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Recently widowed dad in new relationship... I'm an adult and should be able to get my head round it,surely?!

(8 Posts)
Haylstones Wed 17-Jun-09 15:51:25

My dad was married to my stepmum for 20 years and she sadly died (very suddenly) in December.

He took some time off work and has recently gone back. He's told me that he has a'female friend' but that there is nothing in it (he actually said 'there's no sex or anything [shudder]) and that they are both lonely and enjoy spending time together,going for coffee, watching TV etc.

The weirdest part is that my dad is nearly 60 and she's 29 (younger than me shock)

I don't live close to my family and my dad has just phoned to ask if it's ok for him to visit with said lady friend (FWIW, he has only visited once in 10 years but we see him regularly, although we aren't terribly close)

I feel like a petulant child- part of me thinks I should just be happy for him but the other part is feeling very protective of him.

I don't know whether I want advice, sympathy or what but any words of wisdom on how to approach this would be much appreciated- so far I've told him that aslong as he's happy then so am I and of course they can visit but I still worry about him. He really fell apart after SM's death sad

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Wed 17-Jun-09 15:54:56

I think it's normal for you to worry for him. Part of the reason is that this woman is so young, and you feel a bit protective about her motives for being with your dad, and a bit disloyal to your stepmum.

I would meet her and wait and see what she is like, and how he seems in her presence. It may put your mind completely at rest.

Haylstones Wed 17-Jun-09 16:03:52

It is very judgemental and I hate thinking it but my dad is pretty well off now and I worry that any future romance would be aware of this... the age gap is making me very nervous. He did keep this quiet at work but with the way he's been splashing the cash it must be obvious (think flash new car, cosmetic dentistry, hiring cleaners etc)

However, I am not forming any advance opinions or judgements and will wait until I meet her before doing so.
Is it Ok to have reservations as long as I treat her fairlyand with no preconceived ideas? I can't talk to my siblings about it.

MaggieBee Wed 17-Jun-09 16:18:31

Well, I'd be alert in your shoes too. Either your Dad has built it up to be more than it really is; she's just saying hello how are you and thinking very little of being friendly...... or she's thinking wealthy man!

Of course the 3rd option and I'm not totally dismissing this out of hand... is that she's met a man she really, really likes, even though he's 31 years older than she is....

OrmIrian Wed 17-Jun-09 16:20:49

Judgemental or not I'd be a bit taken aback at this. No disrespect to your Dad but what is she doing with a man so much older? that is a huge age gap.

Haylstones Wed 17-Jun-09 16:21:37

I'm hoping it's just a friendship but the fact they are planning to fly 400 miles to visit for a day so we can meet is worrying me.

I'm n ot dismissing the possibility of her genuinely falling for him, I just have some reservations about it (and wondering if I could ever find a 60 yr old attractive as there's less than a year between us)

Haylstones Wed 17-Jun-09 16:24:38

FWIW, my dad is very immature, he goes out socialising with all his staff and is full of energy, likes running about flying model helicopters, doing outdoor sports etc so he isn't an 'old' 60 yr old.

magnummum Fri 19-Jun-09 13:52:13

Haylstones - I could pretty much have written your post and feel the same way you do! My dad and stepmum were married for 30 years until she was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and died shortly after. Dad gutted. 7 months later he went on holiday - only to phone me mid week to say he wasn't there on his own, had gone with a friend and it was all going brillantly, she was wonderful and I had to meet her ASAP. Oh and she was much younger than him(60) and closer to my age than his!

Anyway, it's all been a bit bizarre I think. (too long to go into) . She has always come down to stay with him, all my stepmum's things are still there and the house is still exactly the same including the room where she died.

It was all off at Christmas and then in March 2 weeks after we put the headstone on my stepmum's grave it's back on, I had to meet her despite being heavily pregnant and she moved in the day before yesterday! (Dad told me the week before).

He seems happy and she was nice enough over a two hour lunch. I have concerns that she has no money, he does and that she is now not going to work having moved in. But at the end of the day it is his life and his choices to make. I just hope it all works out for him but I understand where you are coming from. Thought it was just me!

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