DH and I have been out, on our own, a total of 2 times since DD was born 10.5 months ago.
I asked him at the start of the week if he wanted to go out one night this weekend, he said yes that sounds like a good idea. So I said great I will ask mum which night she is free and we can arrange it from there.
Anyway mum was free to babysit tonight, I have been looking forward to this all week . DH comes home from work and he is in a foul mood (he tends to do this when we are supposed to be going out just the 2 of us)
I ask him if he is okay and I ask how work has been, he barley speaks 2 words to me before he is off banging about in the kitchen.
I decide to ignore him banging about and go and start to get ready to go out, I come downstairs all dolled up ready to go and I have a lovely new black top on. he doesn't even look up, never mind saying that I look nice.
Now I new from the moment that he walked in that he didn't want to go out, so I was kinda upset. So I say to him, in an effort to get any fucking response from him' that I'm not really bothered about going out.
And he says oh okay then , but I suppose I got a response at least
So I go to ring mum to tell her not to bother coming but she is already on the way. She can see I am upset, he can see I am upset, he doesn't give a flying fuck.
I may as well be married to my brother for all our fucking relationship is worth to him.
He makes no effort to talk to me, he makes no effort to make me feel wanted, he makes me feel like I am in his way all the time, like I am the means to an end for him.
Oh I tell a lie, if he wants sex then I am the most amazing person ever and he will not leave me alone.
Tonight I have felt more unloved than ever, more hated than ever, I have felt fucking suicidal, I have thought about running away and never coming back again (He wouldn't notice) I have felt such violence well up inside me I have scared myself.
And now I feel exhausted.
I want to die, but I don't want to leave my beautiful, wonderful, loving DD. She is my life, my strength, my whole being. If it weren't for DD I think I would have done it by now
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No need to reply...Just getting this out so I can remember how he nhas made me feel tonight.
21 replies
DustyTv · 03/10/2008 20:30
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