Husband doesn't want me anymore - update. Help needed please.

[Charl75]

I'm a beginner with all this so please excuse me if I'm not posting properly.

Put on a message last night about my husband feeling 'confused' and wanting to split. Thanks for the responses.

Got ready for work today but couldn't make it and had to call in feigning illness. Called husband on the advice of my mum to come home from work so we could talk as he was in a terrible state too.

We have a wonderful one year old DS together but have had the odd fall out in the past. Last night he slept in the spare room which is unusual. To cut a long story short, he came home from work and it came out that in his words he is 'fond' of some receptionist at his work. He has said he is sorry and has messed things up but only sees this as part of an overall bigger problem with our relationship

I am in shock stupidly as I never thought he would do this to me. He assures me that it hasn't gone beyond texting.

During our time together we have had our problems caused by me as well as him but overall he has been a wonderful husband and father. He is a kind and generous man and we are well matched. However a big problem is the lack of sex - initially because of me and my self esteem but he says he doesn't view me sexually anymore, mainly as a lovely mum to our son (I also work full time)

I can't believe this is happening. He has gone to his parents an hour away to give us both 'space' for a few hours. He says that he doesn't want anything to happen with this woman but he doesn't know if our relationship is beyond repair (we have been struggling since DS was born).

Even if he decides he does want to try I don't know if I can get over his betrayal, even if it didn't go beyond texting. I don't know if I can trust him.

Feel cross, shocked, confused, betrayed, crushed, numb. Don't even know why I am posting this message. Just don't know.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Oh you poor thing

I think it's such a cop out for a man to wheel out that 'I only see you as mother' line. He owes you more than that.

Can you leave DS with a grandparent and go out the two of you and have a proper talk?

[Charl75]

DS is out with my mum today. She took him so we could talk. He thought the best thing was for us to both have some space even though I suggested we carried on talking. He thought we had reached a wall for now and didn't know what more could be said. He doesn't know what to say.

I'm close to my mum but not sure whether to tell her the whole story as if we decide to make a go of it, it could affect how she feels about him. My family are very fond of him but at the same time my mum is fiercely protective.

[mrsboogie]

would he go for couples counselling? sounds like there is a lot there to salvage

[BONKERZ]

char i am in a similar situation as you right now. DH left last night and i dont know if its the end of our relationship or not. we have had problems for the past year really and keep going round in circles. he left yesterday but we had not argued or anything he just calmly said he was going!

[mumoverseas]

hugs to you Charl. I think mrsboogie is right, counselling would be a really good idea. Not necessarily Relate, but perhaps family mediation.
I've always believed that one of the most important aspects of a relationship is communication, followed closely by trust.
At this stage, it appears that he has not been unfaithful and he has at least been a little bit honest and could have kept quiet about the woman at work. You definitely have a lot to talk about and I hope you can resolve issues. I think it is more common than we think for men to feel differently about us after we've had children.
If I were you, I'd talk to your mum. Of course she is fiercely protective of you but you need to talk to someone in RL and if you haven't got a close friend to talk to please try to talk to her x

[cherryblossoms]

I wrote a longer post but having read your post back, I really just want to say that you really, really should go to counselling. 'Phone Relate.

You will benefit enormously from a third person who is skilled in reaching emotions, vulnerablity and breaking through the walls we erect. You will benefit from talking to someone who is familiar with the terrain of marital difficulty.

Everything about your post is screaming that this is post-parenthood anxiety. You need to feel safe to let go of your anger over this betrayal. You both need to feel safe to discuss the self-esteem and sex stuff (they will be related).

Don't put it off, book the appointment today. There is usually a waiting list. I, personally, think that while talking between the two of you is good, you need a third, very experienced, party. Make sure it's a good counsellor.

Hold off on telling your mum until you are surer of where you're going.

Good luck.

[cherryblossoms]

Whoops. Meant to say that I agree with Mrsboogie.

[Charl75]

Thanks for your responses*
He is heading home to talk. Maybe something can be salvaged if he wants to try and if I can get over his texting. Not sure this will be possible but think counselling may be a good idea. Most importantly I want the best for my son whatever that may be.
BONKERZ - Hope things get better for you too*

[cherryblossoms]

Charl75 - I may be completely out of order here but is it possible that this is less a "betrayal" and the beginning of an affair, or whatever, than a cry for help; a way to break through an impassse?

