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Any advice ?

18 replies

happyfaceschildcare · 04/10/2008 14:10

I split up with my abusive ex over a year ago my dd has never had any relationship with him he never wanted a girl, already had 2 boys from previous who he worships and always put her down and belittled her I finally got the courage to leave when his abuse became worse towards her and violent towards me she has never wanted to see him since we split up but being intimidated by him I used to feel she should go cos he is her father but she makes herself ill over it and cries for days before going and when she comes home she says he has been moaning at her, she only ever goes for a few hours once a month but she really doesn't want to and I hate seeing her so upset she has always been my life and always will be today she maid herself so upset I told him she wouldn't be coming and he became very abusive again threatening me with all sorts and is now saying he is going to go to court and get a court order for her to go to him and stay over once a month she has not stopped sobbing what can I do she is nearly 9 years old has anyone been in a similar situation ? would the court allow him to do this as he has such abusive tendancies ? we are divorced already on the reasons of unreasonable behaviour where he has signed the papers to agree that he was violent towards me and abusive to my dd so the court would have this on record, I would never stop her seeing him if that was what she wanted but she really doesn't want to go I know I really need to go and see a solicitor but can't really afford one.

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mumoverseas · 04/10/2008 14:33

hi happyfaceschildcare, so sorry to read about your problems and hope I can offer some practical advice.
If your DD does not want to go then please do not force her as that is the worst thing you can do. You will have to explain to your ex that she is upset and doesn't want to go.
The only course of action he has if he doesn't accept your (and your DD's) decision, is to make an application in the County Court for a Contact Order. If he makes such an application you would normally receive notice of a first court appointment approximately 8 to 12 weeks after he makes the application (if varies from court to court depending how busy they are as childrens says tend to be only once a week). At that first court appointment (you do not take your DD) you and your ex will talk to the CAFCASS officer (formerly called the court welfare officer) an officer appointed by the court to attempt to resolve issues between you. You and your ex will both go into the meeting (without solicitors even if you have instructed them) with the CAFCASS officer and your ex will no doubt rant and rave about you refusing him contact. You will then get your opportunity to explain why you are refusing contact. It is often quite common for agreements to be made for interim contact whilst with the CAFCASS officer but in your case it sounds unlikely. You would therefore then go before the District Judge (with solicitors if you have them) and you would again explain your reasoning. It is highly unlikely given what you've said that the Judge would order that there be unsupervised contact at this time although it may be agreed/ordered that there should be supervised contact if appropriate. This could either be supervised by a family member or friend or perhaps at a contact centre. What is likely to happen then is that the District Judge will order the CAFCASS officer to prepare a detailed report into your case. He/she will normally visit you at home (possibly on your own and with your DD) and will meet with your ex. Sometimes, it is considered appropriate for the child involved to be interviewed but given your daughters age it is borderline whether they would However, given what you have said about her being so upset, she may well be talked to informally. The report is usually ordered to be prepared and filed at court (and served on both you and your ex) within about 12 weeeks but invariably it takes much longer due to a shortage of CAFCASS officers.
Please do not worry about being bullied into agreeing to contact if you are not happy with it. Usually the reasons for the divorce do not come into it but if he has previous for being abusive and violent it will of course come up. I would advise you to keep a diary from now on of any incidents and try to document any other previous incidents that you can so that you can provide this to the Court should you need to.

Good luck x