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Im an idiot

(18 Posts)
imanidiot Mon 08-Jun-09 21:04:02

I slept with my xh.

We have separated. His choice.

I came onto him, then him to me. We slept together.

All is feel is annoyance at myself for being such an idiot.

I think I have such low self esteem that I feel almost special he would want to sleep with me. (Why wouldn't he, it's on tap)

The only thing it has done has made me go, right, that's it. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm making myself move on. I'm going to make my life better.

But what an idiot I am.

And then I'm obsessing over whether I could get pregnant (we used protection)

Help (and be kind to me! I know I am stupid)

dittany Mon 08-Jun-09 21:05:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doodle2U Mon 08-Jun-09 21:06:03

Tell yourself, it was one last shag, just to make absolutely sure you were doing the right thing.

Now move on!

Good luck in your better life.

Greensleeves Mon 08-Jun-09 21:07:59

You're not an idiot at all, people do this all the time and it's very understandable. You're in a vulnerable state and feelings don't just melt away overnight.

I really think you should make a pact with yourself that you are NOT going to do it again though - because as you've found out, it bruises your self-esteem and makes you feel worse. And you are very important and do not deserve to feel worse.

So sorry you are feeling crap sad

imanidiot Mon 08-Jun-09 21:14:34

Thanks. Basically it was his choice. He is very selfish. I was made to feel miserable because of his moodiness.

I was just starting to feel ever so slightly better in myself, as well.

And the chances of pregnancy are?? Using condoms?? I'm scared still it could happen and there I'd be left with 2 babies and everyone saying to me, you stupid woman (because all my friends and family know the situ, I have talked to them about it)

dittany Mon 08-Jun-09 21:18:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarb Mon 08-Jun-09 21:20:07

Not stupid at all. It takes a very long time to fall out of love with someone. You shared your life with him, a child, it's not at all unusual to want to share sex with him again.

You're not the only one who's ever done this, plenty have before and plenty still will. Some even have an agreement with their exes.

I use condoms with my dh and whilst they can break, as happened the first time, you know straight away that it's broken. So I'd say it was highly unlikely that happened.

But I would ask, why are you obsessing about being pregnant? Does some part of you want to be pregnant so you would still have that connection to him? So that he would have to pay you attention? You sound as though you are hurting still. Perhaps a word with your GP wouldn't go amiss?

imanidiot Mon 08-Jun-09 21:28:12

I guess it's breaking that connection. I get to the point where I say, "that's it, no more" and am strong. then it hits me and I can't quite do it. But I know from talking to him that he does NOT want to get back together with me and even is considering seeing other people.

What an idiot!

The condom definately didn't break and we were very careful.

Rhubarb, I think you are right. Maybe if I was pregnant it would almost be an opportunity to have what I wanted (more kids, stable relationship etc). However, I'm not going to get it with him. I need someone to support me and to be a calming influence, not unsteady and unsettling. I am hurting. Not as bad as I was, but still there. Slightly. Alright, quite a lot. And yep, I do have depression

Rhubarb Mon 08-Jun-09 21:44:36

Ok. You two clearly loved each other in the beginning. What happened since then is something that happens to thousands of other couples and I'm sure he played his part in the deterioration of his marriage. What you do need to do is to remain friendly and keep communication open for the sake of your child.

Now think of all the positives that you have. Are you a good listener? Easy going? Caring? Loyal? Think of all the good qualities that you have. Write them down and read through them whenever you feel down. You are a good and worthwhile person and you deserve someone who will make YOU happy.

But don't go looking for that person just yet, you are clearly not ready. What you should do is have some 'me' time. Get your ex or someone else to have your baby for a night, once a fortnight, and arrange a night out with the girls. Dress up, go out, have fun. You don't have to go out every fortnight though, you can stay in with a brilliant DVD, chocs and wine and treat yourself. Be kind to yourself. You've been through one of the most traumatic things to happen to a person, the breakdown of your marriage. You need some tlc.

Talk to your GP, explain how you feel, very often just by talking to someone, we feel a whole load better.

