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I dont think he wants to ttc

(8 Posts)
orangehead Mon 15-Jun-09 14:00:40

Dh and I are planning to ttc next year. But I cant help feeling that he doesnt really want to and he is only saying yes to please me. I have tried to talk to him about it several times he just says he wants to but he is worried about me and he would ideally like to wait longer but knows that really isnt an option, as Im older than him. He says that sometimes he is unsure if he wants a child but if he does it will have to be next year or we might lose the chance so therefore he wants to. He also says he is sometimes excited about it but hides his emotions incase it goes wrong.

The problem is I want him to be excited and really want to have a baby. I really want us to have a baby but dont want him to feel rushed into it and end up resenting me and the baby. Am I asking too much?

mumblechum Mon 15-Jun-09 14:04:51

I presume that this would be your first?

Do you mind me asking how old you are? Perhaps you could give it a while longer, rather than him feel pressured into it.

Have you been together for a long time? I ask because we started a family very early into our relationship as we both felt the time was right in our lives, but if you've been with your dh for a long time before having children, maybe he's worried the change will be too much for him.

BitOfFun Mon 15-Jun-09 14:06:32

Erm, yes? I think he is doing his best to make you both happy, but you really can't control every aspect of his feelings, or how he expresses them. So he's got misgivings, like many many men, but he has put them to one side. He isn't unusual in keeping the excitement under wraps either. You sound like you can talk about stuff together, and as long as he can promise never to behave as though he resents you having a baby, and genuinely doesn't think he's likely to feel that way, then you are as well-prepared as anyone. Good luck with it, I'm sure it will be fine!

YanknCock Mon 15-Jun-09 14:14:59

Hmmmmm....difficult. My XH tried to put me off TTC, even when I'd been told by my GP to start trying due to PCOS and potentially needing fertility treatment (age limits on that). When we got married, we'd agreed to wait three years, but when that came around he then wanted to wait another two years. He avoided sex (not just avoiding TTC though, he had ishooes) and our relationship really suffered.

If he's not actively trying to put you off and is just expressing natural fears about becoming a parent, I wouldn't worry too much. For some men, it is asking too much for them to get outwardly 'excited' about TTC--this doesn't mean they will end up resenting you or baby.

Does your DH like children? Is he comfortable around them? Is your relationship pretty solid? If you're not even trying yet, I'd recommend not expecting too much just right now.

orangehead Mon 15-Jun-09 14:15:58

It would be my third but his first. My first marriage went seriously down hill after birth of first child, all most like he had a mid life crisis even though we both really wanted a baby. I then got preg with dc2 by accident and he basically ran as fast as he could. Part of me thinks I am just paranoid that he might do the same thing but then part of me feels I am just trying to avoid not getting in the same situation again.
Im 33 but have been having problems with my periods and have been advised not to leave it too long

YanknCock Mon 15-Jun-09 15:00:57

I could be waaaaay off here, but am wondering if you're quite clear on your reasoning for wanting a third child. Is it to make your relationship with DH more 'permanent'? Would you feel like something is missing between you if you don't have a child together? Or is it because you've been told it might be more difficult and that's suddenly spurred you on to do it (where if you thought there was no urgency it wouldn't have occurred to you so soon, or maybe not at all).

Am just wondering these things because I think it does seem to be a bit of a different situation when you already have two children, as opposed to neither of you having any.

How is he with your children? Is he a father figure for them?

Lulumama Mon 15-Jun-09 15:03:45

having a baby is a huge step and when you have 2 children already, he can see that a child is a lot of effort/ work / emotional turmoil, as well as all the good stuff

i thikn it is good, actually, that he has some reservations and wants to really consider it carefully, and not just leap into it without thinking of all the ramifications

i think most people do have some niggling doubts about starting a family, for all sorts of reasons, and with stepchildren involved, i should think there is even more to consider

he is being , i think, perfectly reasonmable

mrsboogie Mon 15-Jun-09 19:14:22

Two good things about your post 1) He is honest about his feelings and 2) he is not just leaping in without thinking, but thinking things through.

maybe he just doesn't feel old enough to have a baby - lots of blokes older than him don't. He could easily adjust to the idea in a year.

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