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DH "pleasuring" himself 4 times a week- no wonder he never wants sex.

(23 Posts)
ratherremainanon Sat 11-Oct-08 09:16:13

Was in the mood last night, as usual DH wasnt but mumbled something about having sex today instead. We had the frequent conversation about why I have to always instigate sex etc and finally he revealed the real reason why he only ever wants sex with me occasionally- hes wanking off about 4 times a week!

I have absolutely no issues with him doing this, its normal and I would never try and stop him. However, getting a bit sick of him having sex with himself as it were, rather than with me! He says its quicker and less hassle just to pleasure himself rather than have sex with me. I can see what he means, after a long day at work and the daily exhaustion that comes with having a dd, it must be easier for him to just whip it out when hes in the shower rather than go through foreplay with me etc.

When I do instigate sex, most of the time, he will "oblige" but I want him to actibely want to him sex with me. He said hes going to try and cut down on all the wanking in the hope he'll want to have more sex with me.

Feel in all my previous relationships I was desired and my partners always wanted to have regular sex with me even though they were pleauring themselves too! In a way I feel cheated, just want to have a sexually satisfing relationship with my own husband.

BBeingpatient Sat 11-Oct-08 09:51:45

its a sad fact seemingly that most men are lazy bAstards...however least youve brought it up

knockedgymnast Sat 11-Oct-08 09:52:14


whomovedmychocolate Sat 11-Oct-08 09:55:32

This post sponsored by Kleenex grin

Seriously - sorry you feel this way - know the feeling, but DH would rather surf the Internet than jump on me

Perhaps you could have quickies more often - jump in the shower with him. Or buy yourself a vibrator and race him!

hecAteTheirBrains Sat 11-Oct-08 09:57:19

He wants to sort himself out without having to do anything for you. It is selfishness on his part, he wants only his own pleasure. Maybe he can't be bothered, or perhaps he feels he can't satisfy you.

You could always buy a huge vibrator and stick it in your top drawer and say well, if you are going to sort yourself out, I will too. It'll be quicker and less hassle than having you fumble around.

Or you could tell him that sex is about more than 'getting off', it is about intimacy, being together, love and expressing that love. Preferring to 'sort himself out' because he can't be bothered to give anything to you, is worrying because of what it might mean for your relationship generally. He doesn't want intimacy, he only wants an orgasm. sad

CaptainFabioHiltsTheCoolerCat Sat 11-Oct-08 10:03:13

I thought, only 4 times a week.....?

But i agree with HEcate (top hallowweeen name!) - he is selfish. Try that attitude elsewhere in life and see how far it gets you.

I only made my dinner because its quicker and less hassle than doing yours as well.
I bought myself some new clothes because it's quicker and less hassle than buying yours as well.
I'm spending a lot of time talking to my friends at work as its quicker and less hassle than talkign to you.

he is taking you for granted

bossykate Sat 11-Oct-08 10:08:59

sorry but it's not wanking 4 times a week that is stopping him wanting to have sex with you, there is some other reason.

ConstanceWearing Sat 11-Oct-08 10:14:28

I am sorry to say I agree with Kate. I'm not sayng he's having an affair, but there is some resistance to intimacy with you on his part, it seems.

Are you particularly dominant in the relationship, outside of the bedroom? (Sorry don't mean to be rude, but resentment can often be a cause of this problem. It's very passive-aggressive behaviour).

TwoPumpkins Sat 11-Oct-08 10:20:26

I thought the more you did it the more you wanted to? Maybe its a myth?

ratherremainanon Sat 11-Oct-08 10:21:58

Oh, I hope its not because he wants to avoid intimacy. I am quite dominant in our marriage, in terms of making decisions etc. He is very laid back and easy going and doesnt concern himself with things like where will we live, where will we go on holiday etc I end up having to make all the decisions, not because I want to but because I have to. Quite frankly, I wish he would sometimes.

He is intimate in other ways, likes hugging me and kissing me, so I do just think he gets so much pleasure from wanking off that its easier for him to do this than have sex with me. Agree its VERY selfish on his part.

darkpunk Sat 11-Oct-08 10:29:28

you could do it for him...even easier... then he'd have both hands free to book the holiday?

jasper Sat 11-Oct-08 11:16:42

agree with Kate

HRHSaintMamazon Sat 11-Oct-08 11:25:42

sorry but i agree too.

there is no limit to how much sperm eh can produce or his willingness to have sex.
In fact research shows thatthe more times you engage in sexual practice (alone or with a partner) the more hormones are released and the more you desire sex.

I think you need a very frank and honest discussion with him as there is clearly more going on than masturbation

HRHSaintMamazon Sat 11-Oct-08 11:27:29

just read your last post.
do you think it may be a Submissive/domination thing?

he may have a fantasy or fetish that he doesn't think you would understand and so he hides it. he may find "ordinary" sex boring and so doesn't enjoy it.

just a thought

hammouhouseofhorror Sat 11-Oct-08 11:28:53

Could you learn the (very pleasurable IMO) art of quickies for general sex life and then have special nights for something more...or offer to help and see where it leads....grin.
Im not sure about the affair idea. I (oh god, here i go again, saying more on Mn than I would in RL!blush) am prone to quite a bit of DIY as me and H are in a strange place and I am not having an affair.
I usually hide in a cupboard at this point until blushing stops.

HRHSaintMamazon Sat 11-Oct-08 12:28:37

don't blush. Ive been single for 4 years. if i didn't DIY i would have healed over!

solidgoldskullonastick Sat 11-Oct-08 12:32:34

I think SaintMamazon has probably, er, put her finger on it (sorry) - in some way sex with you is not quite meeting his needs, which is NOT to say that you are undesirable, more that there is something you and your DH need to talk about. His fantasy might be something that turns you on just as much and sex could improve hugely for both of you.

hammouhouseofhorror Sat 11-Oct-08 13:24:24

Rofl HRHSaintMamazon, (andsolidgold), not embarrassed about doing it, but can't believe I admit to it. Would never do so in RL!!

Ratherremainanon, I would have to say that in my case it has had absolutely nothing to do with not being attracted to H, but it has died a little as his interest in being intimate with me waned. I got frustrated with things not always going the way I wanted even though I am happy to vocalise my needs. Sharing fantasies is a great idea. You might find he is fantasising about you....take it in turns to take the lead, have touch only nights, (always get great sex on those nightsgrin).

luckylady74 Sat 11-Oct-08 16:56:24

What are 'touch only' nights? Passing interest only obviously blush

hammouhouseofhorror Sat 11-Oct-08 17:29:29

Well the idea is that you set out to only touch..massage or whatever....! with the plan that there is no actual sex at the end of it, just intimacy. But it never seems to work out that waywink

solo Sat 11-Oct-08 17:33:36

BBeing, it doesn't sound like the bringing it up is a problem grin...sorry, sorry, couldn't resist that one.

ratherremainanon Sat 11-Oct-08 17:38:19

Well, the chat dh and I had last night might have paid off because he got home this afternoon and whisked me off to the bedroom. Heres hoping it continues!
Thanks for all the advice.

solo Sat 11-Oct-08 17:47:41

Lucky girl!!!

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