Abuse?

[charlotte1978]

Hi

I'm new to Mumsnet and I would appreciate some outsider advice.

When I met and married my husband 6 1/2 years ago I was overweight. When I got pregnant I was overweight and when I gave birth to his daughter I was overweight and now husband is commenting on how I look and my weight every day.

Last night we were getting ready to go to the Supermarket. I don't drive and the supermarket isn't in walking distance and as I was waiting for him to put his shoes on I was putting our daughter into her car seat. I mentioned that tomorrow is voting day and that I might have my driving lesson at 7pm and get my instructor to drop me at the polling station and I will walk home so then in the same breath I said I want walk home and could he pick me up. The only reason being is the area around the polling station is dark and dreary and there are always loads of teenagers hanging around. He said that he wouldn't pick me up and he will make me walk as I could do with the exercise. He himself is massively overweight. He has a huge beer gut and when I point out that he is overweight as well he says that he has never denied that but I can't understand how an overweight person can bully another overweight person.

He comments all the time that I have never matched my underwear and that I should buy matching bra and panties (with what money!). I bought myself some new Britney Spears perfume for my birthday as I get a discount from my employer and I thought he would like it and then he turned around and asked why I smelled like bubblegum. I said it was my new perfume and he said it was horrible and that I should have smelled it before I bought it and I said I did!

He gets angry at me when I am too tired for sex and the other week he brushed me off saying he was too tired for sex and the next day it occurred to me that he was punishing me for all of the times I said no to him and he denied it but had this little smirk on his face.

Lately he has been in a foul mood and is spending more time at work. He ignores my emails and when I call him he is rude and arrogant and his colleagues know me. God knows what they must think.

I am crying all the time and he doesn't care.
I don't understand why suddenly he has turned on me. The other night I poured myself a glass of wine and he said that the wine had loads of calories and I was turning into a drunk. That was the first drink I had had in two weeks. I am frightened to get anything from the kitchen. He watches me as I use condiments on my food. I can see him staring at me and if I make a chip butty with my tea he glares at me. He says I can only have a teaspoon of tomato sauce with my tea. I tell him to P off but he just carries on. I am learning to drive at the moment and I thinking of quitting because I have been doing it for two months now and I am not enjoying it and I know I won't pass the theory test or the practical test so I feel I may as well save my cash and not bother.

He spends all of his spare time on the internet and when I ask him to spend some time with me he says he will and then he tinkers around with something so I end up going to bed.

He is a great dad but like any mum who is home all day I do want a break so when he comes home I ask him to watch the baby whilst I do something else for 5 minutes and I can hear him tell her that I don't want her anymore!

What do you think?

[macherie]

You sound like you are having a dreadful time at the moment. He is being a bully and you don't deserve that.

DON'T give up your driving lessons, please, think of the independance it will give you not to have to rely on him all the time.

Sorry I have to rush off to collect my dd, but I'll be back later.

Hoping someone else will come along in the meantime

[Rebeccash]

Hi
I am sure some-one much more experienced will come along and give some great advice but am sending you a hug. He is a bully, he is manipulative and controlling and i think you should leave him xx

[Tamarto]

Great dads do not treat the mother of their children like crap, he sounds like a real nasty piece of work.

I would say don't quit the driving lessons, you can and will pass both with a little work, you are worth more than this.

[Hassled]

He sounds like a tosser and you sound miserable. Other than being a "great Dad" (how? by telling your baby you don't want her anymore?) I can't see anything nice or pleasant or worth sticking around for about him. No one deserves to be treated like shit, and what you've described really isn't what a "normal" relationship should be like. Where's the love? Where's the respect?

Your options are a) put up with it, b) try to get him to change or c) leave.

[Bucharest]

Aww bless you, you so sound like you're having a bad time...
So here he is pulling you to pieces when he's overweight too? What an arsewit.
He's not a great Dad if he thinks it's OK to bully the mother of his child like this.
You know what? He sounds the weakling to me...bullies usually are. He's the one who is insecure, probably that you'll get fed up of his pathetic little attempts to undermine you and leave him.
Do you love him?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?
Do you want to change him? Do you want him to change? (he won't)
Or do you want a better life for you and your child? A life where your little girl grows up thinking it's NOT OK for men to belittle women in that way.
Think about it.
And don't stand for his shite any longer.

[Tortington]

get rid

[dizietsma]

He sounds pretty abusive Emotional Abuse Checklist.

Honestly, it sounds as though he absolutely no respect for you, and views you as a possession that doesn't come up to scratch. Often, abusers pick women with easily exploited insecurities, so they can control and abuse them easily with attacks on those insecurities. Sounds like this is happening to you.

