Man wanting some advice please

[DogDArmour]

I am looking for some advice regarding my wife. I know she has used this site in the past, not sure if she still does.
I'm wondering what to do if I should involve myself in her business or not.
She has been training with karate since before I knew her and has a date set for taking her black belt exam on 7th Jan. She desperately doesn't want to do it. She has suffered illnesses a lot over the past few months and instead of training three times a week as normal she has only been going about once a week. She is stressed out about other stuff, still not fully well and this is getting her down. Reason I'm wondering whether to interfere or not is because her instructor is not sympathetic at all and is really getting on at her. If she doesn't turn up for training he actually phones her up and asks why and has a go at her. She mentioned to him that she didn't feel ready to take this grade and he went off on one saying she was doing it because it was all arranged, they've had to book a venue specifically or something and he's not the one grading her, another bloke is and her instructor keeps telling her how this bloke will get on at her even more than he does.

The grading takes a full day with a theory exam and a full day of physical. I have seen her cry over this but she seems scared of her instructor. She won't tell him and stand up for herself.

I want to phone him (or go around to his house) to tell him to lay off her and to explain how upset she is. I would if it was anyone else making her so upset but the problems are she is very independant and will probably be mortified and embarrassed if I did. Also I don't know how the bloke would react or if it would ruin her relationship with the club (which is something she really wouldn't thank me for). I'd like advice from male and female on this, what can or should I do to help her?

[beanieb]

You need to speak to her before you speak to him.

Simple.

Ask her is she minds you calling him, tell her how you will phrase it and see if she's ok.

Don't just call him behind her back, that would be Wrongness indeed.

[ChestnutsRoastingonanOpenFlier]

can you just ask her if there is anything you can do to help? Tell her that you want to help her and if it would help would she allow you to have a word with the instructor or someone else?

[DogDArmour]

I suggested to her that if I tell him he might believe how genuinly upset she is rather than thinking she's making excuses but she said "no, leave him" because she's scared of his reaction. But I hate seeing her like this, especially when I know its another bloke doing it to her in a way and I'm standing by and letting it happen.

[beanieb]

but she doesn't want you to interfere. It's up to her if she wants to go ahead with the grading. I don't think it would be right for you to speak to the instructor if she has said you shouldn't.

Maybe you need to say to her that you are not prepared to isten to her moaning on about it if she won't say something herself.

[ChestnutsRoastingonanOpenFlier]

I think you need to speak to her again and tell her how worried and helpless you are feeling about her and the situation.

[solidgoldstuffingballs]

Absolutely do NOT go behind her back. Nothing makes an adult woman feel more furious, insulted, petulant and helpless than a man 'taking over' and protecting her from the nasty men out there. She is not your child or your property and it's not up to you to fix this problem.
However, I appreciate it's frustrating to have her going on and on ab out it and yet not fixing it - perhaps tell her that you need to find a slution to the problem now.

[RachelG]

I would suggest that she sees her GP and asks for a sick note to say she's not fit to do the exam. Her instructor can't argue with that. And it means that she can "blame" a 3rd party if her instructor tries to make her feel guilty.

As good as your intentions are, I wouldn't go behind her back though. My Mum used to do that to me all the time (well into adulthood) and it drove me mad.

[Freckle]

I would query why her instructor is so set on her taking this grading. With all martial arts, it is mental strength which is as important as physical strength and he, more than anyone, should know this and understand if she doesn't feel able to take what is a very stringent and demanding exam at the moment.

Also, she should not be scared of her instructor. She should have faith in him and be able to trust him to know her physical and mental limits almost as well as she does. He sounds like a bully who gets off on being able to say that one of his students is a black belt. DS2 is a brown belt at karate and his instructor has never entered him for a grading unless he was 100% ready. Any indication that he was less than 100% and he would have pulled him.

Does the instructor belong to any supervising body? Perhaps you could check out his approach with them. It sounds very unusual to me.

[DogDArmour]

No I have always supported the karate, it means a lot to her. And no trip to Florida? I wish lol I think you may have me confused with someone else realityismyonlydelusion.

I won't go behind her back, thinking about it that will only make things worse but I am going to speak to her again properly when she gets in from work because it can't go on the way it is.

I don't know if the bloke belongs to a supervising body but I will ask her tonight. I don't really know how martial arts works to be honest, I didn't know if it was normal for the instructors to be like this. Thanks for the help.

[HSMM]

Are you sure she's not just nervous about the exam? Talk to her and definitely NOT to him.

[blondemum]

She is you wife and you love her dearly.
If you feel that just "chatting" to her instructor would perhaps ease her stress then so be it. You have her interests at heart. You can tell himn that she is very stressed after speaking with him and that it is worrying you as her husband. If she continues to come home or come off the phone upset then you will have no choice but to lodge an official complaint with the Karate board (or who ever monitors their standards).
Explain that this started out as an an enjoyable hobby keeping her fit and healthy. She no longer enjoys it and she should do. Remain calm and focused when speaking to her instructor.
Yes your wife may be upset, or may not be but at the end of the end of the day there are plently of other karate clubs around. She deserves your intervension. I know some of the other mums on the site say no to intervension but sometimes you have to overstep the mark to help her out. you love her so go with your feelings. good luck. You are a lovely men.
xxxx