The current economic climate is a factor for me in trying to make failed relationship work - is that wrong?

[BlueSuedeShoes]

Of course you have to love, fancy, respect and trust your partner. My (ex-)partner and I, having been separated for a while and with it being a couple of years since we felt all the above in abundance, are considering reconciliation. The state we'd both be in financially - exacerbated by the current financial crisis - if we fully parted is a big factor for me in giving this a go, and I feel a bit ashamed of that. On a level it feels wrong, but a financially f*cked lone parent life full of money worries in the midst of a recession wouldn't be exactly "right" either - even if it had some kind of integrity about it.

There has been no violence or abuse in the past, and we are seeing a counsellor weekly to explore our stumbling blocks (including infidelity) and the possibility of trying again. Is it wrong for this kind of financially-based practical pragmatism to be a significant factor in trying to make a relationship work, rather than it being all about passion, romance, etc?

[FAQ]

I wouldn't do it personally....

[Anna8888]

No.

Economics are a large part of the rationale for marriage.

[LaDiDaDi]

I don't think it's wrong at all.

Relationships are often not all about pasasion and romance although of course those things are nice. I think that you are being very rational and if you think that trying to reconcile with your partner will give you all a better quality of life then you'd be silly not to try imo with the proviso that if either of you find being together intolerable then you would be prepared to split, even if it does come to that hopefully this period of counselling would help you to do so amicably.

[AMumInScotland]

I think as long as you are working on the relationship, and as you say there are no abuse issues, then there's nothing wrong in practicalities being part of your decision - life is like that when you stop being a teeneager! Passion and romance are only the start of most relationships, and they settle into mor emutual companionship and respect - if you can manage those things, then you may well be just fine.

[solidgoldskullonastick]

As long as both of you feel roughly the same way, I think it's a pretty sound idea. It's only likely to be a problem if one of you is harbouring romantic yearnings about being each other's 'soulmates' because sooner or later the fact that the other partner is taking a more pragmatic view will become the centre of every row: 'Waaah, you don't love me, all I am to you is help with the rent/part of the furniture'.

But if you both like each other and there's no violence or bullying then you have as good a chance as anyone of making it a pleasant life together.

[Cartoose]

I don't think it's wrong. The fact that you are contemplating this means that there must me something there (apart from finances) to save IMO.

[Cartoose]

"be" not "me" of course.

[skiingone]

Is your child from him or is it just your child?

[BlueSuedeShoes]

DS is his child, yes, and witnessed a horrible split, which I would never want him to experience again. There are mental health issues in the mix - his dad's/my ex's - which of course need to be managed, or else it won't be going anywhere. Thanks for posting.

[BlueSuedeShoes]

Cartoose - yes, there is an enduring fondness between ex and I, as well as plenty of niggles and quite a bit of fear it could all go belly-up again. There's also the not-so-small-matter of a very visible, publicly humiliating split to bounce back from. Neither option's at all straightforward, but at least I can feel less guilty about taking the finances into account. Good point, solidgold - thanks.

[skiingone]

You have the right to get back together with him if you think you and your child can handle this. I can understand how difficult it would be a single mum with little support and money. It is a practical issue, I probably would give it a go if I knew it would not mentally or physically harm me or my child. Also you would need to be able to commit to him and forget about looking for a more suitable partner for you if you are going back to your ex. If it's worth it - why not.

[Kally]

Personally I think that the stress of making ends meet is easier than trying to survive in a bad relationship.

Having left a stressful relationship where I knew if I hung in there just a bit longer things would blossom financially (parents in law rich and very very old), I decided to regain sanity.

Lots of people came with stories of doom and gloom and begged me to hold on just a bit longer, 'they won't last forever and you'll feel better when money is in your pockets'. Now? I am a single parent, just lost my job in June, on benefits (which I totally hate) (today I have £1.52 in my purse)... but that sad thought is nothing in comparison to waking up to another day of rows, disagreements, avoiding sex, disapproval, and heavy heavy sighs of 'when will all this end'... No, I stepped out and got my mental equilibrium back... but then that's me

[phantasmagoria]

Hmmmm............ I find this interesting as I am seriously considering separating from my h and one of the things that is holding me back is the fact that I am terrified of what might happen to me and the dcs financially. I have a very unstable, recently established freelance career, and whilst the curve has been upwards in the past three years, it could easily plummet again as the demand for inaccessible, unrepentently arty theatre diminishes even further..........the romantic in me, and the part that yearns to be full of integrity, says GO, but there is a small, Northern, gritty, pragmatic part that tells me to stop being a twat and stay with him. So no advice I'm afraid, just sympathy.

[skiingone]

The sad bit is that pretty much all relationships stop being romantic ( except for some rare lucky ones) with time and mostly what holds people together is some feeling of habit, friendship, fear ( what friends and family will think, that the lifestyle would suffer in case of separation) and children. So you will be doing what a lot of women are doing all the time. It depends on how willing you are to work on that relationship and if you have a feeling that you can stay together long term, and not be tempted to leave if his fiancial situation gets worse or if yours improves.
Would you leave him immediately if he went broke?

[solidgoldskullonastick]

Every relationship is different. What seems to make the ones that work, work is both partners having a similar idea about what is important in the relationship, whether that's sexual exclusivity, being a good parent, living a low-income-but-spontaneous life or having very traditional/utterly non-traditional roles.
Pragmatism is fine as long as neither partner is either desperate for romance from the other partner, or likely to get desperate for it elsewhere.

[findtheriver]

I agree with skiingone - a lot of couples probably stay together out of habit, familiarity, and a fear of taking a step into the unknown. The difference is, you show a good deal of awareness of what you're doing, and are being honest about it.

It sounds as though you have the basis for making things work. I think ultimately there needs to be a deep love, and passion, even if you don't feel that on the surface. If in your heart you know the relationship is dead, then I think you need to be brave and take the plunge. Yes, economically a couple will not be as well off if the split and run two households, but I think you just have to accept that if you decide to split.

But in itself, you are doing nothing wrong by rationally thinking this through and taking steps to make things work.