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Should i try again with my x-partner

10 replies

summerholiday · 16/06/2009 10:29

I split up with my SOn's Dad when he was just 4 months old. Had only known him for 6 months before I got pregnant, but it felt right at the time.
He has behaved very erratically at times throughout our relationship and afterwards.
He shouted and swore at my Mum when my son was 4 days old and my parents had come to stay.
Has been verbally abusive to me in public and in private.
I have found it very hard and lonely being on my own with my Son. I love him to bits, but feel exhausted mentally and physically at times.
My ex-partner is on anti-depressents now. He has admitted that he has behaved erratically.
He says that he loves me and his son, and he wwants desparately for us to try again.
I have just been on holiday with my parents for 12 days in France, with my son.
I found it very difficult at times.
I had several arguments with them. They were trying their best, and they love their Grandson. I just felt quite lonely at times, not the same as being with a partner.
Found it particularly hard seeing young children with both their parnets out and about, and me alone with my Son.
I don't think it will be an easy ride if I get back with my x partner.
My family don't like him, he won't be welcome at my parents, they live in Sussex, so won't have family support for our relationship, and my older brother doesn't like him. Actually wanted to beat him up when he swore at my Mum!, so won't be welcome at my brothers.
MMaybe in time, if we got back together, things would improve with my family.
The alternative would be for me to move to Sussex to be nearer my parents, and get a new job and start a new life.
Should I be brave and start a new life, or try to become a family again with my x-ppartner?.
Would be grateful for any advice.
My Son is 15 months old now.

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lostinthecitylover · 16/06/2009 10:33

IMO if he is verbally abusive now and also it has crossed the boundaries to your family I would be brave and go for option 2 of moving nearer to your family.

your exp does not sound a very nice person and if you live with him it will probably only get worse.

Yes it is hard seeing families but they're not always happy.

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Jazzicatz · 16/06/2009 10:41

Don't just accept a bad relationship just as long as you are in a relationship. In the long run it will do you no good. The first few months of moving can be tough but in time you will make friends and if you still want it, a relationship with someone you love and respect, and who loves and respects you. Don't accept second best because its easier, in the long run you and your ds need to be happy, loved and fulfilled.

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HolyGuacamole · 16/06/2009 10:48

No one can tell you what to do, only you know what is best......but....I'd go for the option of moving to your parents area and starting over.

Accepting this man back into your life is likely cause you no end of problems. Someone who shouts and swears at others (4 days after a very happy occasion) can't just use the excuse of depression. Not that it probably matters but did he fully apologise to your parents for disrespecting them? Or does he think he is right and quite entitled to spout off when he feels like it?

I think if you are even one percent considering taking this man back, it should be on the understanding that he can prove that he has changed first and that he should make every effort to ingratiate himself to your family.

Be careful and take your time and remember that you parents only want what is best for you.

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hobbgoblin · 16/06/2009 10:52

I think what you are in danger of is looking to either your parents or a partner to provide that missing element in your life. Of course lone parenting is exactly that: lonely (!) and of course human instinct makes us yearn to a certain extent for the closeness of a partnership with someone special. However, I feel in your situation it would be better to focus your energy on feeling happier without either your parents or a partner.

If you can achieve this then you will be in a better position to enjoy any new relationship that comes your way. I do think it would be possibly heartbreakingly pointless to revisit the relationship with your ex. You have already come so far, why go back to an unhappy situation when a better one almost undoubtedly lies ahead of you? Don't be tempted to make the common mistake where you feel a little low and a bit lost and start thinking that 'only just good enough' would be better.

Maybe part of the reason for the stress between you and your parents is the frustration of knowing deep down they cannot fill the gap you want to fill...and nor should they.

I'm not suggesting that if you start going to evening classes and get your hair and nails done all will be fine but I do think that you need to ascertain what needs you have unmet at the moment and see which you can do something about. When you put yourself back in control then life and future relationships will happen.

I don't wish to be trite, I think I have been where you are and not so long ago and I am VERY guilty of settling for what I know is not good enough because fear and loneliness and the feeling of missing out gets the better of me.

Could you write a list of the stuff that would make your current set up feel improved and start working on some solutions which don't involve dependency upon a relationship with an ex partner or over proximity with your parents?

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HolyGuacamole · 16/06/2009 10:55

Great post hobbgoblin!

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ginnny · 16/06/2009 11:02

You don't say anywhere in your post that you love him. Just that you don't like being alone and you are finding it hard with your ds. It would be a disaster to get back with him if it is just because you are lonely and for your son's sake.
If you do still love him, then he has got a lot to prove to you and your family. He should apologise to your Mum and Dad and go out of his way to prove to you he can be the man you deserve.
Does he see your son? Can he take him out and give you a break for a few hours every now and then? That might make life a bit easier for you.

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summerholiday · 16/06/2009 17:05

Thanks for your messages. He does seem to be trying to change, but for some reason it feels as if he hasn't done enough to convince me. Maybe that's yet to happen.
I am afraid of being on my own, feel that i've failed another relationship, but this time with a child.
I think that I'm trying to convince myself that I love him, but that's leaving me feeling drained and down.
I think that I am better off on my own with my Son, just feel abit of a failure at the moment.
My x-partner has put me through some terrible experiences. Finding it hard to rebuild my life when he is so nearby.
If i move away, feel that i may be able to make a fresh start, but obviously he won't be able to see his son as frequently.
He has got alot of good qualities, but he has got his 'demons', which i find scarey at times.

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AnyFucker · 16/06/2009 18:57

hobbgob, Gawd, you are good

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hobbgoblin · 16/06/2009 20:04

HolyG, AnyFucker you are my mentors

summerholiday, your last post there is very 'head screwed on' and insightful - you just need to work on telling yourself you are not a failure at all. The relationship may have failed but this doesn't make YOU a failure.

Remember that bit about him not doing enough to convince you - don't budge on your bottom line 'good enough' there!