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So tired of living under the cloud of DH's unemployment :(

(4 Posts)
emeraldgirl1 Fri 03-Jul-09 11:16:18

IT's just going on and on, and has been for months. The worst thing is that opportunities keep appearing to come up, only to come to nothing. He's just trying to put together a series of unpaid projects to keep his CV up, but I have no hope that any of them is going to lead to a permanent job.

Oh, wait - that isn't the worst thing! The worst thing is that it's impossible for me to express my own stress and worry and frustration about the situation because I don't want to load that on him. He has fragile confidence about this anyway, despite being very confident in all other areas, and I know it's only going to make the situation worse for him (and therefore for us) if I have a bit of a meltdown and let him know how worried I am about it.

We're living off my earnings but I'm self-employed and they're patchy at times. Plus I did want to think about the idea of having a DC at some point in the not-too-distant future and all I can think about right now is how the hell we could do that if he's still looking for work and I'm the main (sporadic) earner.

It just feels like all our plans, along with our savings, are going up in smoke. We'd always planned to move out of our tiny flat by now, to think about starting a family... all we're thinking about now is how to get him a job. There doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. I know things could be so much worse - we have a terrific marriage, our health... but this is very hard. I feel like I have nobody to turn to over this.

notamumyetbutoneday Fri 03-Jul-09 13:17:08

Im so sorry to hear that Emerald. You know you can always vent on here when you need to let some of the frustration out.

Whilst I understand you don't want to make him feelw orse aboutt he situation by talking about it all the time, I would guess that it is equally important to keep communicating about it so he doesnt feel like he is bearing the brunt of it alone, and you have someone to talk to as well. Do you have family and friends you can talk to as wel?

Practical things:
Can he retrain to increase his chances of getting a job? Has he registered his CV with every job site going?It sounds like he is being very proactive in doing unpaid work, im sure that will boost the CV.

Have you checked all your direct debits/outgoings etc to make sure you are spending as little as possble? have you got the highest interest (not that that's much!) on your savingsa ccounts? Again not a lot realy but doing little things like this might help you both feel like you are controlling the situation rather than the other way around.

Good luck.

buttonyourlip Fri 03-Jul-09 15:03:38

Hi Emeraldgirl,

My Hubby was out of work for almost a year and a half - it began 4 months before our first baby was due. DS is now 2 and a half, so this was some time ago. It wasn't too worrying to begin with, but as time progressed seeing how it affected hubbys confidence was what worried me. I found the best thing to do was stay as supportive and bright about it all as I could without pissing him off by being too cheery !! As the other poster said, he seems to be keeping himself busy and as positive as possible, which in these current times is about as much as can be done.

If you do think you need to talk things through, say to him before you start on the issue, that you don't want to upset him or add to his anxiety, but you feel that the two of you need to join heads and work as a team to get through this tough time. Re-iterating your support from the start should re-assure him rather than make him feel like he is letting you down, as you don't want to make him feel defensive. If you think expressing your concerns to him will only add to his stress, maybe you could open up to a good friend or family member. If you can, take comfort from the fact that this is affecting so many people at the moment. As long as he is talking to you and not clamming up, the best you can do for him is to keep listening and encouraging and re-assuring - if not about the job situation (it must get tiring to hear endless comments about how something will turn up) but to re-assure him of your love and support. Finding ways to do nice things for him that don't cost much money help you both keep up moral. You'll feel good cheering him up a bit, thus putting a smile on both your faces! Light some candles at dinner, run him a nice bath to relax in etc. Try to help him unwind. Chances are he feels pretty shite about putting all the plans you share on hold.

As far as the issue of starting a family goes, it is wise to wait until there is more financial stability available to you all, but do remember(as my mother always reminds me) lots of families didn't/don't have two pennies to rub together as their children were growing up. And the truth is, it really is amazing how little money small people really need. Apart from the all important basics - nappies, clothes, food and a place to live. Almost everything else boils down to love and attention.

Good luck, keep positive for both your sakes. Hope some of the above helps...

emeraldgirl1 Fri 03-Jul-09 15:24:34

thanks notamumyet and buttonyourlip!

Yes, that is good practical advice. We are going to need to sit down and talk through the finance situation, but I have been putting it off because, oddly enough, though it makes me feel better to have a nice, safe budget, DH gets very antsy about it - I think it makes him almost more stressed. I think partly because he has a slight head-in-sand approach and just keeps hoping it won't last forever, so me forcing the issue almost makes him think I've lost hope, IYKWIM.

And yes, it's true that babies don't need lots of cash, just the basics and lots of love. But what worries me is that thinking about/actually getting pregnant right now is just going to put more pressure on DH to 'provide' - and really right now, there does seem to be a serious limit to his chances. I'm sure it will improve - actually, I'm not, I'm just saying that!! grin - but who knows when?

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