I just need to get this down really, please bear with me!
My marriage ended suddenly just over 18 months ago. It was quite messy, my dh suffering from a breakdown after dd was born, we both hit rock bottom and he left me for someone else. It's been a bumpy ride since then. He and this woman have been on and off and seem to have something that keeps bringing them back together. We have had some terrible, hurtful times when I have felt like I hated him but seem to have come out the other side and are close-ish again - well as much as is appropriate given that we are both with other people.
I have been with a wonderful young man for a year now - when I think back he did save me from a pit of despair and I felt head over heels in love.
Oh god I wish I felt that way still, it would be so much easier!
For a while now I have been thinking about my exh a lot, thinking about old times, thinking about how things would be now if we were still together and a family. About 6 weeks ago I went into a panic and ended my relationship feeling I had to give things a try with my exh who had also broken up with his girlfriend at that time. I acted completely irrationally and my boyfriend was heartbroken, devastated. I told my exdh what I'd done and said I couldnt face him or anyone for a few days and needed time to think. I was so confused I thought I'd made a mistake and told my boyfriend this, I wanted to get back together. He went away for a couple of weeks and when he got back we started again. I told my exh that I didnt think we could turn back the clock and start again and that we must move forward.
But here I am again, thinking about my exh, how right we always were, how relaxed I feel with him, how well we get along. We are on the same wavelength and I dont feel I can ever have that with anyone else again.
I dont feel that way with my boyfriend although I do think he is one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. He would do anything for me but it has got to the stage where even that annoys me. I do love him, but I dont see him as 'my soulmate' or feel as at ease with him. He's very needy and this is also quite draining.
I keep trying to focus on a future with him, we talked about moving in together in September but I know that would be a mistake. I can see a future with him but I know it would be one in which I would feel quiet regret.
I know that I can't continue to let him think I want this, him. But I can't, I dont know how on earth to let him down. After the last time I absolutely promised him that I wanted to be together. I thought that was what I wanted at the time. I can't bear to cause that hurt again.
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Relationships
I need an unjudgemental ear...I still love my exdh and feel stuck
7 replies
misscathcart · 03/07/2009 09:47
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