Is DP being fair or am I being unfair? I've had enough

[Bunnysoprano]

DP and I moved in a year ago together. He has one friend who is married with a child and really quite a noxious person. His is married with a child but cheats on his wife repeatedly and seems to think that lying for your own gain and to the detriment of your friends in totally acceptable. Both he and my DP are dentists and my DP works one day a week with him in a practice. The friend treated a patient incorrectly and then tried to blame my DP. Separately, any interaction we have with him ends up causing arguments between DP and I.

I have told DP that I don't think this friend is a good friend for him but that he is an adult and therefore I will not "stop him seeing the friend - I cannot do that. However, I WILL NOT allow the friend to impact negatively in my life as I do have a choice in that.

After the patient incident, DP thankfully gave him a wide berth for a while. I work very long hours and DP and I have not seen each other much recently. Today I worked from home as I was waiting for a furniture delivery.

I spent my "lunch hour" preparing a nice meal for DP and was really looking forward to seeing him as it is a lovely night here and we have just had garden furniture delivered. I thought we could spend some nice time together sitting in the garden; particulary as DP is going on a stag weekend tomorrow nightfor the whole weekend with said noxious friend (NF)too.

DP called me en route from work and said that
NF was coming round in twenty minutes or so to see DP's new car. I said to DP that, actually, I was looking forward to seeing DP, the food was in the oven and couldn't DP - at least - ask him to come a little bit later. I also said to DP that I had friends coming round for dinner (as he knew) to keep me company while he was away so I really needd help to build the new garden furniture as we wanted to eat in the garden.

DP told me that he couldn't tell NF to come later (WTF?). That he had agreed to go out for drinks with NF too?! However, he would take NF out immediately on arrival so that I could at least eat the food myself and not have to see him.

I am now writing this sitting in our bedroom (have super greasy hair and no make up as was working at home and was going to have a shower about the time that NF turned up). Rather than taking NF out, DP is in garden with NF and my carefully prepared food is burning in the oven as no fcker had bother to turn it off.

I know that I sound as though I am about five but I am really, really fed up and fcked off and am seriously wondering whether I want to spend the rest of my life with such (as I see it) selfish prick. We can't even sort this out as he will be out all night and then leaving for the stag weekend tomorrow while I am at work.

I've had enough

[Overmydeadbody]

Communication is key though.

I think your DP is being a bit insensitive to you and your feelings, but you need to take control of the situation. If the food is burning go down and turn the oven off, why would the men think to do that? (unless you actually specifically asked them)

[Bunnysoprano]

The oven is in beeping overdrive at the moment and I don't particularly want to see NP with super greasy hair.

However, I do realise that perhaps I am being a bit of brat and I will turn the oven off

[Overmydeadbody]

Oh for goodness sake just go and turn the oven off!!! No point cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Men don't even notice greecy hair anyway.

[Bunnysoprano]

I can confirm that the oven is now off ;-)

Notwithstanding oven issue, I do feel that DP is being slighly unreasonable here

[Overmydeadbody]

He is being insensitive, I agree.

Had you both arranged beforehand that you'd have a quiet night in together though? Because if not he hasn't really done anything wrong apart form be insensitive and a bit selfish, especially if he's going to se this friend all weekend anyway.

[ABetaDad]

Bunnysoprano - the thing that has struck me about this situation most forcibly is that the relationship between your DP and the NF is not a 'friendship'. Your DP is probably being exploited.

You mentioned your DP has 'one friend'. Does that mean your DP is in some way dependent on the NF? If so, the problem is breaking that relationship.

Looking back through my on life, I had a male friend like this. He was my best friend all the way through senior school and when I needed him most he let me down very badly and I realised he had always exploited my friendship when it suited him.

This may be a nuclear option. It wilL take guts but if you really feel strongly about this - you could calmly tell the NF that he is no longer welcome in your house or your DPs life and do this to his face in front of DP. You could do it after the stag weekend when you feel calmer.

[Bunnysoprano]

No - to be fair, we hadn't. However, he did know that I was working from home today and therefore would be home early. I kind of hoped that he would be looking forward to seeing me.

I feel very often with DP that everyone's needs and wishes come before mine and I think this is perhaps why I feel so irrationally upset about it.

