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Cross at dh (doesn't happen too often) just need to vent. Very long.(16 Posts)
Okay so since ds was born, dh has:
forgotten 3 wedding anniversaries.
moaned every time I have tried to drag him out, even when we have my parents staying with us.
refused to get involved in most big decisions like where we go on holiday, leaving me to sort out all the details, and then asking a million pesky questions once it's all paid for, then not listening to the answers and asking all over again.
Not cooked a single meal (turning into his father on that score). Again asks a million stupid questions when required to make a simple sandwich.
My latest disappointment was trying to book a romantic weekend away to celebrate 10 years of meeting each other (without ds). He just wasn't interested in looking at any places, winced at the cost of the one I suggested (he really knows how to make a girl feel special!) and then when I challenged him, told me to book it.
All these things I have ignored, especially at the beginning, as he is a fantastic dad and when you get him out/on holiday he does cheer up.
BUT today, he phoned in a shit of a mood and left a message while I was in a business meeting asking did he need to pick ds up from nursery. He always picks him up on a Tuesday because I work from 5-6 when the picking up has to be done. When I phoned him back he said he was really busy and he would try to get there! Er well yes, you can't bloody leave him there matey. I said I'd leave his tea out to save him a job as I was going to the movies. He claimed first he'd heard of it.
And suddenly all the little disappointments that I had ignored came back to me and I got really peed off and typed this.
hi bobbybob, I feel for you, I really do but and God please dont take offence but it sounds like you have two ds and no dh, your dh as i see it, is like a needy child, you dont need to be Einstein, just look at your own comments, "asking a million pesky questions" " I said I'd have his tea out to save him a job, sorry bit of bad humour here but would you hold his hand while he went for a tinkle! Chrissssakes woman.and I'm actually Irish, but seriously your not his mum, and usually I'd be inclined to opt for the woman in most arguments but petal, tell him as his dw that you have enough to contend with, with one ds, so basically hun, tell him to GROW UP! so it's simple stop mammying him and demand the man! I dare you
Ps I am on your side
What was he like before ds was born? My dh has his faults but he does at least cook often and usually remembers anniversary's. I think you should sit him down and tell him things have to change.
My dh rarely remembers birthdays or anniversairys - I now wait for the night before for him to do the usual "I have been so busy i have not had a chance to get you anything and feel soooo awful..." and I end up telling him that is not important. The other day I confronted him about it as we were talking about remembering dates and told him how I wait for him to tell me that he hasnt got round to it and he went on about how upset he was and he had no idea he was so bad....AGAIN turning it round to me - either for me to forgive or for me to tell him he isnt really that bad.
I guess some men are just like that - always needing others to take the responsibility and to take the upper hand regarding childcare and general family decisions, I know I am. Still love him to bits and he loves me, does other stuff round the house, good dad etc. but wears me down at times too. Lots of sympathy and no advice to give!
I know what you mean........my Dh is fab in most ways but since I am not working full time and more often at home my once domesticated man seems to have "forgotten" how to do even the most basic of household chores/duties........when I try and tell him how I am "nagging"...am I supposed to sit and watch him balls things up??! He also pennypinches when it's a night out for us and promptly books a day and night out for a stag do (for an aquaintance at best) which will cost him at least 4x what our nights out do!
Men! They are all little boys!
Men are arseholes. Also we take our wonderful lives for granted far too much. Being a great dad is easy when you take respnsibility for nothing else. He needs to grow up and stop resenting the new powers you have in the household.
How did you get to be so enlightened HD??
All of the influences in my life were women. I've also been that resentful child, until I pulled myself together.
I'm great, me.
Had a classic example this morning.
DP looking after DS...gone to Boots...calls me at work...
'In boots what size bottle shall I get' refering to some medicine we needed.
'Hurry because we've got swimming at 12' it's now 1030. I hear him saying to DS 'It's ok sausage daddy won't be long'
Then I say...'as you've got 1.5 hours til swimming nip in to Argos and get DS a bucket and spade for the sandpit....'
DP'TUT and sigh'
Five minutes later....'right in Argos...what shall I get'
I say 'Get the one you think is the best for him'
Another 2 minutes later....'got one but it's got sand moulds...do we need them?'
I say 'you decide...get what you think he'll enjoy'
Half an hour later...test message 'Got a great set...wheel barrow and everything...can't wait to try it later'
Where did my assertive/decisive man go?????? and when did I go from being the apple of his eye like DS alias 'sausage' is to being treated like the villain????????
Colleague passes by 'can I get you a coffee?'
I say 'I'd love one thanks' and console myself that at least at work I can still receive a little human kindness!
I do think that men feel like a fish out of water when babies come along. We also assume that our dp/dws instinctively know what to do.
Poor Dh then, I am the least natural housewife I know!
I'd be pissed off too, you're his wife, not his slave/housekeeper/nanny/mother. Sit him down and tell him he needs to
a) pull his weight. Point out what needs doing and ask him to pick his chores if you think that'll work
b) Take an interest in your joint lives
c) repair his relationship with you
d) stick to his committments re picking up ds
If it doesn't work, can you go to a counsellor?
God they are all the same aren't they. I have only begun to realise just how true the cliche is - that women are multi-taskers and men are just NOT wired up that way. no matter how u might try and train them. I want to be a man! such simple existences.
I'm not as cross today. MIL has had shingles last couple of weeks and FIL has been crap at making sure she eats proper food. I think some of my disappointment with him has carried over to dh, as I am now feeding his family as well by taking soups etc. over.
When I got home from movies, dh had put away washing (usually something I do )and emptied dishwasher and put out the rubbish (stuff he does normally). I realised if I train him to do a new job - like wiping the stove, he will find it impossibly difficult for the first few nights, but then he will wipe it even if it's not been used. He is quite literal.
He used to do all the cooking in the UK because I never got home before 7pm. He's just fallen out of practise.
So I'm going to re-train him to cook, initially one night a week. He can go shopping in his lunch hour and make it that evening. I don't really care if we eat the same meal every week.
One thing his FIL is good at is being romantic. For instance he hasn't been any practical help to MIL with her illness, but he has bought her a bunch of flowers. I usually scoff at such things, because I personally would rather have the house taken care of rather than a bunch of blooms, maybe I should start saying how lovely it is that he shows he loves her, and see if dh takes the hint.
www - he does do chores. It's just we have fallen into always doing the same ones, which bores me rigid. I would like a change every now and then. He's just not flexible like that.
I think the big one is being interested in our joint life. I'm not sure how you go about changing that one.
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