secret friendship or is she fishing for more?

[skylark2000]

I have just found another email from a so called friend of my husbands she is form the email a single mum and the email is all about her son and her getting her hair done and getting herself ready for bed!?! its the sort of email i would send to a close female mate not the chap i met at a conferance to keep in contact about own buisnesses. he will listen to her waffle and reply back but has no intrest in his daughter or me. do i email her and tell her to piss off? he wont talk about it and is wiping email sent and replys off one iv seen no referance to me just daughter, one sent to him saved and hidden in folder alabout playing in snow and how young love is so sweet. What do i do has anyone else had this prob?

[foofi]

This doesn't sound right to me. But I don't think you need to sort it out with her, you need to sort it out with him.

[skylark2000]

he wont dissuse it she just an old friend and its different talking to her he hides it so i dont know and react! yeah right!

[junglist1]

I'd tell her to fuck right off and stop nicking better womens seconds. But I'm a gobby cow, everyone else would advise against that and are probably right. He needs to know that you don't expect this kind of crap when you have a child together. Why is he deleting? He's making it look suspicious by doing that.

[abedelia]

By making it a secret friendship, HE is fishing for more. If it was all above board then he wouldn't be hiding it. Sorry. It's called the start of an emotional affair.

Tell him you are uncomfortable with it, ask him how he'd feel if YOU were hiding little cosy missives from some random bloke, and make it clear that if he chooses to continue on that path then he is risking your marriage. Be very firm.

[skylark2000]

he just said they worked together!

[Kimi]

I think the fact he has hidden it is a worry, and he is to be blamed for that not her.

I used to chat to one of the dads at the school (our sons did a after school club together so we were often there to pick up after most other parents had gone) kids were friendly and he lived on the walk home so we often walked home together with our children chatting away, we talked about each others other half, his child and mine , his child was statemented and I was waiting for mine to be so we talked about that and other every day things. He walked my children home a few times when I was working late and we exchanged Christmas cards, He was part of the gaming lot as is DP and His gaming clan set up matches with DPs gaming clan, his PC broke and I said DP would have a look at it (as he can build/mend all things) So DP fixes the PC and I call this chap up say come get it. Next day DP gets a text from this blokes wife asking "is your girlfriend sleeping with my husband?" seems that he had kept the fact he spoke to me a secret, had "hidden" emails (all of which were very every day such as do you know club has been canceled or School play moved to xxx time.
But because he had not told her anything about the fact we spoke she got it in to her head I was a man hungry trollop!!

She sent me some very nasty texts, and I had done nothing wrong, if she was going to be pissed at anyone it should have been him for hiding something in the first place, not me.

In the end I stopped him at the school and said if he did not take her to book I would go and slap her silly. I make a point of not talking to any of the dads at the school now, even the ones who's children are very good friends of my children as I can not be bothered to deal with paranoid partners.

I think the person you need to be telling to piss off is him, he is the one hiding things.

[dollius]

Yes, Kimi is right.

This woman is not the issue. Your DH's behaviour towards you is the issue.

Deal with that.

[Overmydeadbody]

Kimi gives good advice.

[Kimi]

not known for that often

[abedelia]

Hmm, not sure that threatening to do violence to a woman who apparently has a dodgy partner is entirely good advice... She may well have had reason to be paranoid - such as if he is a repeat offender at trying to get into the pants of anyone saying more than hello to him.

However, the principle is right. It is the bloke in both cases who has got it into his head that he is doing something 'naughty' and clearly likes this and wants it to go on and on. So he's the one who needs dealing with.

[Kimi]

When my son came out of school crying because her child had told mine "my mummy and daddy are getting a divorce because he sleeps with your mum" it is time to offer her a smack in the mouth.

I have to say he did get her to stop the text and the other shit because I think he knew I would smack her, If he puts it places he should not then he has a problem, if she lets him do it over and over and blame everyone but him (and herself) she has a problem, I did nothing but chat to him and get his PC fixed, I did not need her crap.

[skylark2000]

but did you chat about getting yourself tarted up and how you were going off to bed in detail?

[skylark2000]

he seems to think that he doesnt need to talk he can brush it to one side and offer me a cup of tea ect (something he would not normally do!) and i'll forget and it will be ok I feel i could SCREAM how do i get him to tell me honestly whats going on with no spin and lies?

[OrangeFish]

Then the problem is your husband not her, talk to him about how this make you feel, but don't take it on the woman... actually, give your DH the benefit of doubt, I really don't think that emailing a woman is necessarily a sign of an incoming emotional affair.

Please also bear in mind that if you get worked up about emails to female colleagues... well, what's the point of upset you if nothing is going on? I would probably not mention anything if I were him.

[OrangeFish]

And also keep in mind that if nothing is going on, and you complain about a possible interest from her that he may not have noticed... well... you would be directing him straight to to the target, don't you think so?

[skylark2000]

he has been caught surfing porn and when asked to stop carried on regardless of my feelings, she not a work thing as we own are own buissness which latly ive been left to manage while he goes off to trade shows? ect he is tottally switched off about our marrage and his child and only shows intrest when caught at somthing else. if i leave it the buissness and staff and loads of things more complicated than most? Ive just had enough of the crushes on younger members of staff and him acting the Twit

[Kimi]

If he has a history of behaving like this it only makes it more clear that HE is the problem and not the woman.

[OrangeFish]

Relate? It may help, if he seems to be getting "distracted' more often than he should... well, perhaps exploring possibilities to improve your relationship will help more to keep the things in good shape, dealing with the causes of that behaviour seems to be a better option than trying to deal with possible consequences.