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Is this healthy?

(14 Posts)
bambi06 Thu 30-Oct-08 09:11:06

Weve been together for 15yrs and all that time .my dh talks more to his mother in a day than he does to me!! [she lives abroad thankfully for me ]he phones her at least once a day plus skpes her three /four times a day.. if his mother says /suggests something then of course it has to be right even though i could have suggested the same thing weeks before and he disagreed..i`ve suggested to him i don think its such a healthy relationship with his mom..he s tied to her apron strings if you know what i mean!! she lays the guilt trip on him and says stuff like `now youve got a family you don t love me anymore and dont care about me..she`s very manipulative and it causes lots of problems between us [i f you ask me shes been trying to split us up from day one and wants him all to herself[only child too ] he denies everything of course and now on top of it all she has announced hse coming to stay fo r4 weeks arrgh [runs to hide] Am i right to think this kind of almost obsessive realationship is not on[even on holiday he calls her several times a day!!] Ive always said to him theres always been three in this realtionship..he tells her everything too about us and does what she says!! he needs to grow up me thinks!!

TwoFoggy Thu 30-Oct-08 09:19:59

I wouldnt tolerate that, I dont have the patience

IF you made him chose whould you lose?

Monkeyblue Thu 30-Oct-08 09:37:33

NO thats not healthy

And he needs to run it past you that she is coming to stay for 4 weeks as he won`t be there all the time

She sounds like a control freakangry

bambi06 Thu 30-Oct-08 13:07:08

i dont have the patience..thats why theres lots of arguements!!!hmm and yes monkeyblue she is a control freak and he`s starting to act tike her...aghh my parents went on holiday with all of us once and my mother says never again and she`s such a tolerant person normally and never has a bad word said about anybody..wish id met my MIL before i married my dh!!! ive threatened to take the kids to my parents for xmas if she s here but he said if i do, thats the end of us..see what a hold she has over him but how do i get that through to him?

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits Thu 30-Oct-08 13:14:14

But you have known this about him for 15 yrs, obviously he is not going to change so its going to be a case of put up or shut up i am afraid, if i were you i would use her visit as an opportunity to get out of the house and catch up with you friends/have some me time, as much as possible, and leave them both to it

TwoFoggy Thu 30-Oct-08 13:50:49

But you have tolerated it for 16 years!

bambi06 Thu 30-Oct-08 17:46:11

i havent tolerated it for 15 years..its got worse and i didnt know everything that was going on but ive come to understand a lot more as the years have gone by ..ive left him twice ..he said hed try and work on the problems but unfortunately it obviously didnt last long but what i need to know is how can i get him to undeerstand how unhealthy this is/ do you think its worth dragging him along to therapy/counselling or while his mother still breathes life will be the same? By the way he says its normal to have such a close relationship with your mother when youre of mediteranean descent !!

QwertyQueen Thu 30-Oct-08 17:54:20

oooooh, reminds me of my MIL,
who pushed it waaaaaaaaaaay too far when I was pregnant and suddenly my DH saw her for who she really was, and she is no longer parts of our lives.
Just rise above it, never make him feel like he needs to choose.
Oh, and steer clear of her! DOnt allow her to draw you into anything...

captainofthemummies Thu 30-Oct-08 17:56:12

4

hmm

TwoFoggy Thu 30-Oct-08 18:26:28

I understand a little better now, it must be really difficult for you. I guess its either you or her? If you put it to him like that will he chose her? If so you have to decide if thats the life you want.

bambi06 Fri 31-Oct-08 09:31:34

He would choose her..thats how tied he is!!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 31-Oct-08 09:48:54

You are married to a man who has a controlling and domineering mother. The fact that she is of Mediterranean descent is frankly irrelevant, controlling people come from all classes and creeds. She has never let him be his own person and will never let him go. He's trapped and he can't see it (that's sad). She has and continues to be abusive to him thus his Mother is always first and foremost in his life.

However, you can see how unhealthy this all is so the choice is yours ultimately. If he chooses her so be it. He would have been the same regardless of whom he married,

Your children as well certainly don't need to learn such unhealthy relationship patterns that are being imparted here.

Its no point dragging him along to family counselling when he sees nothing wrong with his relationship with his Mum. If you want counselling for your own self I would go on your own.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

PortofinoPumpkin Fri 31-Oct-08 10:01:14

Sounds like my Exh. His mother was dreadful. He issued me an ultimatum once after a discussion with her - basically I had to be a "proper" wife and concentrate on looking after him better - or go! I couldn't start packing soon enough! Does your DH make you happy otherwise?

toomanystuffedbears Sat 01-Nov-08 02:26:45

He obviously has no boundaries with his mom. For your own mental health, you do have boundaries with her and , (imho) the maintenance of those boundaries will require some degree of boundaries with your dh. That qualifies your relationship which is sad sad.

So think of yourself, and as Ann Landers or Dear Abby would ask: Are YOU better off with him or without him?

I like V**Stabbedinthetits view. His mom is a babysitter (babysitting him!). Go have some relief/fun.

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