It's just a suggestion, i don't know you both, so I may be wrong (obviously).

If it is, it's still mighty annoying, and f*ck-witted but it would be the wrong approach to deal with it as though it is a betrayal/affair.

As I said, I don't know you both so, it's only a suggestion.

But you might want to spend a little time thinking about what you want out of your relationship with your dh OTHER than a stable background for your ds. There really should be more on the table than that.

I think you sound hurt and with a lot of walls yourself (v. v. understandable). Maybe you should really concentrate on advocating you both go for counselling rather than anything else at this stage.

[PlumBumMum]

charl75 and cherryblossoms and Mrsboogie are right about the counselling, your ds is only a year old and its easy in to get wrapped up in this new person,

I don't think your relationship is over and its important that your dh dosen't think that either, fingers crossed for you,

maybe you could consider a weekend break without your ds and re-establish yourselves as a couple, but def think counselling is the first step

Bonkerz hope your ok too!

[Charl75]

Thanks cherryblossoms. I really appreciate your thoughts. There's a lot to think about.

[Charl75]

Thnaks too PlumBumMum

[Charl75]

We have talked and are going to give it another try for now. I suggested counselling but DH not keen. Time will tell I suppose.

[ABitStretched]

Can i just hop in. When ds1 was 12 months me & dh nearly split. Then when ds 2 was about 12 months we were at it again. We've stuck with it and now the kids are a bit older (2&4) things have settled down and I am sooooo glad I invested the effort to tough it out and keep the relationship going. Good luck.

[mrsboogie]

charl blokes are rarely going to be up for counselling - it involves talking and explaining feelings and all that stuff that lots of them hate doing.

The fact that he was honest about the receptionist is a good thing. But you need to make some changes to try and get your relationship back rather than just being a mummy and daddy. I know how easy it is to fall into this trap as we have a nine month old and went out together for the first time in at least a year last Saturday. Even then I kept on talking about the baby even though I had promised myself I wouldn't.

Try to get out together, get dressed up, flirt etc (very important) he needs to be reminded of you before you were a mummy. I'm sure that what you are experiencing is a common enough occurrence in couples after a baby. It happens to everyone to some degree or other. The important thing is to recognise and deal with it before too much time has gone by and the relationship is irretrievable.

[Charl75]

Thanks for the support. All the messages have been so so helpful. Feel more positive than this morning

[SemperEadem]

You have had some great advice - I am going through marriage difficulties myself and understand how important it is to have couple time. My DH is in the forces and we have NO time at all together due to family & friends being so far away. I would be upset re the texting thing too but he has told you, not tried to keep it secret.

Keep plugging away

[Charl75]

All gone downhill. Suggested councilling but DH not interested. He told me tonight that he doesn't even know if he wants to try really. He says it's been building for a long time, he loves me but not in the right way and feels that if we try he will just hurt me again a couple of months down the line....

Cried so much this week. I honestly never imagined us not growing old together.

He has always idolised me and to go from that to rejection is utterly shocking.

Oh well, that's life...just never thought it'd be mine. sigh.

[melly407]

Charl, i so know what you are going through, as my dh dosnt want me either, he's kissed another woman and txts 3 others. i totally love him and dont want us to split.
Your last 3 sentences are exactly how i feel.
I a sense i feel bereaved. I have 3 children, 7yrs, 4yrs and 9mths.
Life is hard beyond words at the mo.
The only thing i can say is, i found out about the first woman 6weeks ago and the most recent one last weekend.
He sayes he wants to give it another go, but as i sit hear typing this, i have not got a clue where he is! he usually gets in from work at 7pm! hes ignoring his mobile etc. i love him to much to end it all, im hopeing that by him carrying on like this (which he will do) i will fall out of love with him, so then it will make it easier for me to kick him out. he also sayes he dont love me and that "im just a mum"
One good thing i spose, ive lots shit loads of weight!
So if you need to chat, im proberly not the best to chat to , i just really do feel for you as im going through the same.
Keep in touch.
xx

[Charl75]

Thanks melly.

Hope you're bearing up.