Confused about parents relationship and now affecting my marriage

[chocospence]

I attended a domestic violence study day today as part of my work and it always brings up a nagging doubt in my mind whether or not my parents relationahip was/is domestic violence or that they are both codependent and it's just unhealthy?

As a child i can't say i was ever happy, except away from the family home. After much therapy and a bout of depression i have generally concluded that i have a very poor relationship with my mother owing to her emotional neglect of me as a child and to this day. She is a victim to herself, life is always about her and how it impacts on her. However, on days like today i end up feeling guilty for thinking badly of her inability to make healthy decisions in case she is a victim of domestic violence.

My dad has a temper and finds my mother difficult and they did have horrendous shouting arguments as a child but never any phyiscal violence.

Now, my husband is reacting to the fact my mother seems to put our dd (21months)in situations eg. offering her a sip of her lager shandy and then becoming the victim of the situation when challenged and not apologising to him. He's upset with me for not challenging her after the event and threatening her with not seeing dd in order to change her behaviour. I don't think she'll ever change, as she never has in life and manage her in a safe way but do i risk my dd from situations where she obviously doesn't think? My mother is very different with my dd but still does silly things to challenge our parenting style i think.

Sorry this is long winded. have tried to summarise the best i can but it's hard when tied with loads of emotions. anyone got any ideas?

[chocospence]

bump

[chocospence]

bump again just in case anyone new can help!

[throckenholt]

I don't think there is anything you can do about your parents relationship - if your mother is a victim it sounds like you she wouldn't respond to any suggestions from you anyway.

As for dealing with her "putting dd at risk" - I would be very careful to weigh up how much actual risk there was and react accordingly. Eg I don't think having a sip or larger is going to do any harm at all - I wouldn't do it - but I wouldn't get into a big argument about it. If she were leaving dd alone while she went shopping - that sort of thing I would react to very strongly.

What I am saying is pick your battles - and explain to DH why you think that is the best approach.