AttilaTheMeerKat

[cocolepew]

I hope this isn't inapropriate, but are you a therapist? I only wondered because you are very quick to help people in bad relationships with their parents.

You are always so level headed and kind,and seem to know what you're talking about.

It's nice that you take time to help.

You can tell me to eff off if I've over stepped the mark.

[roseability]

I have found Attila's posts very helpful also.

[cocolepew]

I have the MIL from hell. DH and I are able to cope with her, but through reading Attilas posts I have been able to identify what is 'wrong' with her IYSWIM?

[HolyGuacamole]

Hear, hear

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

cocolepaw,

Thank you for your kind comments .

In answer to your question am not a therapist but a mum to a DS at a junior school. My counsel re parents and inlaws are based on my own experiences with my own disinterested parents and toxic inlaws. I've learnt a heck of a lot from other posters on here too; I am always learning.

With best wishes

Attila

[pottycock]

sorry to resurrect such an old thread......

I need some advice from ATM, on behalf of someone else who is beginning to realise how unhealthy and controlling his mother is, and how that has led to him being virtually unable to forge relationships with anyone but her throughout his adult life.

She is a very subtle, clever bully - everything she does is dressed up as concern, kindness, selflessness, but she has used this to undermine and destroy his confidence over almost 40 years to make sure she is the absolute epicentre of his world.

He has hidden in drugs for years and is currently trying to come off them , and - right on cue - she has withdrawn contact from him and started writing unpleasant emails to him.

It'd obvious to me that this is because he is doing something positive for himself and that is a threat to her.

I would like to send him a book, or some sort of resource (ho only has sporadic access to internet) where he can read about this, because I expect if he continues she will do the whole 'getting ill' thing before long. I think it will help him to anticipate her behaviour and might be easier for him when she does start getting more difficult (as I and many other people know that she will).

I have googled the toxic parents book you often cite, but lots of resources I see are talking about quite blatant abuse - her form is so much cleverer and subversive. I'd like to send something that's helpful in translating that specific kind of behaviour.

Thanks so much in advance - this is a v quick post as I am dashing out somewhere but I shall be back in / on later. Hope you can help.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi poppycock

A good book on controlling parents is "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Hope this helps your friend.

[onepieceoflollipop]

Attila just wanted to say that you have helped me in the past too. (often indirectly on other people's threads)

Like you I have toxic inlaws (I am fairly certain that I do) and a very difficult relationship with my own parents who are divorced.

Thank you

[queenofdenial2009]

Echo the sheer sensibleness (sp?) and compassion of ATM. A book, which is from the early '90s and may be out of print, is 'When you and your mother can't be friends' by Victoria Secunda. In a former lifetime I worked clinically in mental health and it's a book we used a lot with patients and, on a personal level, it transformed my life.

Good luck to your friend - lots of help online if he will consider posting on sites similar to this.

[onepieceoflollipop]

queen I am interested in that book. Thanks for your post. (sorry if that sounds like I own the thread!)

I currently work clinically in mental health btw

[pottycock]

Thank you - I will get a copy from Amazon and send it to him , and really hope it's of help to him. It's my partner (we are not living together at the moment) and although I think the relationship is over it would be so sad if he lived out the rest of his life the way he has so far, completely cowed by this woman. I will never understand how a parent could want that for their child.

Thanks again.

[pottycock]

I am just reading a bit online about the book, and he mentions 'truth abuse' - have you read this book and could you possibly define what he means by that?

[pottycock]

bump - I bought both books for him (TP and CP), just hoping you can shed some light on the truth stuff?