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crushes and flirting as part of a long term relationship(5 Posts)
so, i'm curious how other people deal with sexual attractions outside their long term relationship. does the boost to your ego/libido feed back positively into your sex life with your partner? or do you find it detrimental to your relationship - idolising your pash, finding your partner boring etc. ? is it something you do all the time and consider harmless, or do you restrain yourself for fear of causing harm?
bit of background: i've been with my partner 16 years, since we were both 18 (now we have 2 young kids). he wasn't my first boyfriend, but i didn't exactly get to sow my oats as much as i may have liked . i regularly have some crush or other, generally cos i'm feeling a bit frisky and home in on the nearest likely candidate . i hasten to add my crush (if someone real life rather than a pop star etc lol i sound like i'm 14 ) would never know about it.
i don't flirt as such but i do find i often get attracted to people if i'm working closely with them, again (i hope!) they'd never realise this.
i tend to enjoy this as a harmless fantasy but i'm always aware i'm walking a rather fine line - if for example my crush were detected or worse reciprocated i don't know how trustworthy i actually am ( as a teenager i wasn't exactly faithful, although i have been faithful in my current relationship, save the odd snog many years ago ).
i'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life right now and i'm likely to be starting new and exciting things (which makes me frisky to start with) and also meeting new and exciting people... should i just get on with it as part of the fun of life or do i need to get a grip and grow up?
namechanger but not troll, i'm genuinely curious how other people handle this kind of thing as it must be really really common, but not something i really see discussed much.
In my case having a crush on someone (which is really more like a fantasy because I didn't really know him, he had one or two attractive things and the rest I could project on to him) was damaging to my relationship because it meant I was somehow more detached and not as in to dh as I should have been. Dh and I are having real problems at the moment - not because of the crush which was nothing really, but I think if I was more interested in dh in general, things would be better. Can't give any advice really but that's my experience. I'm sure crushes are totally normal and very common though.
Crushes can dissipate and become anodyne when you talk to girlfriends about them in the same way you did as teenagers. One of my children's teachers was the pash of half the class mums and he never had to beg for a lift on trip day! It was a joke and a giggle. I suppose crushes are bound to happen to lots of people but secrets are very damaging. I used to joke to my dh that he wasn't allowed to come to parents' evening as he would get in the way. But I made sure dh could never think anything of it, otherwise I would have stopped straight away.
Absolutely fine if they stay firmly in your head. I've had lots of crushes but I know that's what they are and I never discuss them with anyone so I don't run the risk of making them seem even remotely real. They are harmless little daydreams which get me through scraping poo off places where poo ought not to be and cooking fish fingers for the billionth time!! If they last too long or are a major escape from relationship problems then yes, it's an issue. TBH I don't have the time with two little kids to have a real affair anyway and I look a bit skanky anyway from lack of sleep and time to groom so doubt anyone I would want would want me - <<sighs wistfully>>]
It sounds like you might be in slightly riskier territory if you are about to enter a new arena. Perhaps you need to explore ways to spice up your marriage, go to Relate (you don't have to be in a crisis to go to them).
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