Separately, I do find it very difficult to communicate with DP sometimes. He works on the basis that attack is the best line of defence and that essentially, he doesn't actually have to accept responsabilty for his behaviour as that is simply a reaction to something I have done. I have tried pointing out to him that he is an adult and therefore should be able to control his behaviours. Alternatively, therefore some of my behaviour can be excused as it is a reaction to HIS behaviour.

We do eventually make up. However, we are averaging about two explosive rows a week at the moment and are not speaking for days. I have to work very long hours. Less than DH as his hours are more fixed as he is a dentist. I am starting to think that there must be more to life than this and I want a better quality of life.

I have suggested counselling but he has refused to go.

[Bunnysoprano]

More hours than DH I mean. I am not suggesting that my job is more stressful or important than his. However, it does mean that I see my time off as being very precious

[Bunnysoprano]

ABetaDad - that is very interesting. My phrasing was bad. He doesn't just have one friend but this is a very close friend who met him at dental school and they have been friends for a long time therefore.

It is a really twisted friendship where the friend is never happier than when something is going wrong in DP's life or another friend's life. I have joked with DP that the friend would be thrilled if DP turned up at his door saying that he had been sacked, we had split up and I had chucked him out of the house.

I have seriously considered doing what you suggest but think that I can't ban he friend as it is DH's house too. Separately, DH is an adult and therefore he has to make he choice as to what he does?

[TheArmadillo]

I think he is being insensitive and I can see why you're pissed off. I would have been upset too.

However I think if you are planning a nice meal and a night in it and making up the furniture would probably have made situation easier if you had made it clear to him what you were planning for both of you to do. Then he would have known not to have invited friend round. Of course then if he did you would have been completely reasonable to be pissed off.

But it seems as if this is the tip of the iceberg with regards to you feelings on your relationship.

If he refuses counselling could you go yourself to an individual one.

The other thing is do you really see yourself not being in the relationship? Has it got to the point that you want to end it and if so have you told him that directly. That can often make more of an impact than anything else.

[Bunnysoprano]

Armadillo - I'm not sure re the relationship. The problem that I have is that, stupidly, I have threatened to leave before and not. Therefore, I don't think that he takes me seriously now.

However, I do know that, for the sake of my stress levels and health, I cannot continue like this.

[ABetaDad]

Bunnysoprano - "friend is never happier than when something is going wrong in DP's life or another friend's life"

I recognise that trait. A true friend helps a friend in need - it does not make them feel 'happy' when their friend is in trouble.

Of course you respect your DP as an adult. The problem is your DP may simply not be strong enough to say what needs to be said.

I will not go on - but i am glad to hear you have at least thought about pressing that 'nuclear' button.

[Bunnysoprano]

DP has come home now and said that he is not discussing matters as he does not want to have an argument.

I now have two options:-

(a) Try and discuss matters with him which will provoke an argument and I feel that I cannot handle that now

(b) Essentially, act out my feelings in a passive aggressive manner by ignoring him which is childish, hurtful and stressful too

Either way, the matter will not get resolved and therefore I am essentially allowing myself to be treated like this so I can only blame myself

I think I probably do need to leave on reflection because how can I carry on with a relationship like this?

[Doha]

Really not sure what is going on here.

You threatened to leave before but didn't. Why did you not leave?

He is going away tomorrow with friend!!!. Does he value the relationship with his friend more than with you??

When was the last time you were both away together.
It sounds like even after just one year he is taking you for granted and it appears that until he gets some balls he will contiue to see NF and perhaps be imoressed with some of his "stories" How easy would be lead astray by this guy. Sorry don't want to make this any harder.

Can you see yourself living in this same situation in 1 years time.

Unless he is willing to talk you certainly can't sort this out.

[Bramshott]

I would let him go on his weekend, and then discuss it fully and rationally at a later date when you are less worked up.

And then get your friends to help you build the garden furniture .

I think in some ways the problem is less today - your DP didn't know what you were planning - but more the whole friendship and the effect it has on your relationship.

Of course you can't ask your DP to break off the friendship if he doesn't want to, but you could set ground rules from your point of view:
eg. don't want friend in the house; don't want to hear about any dramas caused by friend etc.

[warthog]

how long have you been seeing him for? (i know you moved in together after a year.)

are there other problems in the relationship? it sounds to me like this is a manifestation of other issues you're experiencing.

[Jux]

Can you 'go away' so that when he returns from his stag w/e you are not there? Stay with someone for a couple of days. Then tell him that that's what his future looks like unless he can change his behaviour, talk sensibly, discuss problems openly and honestly, and put you in the top place of his priorities.

