Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

No need to reply...Just getting this out so I can remember how he nhas made me feel tonight.

(22 Posts)
DustyTv Fri 03-Oct-08 20:30:15

DH and I have been out, on our own, a total of 2 times since DD was born 10.5 months ago.

I asked him at the start of the week if he wanted to go out one night this weekend, he said yes that sounds like a good idea. So I said great I will ask mum which night she is free and we can arrange it from there.

Anyway mum was free to babysit tonight, I have been looking forward to this all week <sad arse emoticon>. DH comes home from work and he is in a foul mood (he tends to do this when we are supposed to be going out just the 2 of us)

I ask him if he is okay and I ask how work has been, he barley speaks 2 words to me before he is off banging about in the kitchen. angry

I decide to ignore him banging about and go and start to get ready to go out, I come downstairs all dolled up ready to go and I have a lovely new black top on. he doesn't even look up, never mind saying that I look nice.

Now I new from the moment that he walked in that he didn't want to go out, so I was kinda upset. So I say to him, in an effort to get any fucking response from him' that I'm not really bothered about going out.

And he says oh okay then angry sad, but I suppose I got a response at least hmm

So I go to ring mum to tell her not to bother coming but she is already on the way. She can see I am upset, he can see I am upset, he doesn't give a flying fuck.

I may as well be married to my brother for all our fucking relationship is worth to him.

He makes no effort to talk to me, he makes no effort to make me feel wanted, he makes me feel like I am in his way all the time, like I am the means to an end for him.
Oh I tell a lie, if he wants sex then I am the most amazing person ever and he will not leave me alone.

Tonight I have felt more unloved than ever, more hated than ever, I have felt fucking suicidal, I have thought about running away and never coming back again (He wouldn't notice) I have felt such violence well up inside me I have scared myself.

And now I feel exhausted.

I want to die, but I don't want to leave my beautiful, wonderful, loving DD. She is my life, my strength, my whole being. If it weren't for DD I think I would have done it by now sad

Jazzicatz Fri 03-Oct-08 20:33:36

I just wanted to send you [[[[[[[[[Hugs]]]]]]]]] and to say that we are here if you want/need to let out the frustration.

charliechew Fri 03-Oct-08 20:36:12

Hope you are ok. Bollocks to him. Men are on a different planet,believe me. Just concentrate on your DD.

ilovetochat Fri 03-Oct-08 20:38:29

you know what i'd do in the situation, thank mom for babysitting and go out to the cinema on your own and enjoy the peace/rest. i know you wanted a night out with dh but take the break anyway and make him wonder what he is missing out on.

Hassled Fri 03-Oct-08 20:42:04

Could you/would you show him your post? He needs to know how you're feeling - what he does with that information will at least help you move on.

WhirlingStirling Fri 03-Oct-08 20:50:06

Men can be so fecking selfish - I am angry for you angry

Dont suppose now you are all dolled up one of your friends could go out with you?? Or even go with your Mum to the cinema?

wonderstuff Fri 03-Oct-08 20:54:25

((hugs)) How was your relationship before DD? I think Whirlings idea is great

solidgoldbrass Fri 03-Oct-08 20:54:59

GOing out by yourself (or with a friend) would be a good idea. IF your DH is the sulky type, it's best not to pander to his sulks: treat sulkers like toddlers (ie either distract, or if that doesn't work, ignore).

DustyTv Fri 03-Oct-08 21:00:44

Thank you. My mum stayed to give DD her bath and to put her to bed, she has gone home now. I am tucked up in bed with the lap top and a fucking cup of soup as opposed to the curry I should be eating in a lovely resturant with wine etc sad

He doesn't love me, I know he doesn't, I don't think he knows it yet though sad He would have come out if I still went out but it would have been cos he had to not cos he wanted to.

He doesn't want to spend any time with me on my own and it makes me feel inhuman. Like all I am here for is to look after DD, the house and to give him sex when he wants it.

Other than that he is a wonderful person. I am seeing all this in a new light tonight.