You've got your whole life ahead of you. I'm guessing you are still young. There's so much to do yet, for you and your child. Go out and live your life!

imanidiot Mon 08-Jun-09 21:56:20

If I was that great though, wouldn't we still be together? I know it's not all my fault but I still can't quite equate the fact that it's all happened. I've grieved, I've cried, I've been miserable for over 3 months now.

I hate feeling like this! But I'm going to make things better for me and DD.

I am only young, 28, but it feels like I know no different and I don't know what to do.

I am conscious of not falling headlong into another relationship. I know I've got to find me again, but I so want to be loved. I just don't want to fear being alone. Because that may happen and I've got to enjoy my life.

Rhubarb Mon 08-Jun-09 22:03:41

Because people change. Yes you were great in the early days, but then comes responsibility, perhaps he didn't like that so much? And a child. Marriage and children are life changing events and people react to them differently. Did he do his fair share with your baby? You cannot take all the blame for the breakdown of your marriage - think about all the bad things he did, that should remind you of why the marriage broke down in the first place.

Now that you're free and single, you should really make the most of it. Because once you're in a solid relationship again you'll be hankering after those single days! smile

You must have loads of friends, perhaps even ones you lost touch with? Call them up, arrange a night out, a reunion! If you bring a little fun back into your life, you will miss him less.

It's not really him that you miss, it's the company, the security, the conversation, the sex. But not actually HIM iykwim. So fill your days up with activities. Have a look at your local college, is there a course you always fancied doing? It'll be free now you're a single mum, as will the childcare. Doing a course will boost your confidence, your CV and will ensure you meet people.

Join coffee groups - contact your local NCT as they are usually friendly and often run a babysitting circle. See this as a new opportunity - a chance to rediscover yourself.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Jun-09 22:08:06

wise advice, rhubarb

imanidiot Mon 08-Jun-09 22:22:52

Time to turn things aroudn then

How do I get past the hurt? Or use the hurt to move on. I think my mind works that if it still hurts, I can't move on? DOes that make sense? Because if it still hurts then I must be able to make it better. If I was angry and all cross, then I could move on.

But I'm not, I'm sad.

Rhubarb Mon 08-Jun-09 22:30:23

It won't just go away. It's a form of grief. First you have disbelief, then anger and guilt, then depression which happens 3 to 4 months afterwards and can last quite a long time, but the period after that is adjustment and recovery.

You need support to help you get through this phase and onto the next one. Talk to someone. This article might help you to understand what you are experiencing. This site has a helpline, manned by people who will understand what you are going through.

Don't try to get through this alone, the process will be quicker and less painful if you accept and ask for, help.

imanidiot Tue 09-Jun-09 09:13:36

Thanks.

Today is a new day, new start. I made a mistake and now I will move on from it.

I can't allow myself to be hurt from someone who doesn't want to be with me, but who doesn't want to cut ties completely. It's too much. He is just using me for his safety net and because I have always been there for him.

Even if he wanted to get back together in the future, there is nothing I can do at the moment. It's not my fault. I didn't want to leave. He did.

Anyway, enough analysing the relationship. There's nothing I can do. It's out of my hands.

It hurts so much. When does this start to fade and I start to feel like me again?

Rhubarb Tue 09-Jun-09 12:54:57

Best of luck. Don't waste your time on him now, your priorities are to make your lives happier for you and your baby. He chose to leave, that's his loss, his tough shit. Perhaps when you start your new life and you emerge, as a new, confident, sexier you he'll come sniffing back. That's your decision whether to let him back into your life again, but chances are that the more confident you get, the more your view of him will change and not for the better.

Now start planning your week, look into courses, call round friends. The grief will go once you start living again, sitting there feeling sorry for yourself will achieve nothing.

Do let me know how you get on!

imanidiot Tue 09-Jun-09 14:21:07

I will do.

I have already contacted a few friends to arrange things and I'm thinking about things to do ie. courses and volunteering.

My dream will be that in a few years time, I will be as financially independent as possible, able to pay my own way and support myself and DD and live life!

There is a tiny glimmer of hope out there. I'm just trying to find it!

Rhubarb Tue 09-Jun-09 14:52:26

You will! Well done, you won't look back, I promise you!

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