[Bunnysoprano]

Thank you all very much for your posts.

After, I posted, DP had obviously been thinking about things and came upstairs and apologised sincerely. He also did a lot of cleaning up and watered all of my pots in the garden and insisted that we watched big brother (I love it. He hates it). So, I feel that he was trying his best.

I did say to him that I felt upset and sad that he was upset too. He said he understood that and he felt bad too. He had actually sent me a text re NP but I hadn't seen it as was charging my phone so I felt bad too.

I do love him very much and I believe that he loves me too. Notwithstanding my rants last night, he does have a lot of positives. However, one thing that we HAVE to work on is communicating about issues rather than having enormous arguments. We do tend to always resolve the issues in the end to each others satisfaction but I really want to try and miss out the horrible, attacking arguments in the middle.

Quite often we can go for weeks without having an argument but if we are stressed at work ( I am the most guilty for this) then we do tend to bring it home and take it out on each other. Which is wrong. My work has been awful for the last three weeks hence more arguments. What I would like is just some general sympathy from DP and for him to listen to what I feel. Instead, he seems to think he has to fix the problem (which he can't) and then gets terribly frustrated.

We don't have any children but I am really worried that when we do they will be scared for life listening to us fight. Both of our parents are still together and have very happy marriages but I do remember how upset I felt when I was little when my parents had their (usually twice yearly) big rows.

Has anyone more experienced got any tips?!

[Bunnysoprano]

Ps - we have been going out for thre years.

Not worried about NP leading DP astray because I just know that DP would never do anything like that. Nights out with DP, NF and other mates often end up with DP coming home early saying that NF is acting like a dick or has gone of with some woman. I know for a fact that nothing would thrill NF more than to come to the house and shout in my face that DP had been unfaithful - I would expect him here no later than 7:00am the morning after the night before! So far, he's not had that happy bit of wish fulfillment so feel quite sure that DP has been behaving himself and I trust his absolutely anyway,.

Generally, DP is very sensible so I just can't understand this strange fascination with NF. They usually fall out about twice a year or so and don't speak for months so can't understand the magnetic pull back when NF gets back in touch. Things are slightly complicated by the fact that NF is married to one of DP's good friends from dental school too.

[specialmagiclady]

You say you have massive arguments every few weeks. Not pre-menstrual are they?

Just a thought as I am a slave to my hormones unless regulated by pill/coil etc.

I'm not saying your DP's behaviour isn't bad, but if you're having massive arguments it may be that your ability to cope with his bad behaviour is hampered by hormones.

Keep a fight diary and see if the dates correspond, then get ye onto the Starflower supplements if they do!

Oh, and on the subject of kids, I never really rowed with my husband 'til we had kids. Suddenly, though, the stakes were so much higher, the hormones so all over the place, the sleeplessness so all-pervasive (borderline Post Natal Depression I now think) that we actually learnt to really argue.

You won't always agree, that's normal. But perhaps you could try to learn effective arguing if you're thinking of breeding.

[Bunnysoprano]

Actually, I do get really bad PMT. Sorry if this is TMI but AF is due tomorrow and I think you may have hit on something there....

Starflower supplements? I will get some.

Because I love him and he really is my best friend, I do want to stop the arguments or at least learn to fight more effectively - is that possible though?! Maybe we should just get big Gladiator sticks that look like mahoosive cotton buds and go at it in the garden!

[Intergalactic]

"What I would like is just some general sympathy from DP and for him to listen to what I feel. Instead, he seems to think he has to fix the problem (which he can't) and then gets terribly frustrated."

Have you told him this? I think you need to have a conversation about this. Tell him that you don't like fighting with him, and you think that addressing this might be a way to avoid it. Say that next time you want a moan about work, you'll tell him at the start of the conversation that you just want some sympathy and not for him to offer solutions.

In general, the two of you need to be saying to each other 'what is causing our argumens, and how can we fix it?'. Maybe the solution could even be changing jobs!

[Intergalactic]

I think this is key too: "I do want to stop the arguments or at least learn to fight more effectively".

If you do argue effectively, an argument will be a discussion, not a fight. You need to see an argument as 'we have this problem, how can we solve it'. The fact that you equate arguing and fighting at the moment indicates to me that you've both stopped having useful discussions about your relationship.