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I need an unjudgemental ear...I still love my exdh and feel stuck

(8 Posts)
misscathcart Fri 03-Jul-09 09:47:22

I just need to get this down really, please bear with me!
My marriage ended suddenly just over 18 months ago. It was quite messy, my dh suffering from a breakdown after dd was born, we both hit rock bottom and he left me for someone else. It's been a bumpy ride since then. He and this woman have been on and off and seem to have something that keeps bringing them back together. We have had some terrible, hurtful times when I have felt like I hated him but seem to have come out the other side and are close-ish again - well as much as is appropriate given that we are both with other people.
I have been with a wonderful young man for a year now - when I think back he did save me from a pit of despair and I felt head over heels in love.

Oh god I wish I felt that way still, it would be so much easier!

For a while now I have been thinking about my exh a lot, thinking about old times, thinking about how things would be now if we were still together and a family. About 6 weeks ago I went into a panic and ended my relationship feeling I had to give things a try with my exh who had also broken up with his girlfriend at that time. I acted completely irrationally and my boyfriend was heartbroken, devastated. I told my exdh what I'd done and said I couldnt face him or anyone for a few days and needed time to think. I was so confused I thought I'd made a mistake and told my boyfriend this, I wanted to get back together. He went away for a couple of weeks and when he got back we started again. I told my exh that I didnt think we could turn back the clock and start again and that we must move forward.

But here I am again, thinking about my exh, how right we always were, how relaxed I feel with him, how well we get along. We are on the same wavelength and I dont feel I can ever have that with anyone else again.

I dont feel that way with my boyfriend although I do think he is one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. He would do anything for me but it has got to the stage where even that annoys me. I do love him, but I dont see him as 'my soulmate' or feel as at ease with him. He's very needy and this is also quite draining.
I keep trying to focus on a future with him, we talked about moving in together in September but I know that would be a mistake. I can see a future with him but I know it would be one in which I would feel quiet regret.

I know that I can't continue to let him think I want this, him. But I can't, I dont know how on earth to let him down. After the last time I absolutely promised him that I wanted to be together. I thought that was what I wanted at the time. I can't bear to cause that hurt again.

Owls Fri 03-Jul-09 09:59:34

Sounds like you need some time on your own. How does exh feel? Has he mentioned trying again? Tbh, I think you've got rose-tinted specs on. Did exh know why you'd finished with DP?

misscathcart Fri 03-Jul-09 10:09:16

Thankyou. I know, I'm fully aware of the rose-tinted specs too. I'm really trying hard to be realistic about how life would be. It very easy to imagine things would be peachy but I know it would be a long haul at best.
I just can't shake these feelings I have. I think I buried them for so long after we broke up as a survival/self defense thing and now that I feel strong and happy about myself once again they are coming to the surface.
Yes he did know, we discussed it briefly.

bethoo Fri 03-Jul-09 10:26:59

it is hard as when you are separated you think that if you got back together it would be better but sadly people ralrely change and chances are if you got back together it would not work out. it is hard ot face especially after all the fun you did have together but at the end of the day he left you for someone else and could do it again.
i left my h 3 years ago and though we are not actually divorced, we ahve both moved on and i do think if him alot and have many regrets which i will have to live with for the rest of my life i know that if we did get back together (100% impossible) we probably would not last so i thik it is a fantasy that maybe 2nd time round it woiuld work.
and it could also be as the saying goes ''you want what you can't have''
you must accept that it is over and be happy that you are still close friends and have many happy memories no matter how hard it is to accept.

misscathcart Fri 03-Jul-09 10:53:10

thank you bethoo, that is worth thinking about. I know that even if we did get back together it couldnt be now or even in the near future. I can almost imagine it years from now. But I dont know. Maybe it is something I will have to just learn to live without. I find it hard to imagine that in all the years to come I will never have that love again. Just a few years of beautiful marriage and the rest of my life - nothing.

BrokkenHarted Fri 03-Jul-09 11:38:50

I feel like this now - that my H is my soulmate and now it has ended will i find anyone else i can be as close to or trust in the way i trust him.

We will see, here's looking to the future!

Have you talked to your DP about how you have been feeling recently. It is not out of order to still have feelings for your ex and he may understand and make it a bit easier for you, even if that is just by making a break up a more pleasant and understanding one.

shyandmighty Fri 03-Jul-09 14:12:19

I too am in exactly the same boat, so you're definitely not alone!
I feel that although my ex wasn't good for me (he has lots of emotional problems and jealousy was top of the list) in between the bad times were my happiest ever memories. He was, I felt and still do, my soulmate and I have never known a love like it - and I have led a very colourful life IYKWIM! It's still early days for me so who knows whats around the next corner? Still I identify with you and know the pain these feelings cause. It took me 40+ years to find the love of my life, unfortunately he turned out to be a bad-un. Maybe the likes of us will need, in future to learn to settle for different qualities in a partner and not keep harping back, hoping to feel that same love again. That's my view ATM. I strongly agree with Owls that maybe it's best for you to be single right now and give yourself some time to put your feelings into perspective.
Good luck and feeling very much for you...

ToughDaddy Sat 04-Jul-09 22:23:14

miscat- sorry to hear about your turmoil. You don't really say anything about how you ex-H feels about you?

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