Im being eaten up by anger at the moment. Ive had a crap life all in all. Mainly because of abuse from my stepfather. Since i left home ive had to deal with a lot. Especially in the last two years. Ive had horrible things come my way and suffered from depression but ive had to deal with all of it. Now, to the bargain ive had to deal with my mother. Ive felt responsible for her for as long as i can remember. She is an alcoholic. Ive tried to tell her time and time again and she just will not listen to me. She is overweight, drinks too much and smokes too much. Ive just managed in the last few months to drag myself up and make a life for myself again. Its been the struggle from hell but ive done it. Now my mother has been diagnosed with very high blood pressure. (The last person i knew with this went on a drinking spree and died the next day). Its a terrible thing but all i feel is anger. She ruined my childhood because she was too frightened to leave my stepfather and protect me from his abuse. She's ruined everything since as i constantly worry about her. Even though he doesnt hit her anymore and she isnt frightened of him now, she never left him. He ran their business into the ground with his drinking and had many affairs with teenagers along the way. So she bought a house and now she works herself into the ground to keep both of them, he has retired. She is going to kill herself with work and drink and there's sod all i can do about it. Every niggle we've had i've always been the one to apologise even if she is in the wrong because im scared she will hurt herself. When i was younger she once locked herself in the bathroom and shouted to me that she was going to slit her wrists, i was banging on the bathroom door and crying and my stepfather came upstairs and punched me so hard i flew across the landing. Why wont she listen to me? Why wont she help herself? She has told me im so brave for what ive been through and how i've turned out so why cant she help herself? Im so sick of this. I cry but im angry, very angry. She doesnt care that all i have is her, and that the way she is going i will have no-one. Shes f***g selfish. Now ive said it. She's ruined and continues to ruin my life. I love her so much but just cant take this.
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sotiredofthis · 23/03/2005 12:11
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