He is destroying your self-esteem to the point where you feel there is no point in taking your driving test because you don't think you'll be able to pass it. You have stopped believing in yourself. He's probably intimidated by the possibility of you having more independence by driving, which would remove some of his control over you.

Let me tell you something about the driving tests- anyone can do it. Think of all the spotty 17 year old yahoos with absolutely no meaningful education who regularly pass. Get the theory test book, read every page, get someone to test you. You'll pass. It's not hard with the right preparation. If you have a decent driving instuctor, they wont enter you for the test until you're absolutely ready. The only reason you'll fail either test is a lack of self-esteem and nerves. If it's nerves, then you can get beta blockers from the doc to help you through. If you fail the first time, you can always take it again until you pass!

As far as your weight is concerned, I think that you need to read the book- Health at Every Size. It is a much better way of approaching the whole issue of being overweight- focussing on acceptance of who you are, and maximising your health as opposed to shame and extreme dieting.

You will not want to do what I'm about to suggest, and you certainly will not want to hear it. But I'm going to plant the seed, and hope that some day it will grow.

You need to leave him. Counselling does not help abusers. He will not ever respect you the way you want and deserve. He is not a great dad, he is abusing the mother of his child. It is unacceptable for any child to grow up hearing that kind of poisonous abuse towards their mother and it will psychologically damage them. Your child is young enough that if you left now, they would never miss what they didn't have.

You deserve better.

You wont change him.

Your child deserves better.

He wont stop.

[Lemonylemon]

Definitely don't give up the driving lessons - keep working on the theory, you will pass!

Your DH sounds like a right cheeky fecker. The next time he tries to bully you about your weight, tell him to look in the mirror before gobbing off. Or, tell him not to deflect his personal issues onto you and to sort himself out first before criticising others.... see how he likes it thrown back at him.

[mogwai]

I agree with everything the others have said. No wonder you feel like giving up the driving lessons - he's detroying your confidence.

He doesn't seem to have much respect for you. Do you have respect for yourself? Do you like yourself?

I am going to be totally honest and I might be wrong but I don;t know many overweight women who are happy being overweight. I have been overweight since childhood, largely down to crapola diet in our family when I was growing up but also down to comfort eating when I was unhappy.

A few years ago I just decided I couldn't take it any longer. I reduced my calorie intake and joined a gym. I lost four stone and wore a size 12 wedding dress. Suddenly I had so much confidence.

My weight went up after I had my first child - not to the same level but to a level I was unhappy with - however, I found looking after my child so exhausting and oculdn;t find the energy to exercise. I also knew I wanted a second baby and couldn't see the point of losing it again.

I'm now 38 weeks pregnant and I can't wait to shake the weight and get my body back.

I cold be totally off the mark and you may be perfectly happy but my advise to you would be to show this shit of a bloke what you can do. If you are overweight and eating chip butties then you know the answer to this already. And I understand because I LOVE chip butties but you know what, I wear them on my arse!

If you can lose the weight, you will regain your confidence and can perhaps make a decision about where your life is going. You deserve better treatment than this, whether you lose weight or not.

Am angry on your behalf!!

[charlotte1978]

Hi

Thank you for all of your replies.

I should have left years ago but I am from a family where divorce is not an option. I do consider leaving him but I don't know where to go. I am playing the lottery and bingo often so I can win some money and leave him!

He is the main breadwinner and makes me aware of that. I had trouble keeping a job after I married him because I suffered from anxiety
and we struggled financially. I suffered from anxiety because his family made me feel like sh*t. They make me feel like I am stupid and worthless. They belittle me and my background. Since I have been with him I am angry and depressed. He has never been overly affectionate and in jest he is a cold person. He will go to my parents house and sit there and play on his phone. Ignoring my family and yet if I was to ever do that to his family I would be abused. The other day I went to see my mum and step dad and my daughter was crying because she was hot. I took of her clothes and my husband stood up and said we were going home because she was not happy. We had only been there 10 minutes and I was forced to leave. I should have and would have years ago said you leave I'll see you later but I didn't. His family are nasty bastards and his father was the worst often making comments about my weight and I am pleased that my father in law died. His mother is the making up for it. She is so spiteful to me. I have no confidence and no self esteem. I don't like being big as I feel uncomfortable all the time and unsexy. That being said he likes me to dress up for him and I refuse and he gets arsy. He makes nasty comments about my sexual performance, saying I'm lazy. I am tired, looking after a baby and working. I used to binge drink to ease my stress and now with my baby I don't drink for obvious reasons.

I believe he is insecure himself but why take it out on me? My 2 year old niece isn't talking yet so he said to me that she must be autistic. I was so angry I screamed abuse at him and left him to it. He still hasn't apologised.

He prefers his cat to me. He spends a fortune we don't have on that cat and she makes a mess and he leaves it for me to clean up.

