarkness Wed 05-Aug-09 01:57:53

Maybe they do come out, but the little girl should have heard it from her parents if she was going to.

I guess I just need to ride out the storm, accept responsibility and wait till my friend rebuilds her trust in me, if she ever does.

BitOfFun Wed 05-Aug-09 01:58:37

I think you just need to trust your daughter to be discreet as far as she can. She will probably be able to rise to the challenge, as she has your open understanding, and I think this helps them develop maturity and judgement.

LyraSilvertongue Wed 05-Aug-09 02:02:31

I think your friend should have told her daughter all about it herself, anticipating that this might get back to her by other means.

LightShinesInTheDarkness Wed 05-Aug-09 02:06:00

BoF - she is a dear little soul, actually.

And she said she knew she was not supposed to tell her friend the truth, but the other little girl was 'begging her'. I can't blame her for giving in to that difficult situation. And DD did tell me immediately what had happened so we could try and sort it out.

She has cried herself to sleep tonight.

LyraSilvertongue Wed 05-Aug-09 02:07:18


JoesMummy09 Wed 05-Aug-09 02:07:51

I bet it feels much, much worse tonight because you have had a terrible day.

You made a mistake. You've done your best to try to fix it (and I think you were incredibly brave to confront the situation head on). Call your friend in the morning and see how things are.

We all get it wrong sometimes. Don't punish yourself any more.

BitOfFun Wed 05-Aug-09 02:08:11

Aw, well I misread then. Just reassure her, I guess. It all still helps her develop her sensitivity. She sounds lovely.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 05-Aug-09 02:10:08

LightShinesInTheDarkness, I think that by going round to clear the matter up, you have done the best you could. Your dd's friend's mum knows you weren't being gossipy or malicious, and she knows what your daughter has told her daughter. This puts her in a position of strength when it comes to being truthful with her own dd.

Please don't beat yourself up about this - you can be a real friend now, when she needs you - or you can be too embarrassed (about nothing, imho) to be there for her.

LightShinesInTheDarkness Wed 05-Aug-09 02:14:53

I feel reassured by your comments.

I am embarrassed by my actions, but underneath it all I really want me and DD to be able to help my friend and her kids through a bad time. None of which is of their making, sadly.

Uriel Wed 05-Aug-09 02:17:42

LightShines - that took guts to tell your friend.

I hope your friend will be ok with this, longterm. None of us are perfect.

everythingistaken Wed 05-Aug-09 04:44:44

you sound like a lovily honest person i'm sure your friend will understand.

hope your little girl feels better in the morning, bless her xx

LightShinesInTheDarkness Wed 05-Aug-09 20:45:58

Thanks for all your support last night, MNers.

I took JoesMummy's advice and called again this morning. We had a chat and my friend does understand where I was coming from.

It looks as if we can put this behind us and move on.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 05-Aug-09 20:56:24

Yaay! grin

CarGirl Wed 05-Aug-09 21:00:19

I'm glad you've been able to build bridges.

everythingistaken Wed 05-Aug-09 22:08:08

grin for you.

JoesMummy09 Wed 05-Aug-09 23:48:16

I'm really pleased. I also think you are very courageous (sp?? there has been wine...) to have tackled things head-on.

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