Reality Check needed - am I being horrible to my "d"m

[Wills]

For those that know this will be familar, for those that don't to be brief my "d" mother is extremely needy. She's spent my entire life controlling me and I've finally broken free - phew.

So on with the request. Its dd1's 5th birthday on Wednesday. Tomorrow we are travelling from London to Portsmouth to stay with friends to release tension (for the kids) because dh has a checkup operation on Tuesday to see if this round of chemotherapy has put his bladder cancer back into remission. Both dh and I are tense. On top of this we're all recovering from nasty bugs (I'm on antibs for flu/chest infection - horrible ). We hope to come home Tuesday night so that dd1 can go to school on Wednesday on her birthday (have just spent last 3 hours making cake because I'm some kind of really stupid sadist who likes doing this sort of thing when I have a temp of 39.5 and hacking cough - guilt trip so don't go there had lecture from dh already ).

"d"m has just returned from 10 days in Florida. She wants to have both girls next Saturday. I don't want her to have them because I'm desperate to spend as much time with the girls as possible. Dh feels the same way. dd1's party is Sunday and "d"m has been invited but refused as she's working. When I turn her down she is going to tell me that I'm selfish and am punishing her on purpose. Am I? There is always a small desire to do so but most of me wants to be the adult here as she has never been capable of such a role. Both dd's are going to my dms on Thursday after school but she does not think this is enough.

Should I simply have a stifer lip?

[marialuisa]

Stick to your guns!

[Elf]

I would say do what feels best for you and your family at the moment. It's obviously a tough time. Say no to the old bag. Good luck.

[helsy]

Yep - do what's right for you. Sounds like you have enough going on in your life without that c**p from a parent who should know better. She'll cope. You've invited her to the party, she's seeing them on Thursday. Sounds harsh, but I have the same on a smaller scale. DM tries to ruin special events if she can't be the centre of attention and things aren't done her way - birthdays, anniversaries, even our wedding, ffs.

[serenity]

Just backing you up too!

[WideWebWitch]

NONO NONO NO NO NO NO NO Wills, you are NOT selfish, she is, please just say "no, sorry mum, no can do, you can't have them, oh, I've got to go, something in the oven" and leave it, let her stew.

[WideWebWitch]

Please, she should be supporting you and helping you and not guilt tripping you. But we all know that don't we. Don't listen to any of it and do what you and dh want to do.

[Prufrock]

(I knew this would be you).
Yes you should have a stiffer lip. She is trying to bully you again. YOu must not let her. You are not being unreasonable to want to spend time with your dd's. If she really was that desperate to see them she would rearrange her working shifts - or not have gone on holiday.

You have to carry on being strong Wills. It is so hard, but having taken the first big steps you need to make sure that she doesn't take little, tiny, imperceptable steps to get you back to where she had you before. Don't let her guilt trip you.

[Caligula]

You shouldn't be worrying about this. The very fact that you are shows how bloody unreasonable she is. What an expert in emotional blackmail she sounds - but at least you know she is and can steel yourself against it.