I am honestly upset.

[mogwai]

he's a bloody idiot, isn't he?

What are you going to do about all of this?

What do you want to do and where do you need to start?

[Bucharest]

He sounds like that bloke who wore brown crimplene trousers in one of the Marian Keyes books....Tara's obnoxious husband....

If you really want to leave, you will find somewhere to go. And you and your daughter will be so much happier. The help is out there.

[macdoodle]

Run run run like the wind - you can you will you must, and your life will be so so much happier, I promise you !

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Charlotte,

Re your comment:-

"I should have left years ago but I am from a family where divorce is not an option. I do consider leaving him but I don't know where to go. I am playing the lottery and bingo often so I can win some money and leave him!"

I am certain that if they knew what he was really like they'd be telling you to leave him. Your family's line on divorce is irrelavant here. Divorcing him is your only option now.

Forget the lottery and bingo playing; the chances of you winning enough to leave (and he'd likely spend all of your winnings anyway) is small to say the least. That's a pipedream too; you need to work on a realistic plan that you can stick to. Also my friend, you don't need a pile of cash to leave this abuser behind.

Womens Aid is a good place to start and they can help you.

He is patently NOT a good Dad if he is treating you, the mother of his child, like this. Many women in abuse situations write the "he's a good Dad" comment primarily because they have nothing positive to say about their man. He is NOT a good Dad at all. You are in an abusive relationship and by turn your daughter is as well. Your daughter will be damaged by him and you are being emotionally damaged by him now. You cannot leave her that damaging legacy.

You made a mistake in not leaving him years ago; the writing was on the wall back then I think. However, you do not have to compound that error by remaining with him now.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

www.womensaid.org.uk

0808 2000 247

[roneef]

So sorry for you.

You really need to act ASAP. Every negative comment from him is eroding your self esteem.

There doesn't seem to be a loving relationship.

I feel bad saying this but really, what will you lose if you dump him??

[Maveta]

Is it abuse? Yes it is. What are you doing to do about it?

I think you need to call womensaid and get some help and support in order to leave him and start piecing your self esteem back together.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

You know you need to leave for your child sake as well as yours.

He is a twat.

[macherie]

Charlotte, you've got some great advice here.

Please ring womens aid, you will feel better for talking about this in RL.

You deserve a better life that this. Do it for yourself and your dd. Be strong for her, and make a happier life for both of you.

[themoon66]

Life is short enough without having to waste it on this twat.

Show him the door.

[Jux]

Charlotte, ring women's aid, get your daughter and get out. Sort out everything else later. Get out now before he does any more damage to you and your beautiful little child.

[cestlavielife]

my ex used to tell me i was overweight (i was size 14 aftter three children). why cant you be like xxx who ash 3 chidlrena dn is slim etcetc...if i said dont tell me you are upsetting me he would say"but i am doing it to help you!" and act wounded...classic abusive behaviour....

get yourself some counselling.

not relate with him - you need to talk to someone, ideally wowen;'s aid, but a counsellor thru your GP would be a good starting point.

presumably you have spoken to your GP before about your anxiety?

there are also health programmes GP can refer you too which would help with both anxiety/depression AND physical health issues.

you cannot change him.

you can change your behaviour and reaction.

you can start taking control of your life and that of your daughter. she does not deserve to be in this situation. he is not a great dad. this is a myth we pedal to ourselves to justify why we stayed...

forget what others reaction may be - you need to think of yourself and your daughter's future.

btw your niece may actually have some speech issue - it would not hurt to have her evaluated if she isnt saying anything at all at 2 yrs old - have her checked by health visitor and referred - there is usually a wait list for speech therapy. if by the time the appt comes thru she is talking and there are no concerns then her parents can cancel that appt. usually two is the cut off point -if no words by two then she should be referred for speech evaluation. there may be no problem, or she may have glue ear or other issues. she needs to be checked out, so they can start a programme to encourage speech. .

i appreciate that your h saying she must be autistic was said probably in a vicious/nasty way - but as parent of a child with autism i would say that the most important thing is, if she does have any kind of speech issues/special needs - they are identified early, so if for example she did have signs of autism, then early intervention can be arranged. you can help your niece more by encouraging her parents to seek an evaluation rather than by focusing on your h on this one. sometimes children are just "late talkers" -but sometimes there ARE issues where therapy or treatment such as for glue ear is needed.

[junglist1]

Please ring Womenaid, you sound so distressed. My P is like this, and yes he did say no to sex as a punishment. It also doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, your child is also family. Good luck to you, let us know how you get on with Womensaid when you call them.

[junglist1]

Oh and tell him you're overweight after childbirth, what's his fucking excuse??!!

[Bucharest]

How are you today Charlotte?