Funny how something so small has shed so much light on how I am a fucking horrible person who doesn't deserve to be loved.

He is now acting like everything is hunky-fucking-dory.

DustyTv Fri 03-Oct-08 21:02:02

Before DD our relationship was great (I feel so bad for saying that sad)

Dropdeadfred Fri 03-Oct-08 21:04:11

why are you still with him...I don't mean that flippantly, but you said you felt suicidal but wouldn't because of dd...why not just leave him?

DustyTv Fri 03-Oct-08 21:09:59

TBH I want to go, but I am scared. If he would talk to me and listen when I try to talk to him I think things would be okay.

I need him to listen to me when I talk to him, I need his to understand that although he may not agree with how I am feeling, those feelings are still genuine and I am still feeling them.

he always says to me, talk to me, and when I try he just says no, your wrong, what your feeling is wrong. So now I don't talk to him.

Hassled Fri 03-Oct-08 21:14:46

That refusing to acknowledge that your feelings are valid ("you've got it all wrong", etc) is really controlling. You don't sound like "a fucking horrible person who doesn't deserve to be loved" in any way at all to me - you sound like a good, caring nice person who is deeply unhappy. It's not that he's right and you're wrong - you're entitled to feel however you want. It doesn't make you a bad person. If he won't listen to you, would he read a letter from you? That may be easier to get everything out.

WhirlingStirling Fri 03-Oct-08 21:26:56

"Funny how something so small has shed so much light on how I am a fucking horrible person who doesn't deserve to be loved."

Surely you dont believe this?? I know it is hard for us to judge but you sound like a nice and decent person who wants the best for their dd, but also wants to be loved and treated nicely.

If your dh can't even be bothered to take you on a much needed night out together then he has the problem not you. Does he go out on his own?? Or is he just the sort to be happy at home all the time.

I would withold the sex aswell.

DustyTv Fri 03-Oct-08 21:33:18

lol sex is well and truly on hold wink

Yes he goes out on his own with his friends etc, no I don't as I need to be here for DD. He doesn't go out often and in the mean time he is happy just to sit at home with a takeaway and a film, as am I. But just now and again I would love for him to take me out and actually want to take me out IYSWIM.

Thanks all I'm going to read my book and fall asleep now.

ivykaty44 Fri 03-Oct-08 21:41:09

Then sweety you need to tell him that you want him to take you out and treat you as you are special.

What you did though was tell him you wern't bothered about going out, that is not going to work - communication needs to be better to get where you want.

"It would be really nice if we could go out tonight and I will be sad if we dont but I will not make a fuss"

Isn't that more like the truth - you need to talk to him straight.

Cos I think he still does love you sad

mumoverseas Sat 04-Oct-08 07:22:58

Dusty, so sorry to read what a pig your DH has been. Haven't you got any friends to go out with? say stuff him and go out and have a good girls night out.
That is a short term solution however, as said above, you really need to communicate to him how you feel. You know what men are like, half the time they have absolutely no idea there is anything wrong! I'm sure he still loves you, and its quite common for things to deteriorate a little after children as obviously you have less time together and are tired. Please try to talk to him and arrange a night out for YOU. Good luck

Cappuccino Sat 04-Oct-08 07:36:39

"So I say to him, in an effort to get any fucking response from him' that I'm not really bothered about going out."

why play these kinds of games? you are just letting him treat you like this. He didn't want to go out, so you let him get out of it. And it was you who got hurt. Why open the door to more of his indifference by saying something like this?

if you want something and he is being an arse, why don't you say "Look, I'm really looking forward to going out. You're obviously in a bad mood - can we make an effort to be nice to one another this evening"

because he can always say 'well, you said you didn't want to go out either' and your reply is what? "Well I didn't mean that, I only said that because..." - it's not an adult way to communicate

don't play games with him, tell him what you feel. If he denies your feelings then yes, he is an arse. But don't deny them yourself.

Buda Sat 04-Oct-08 07:38:33

Have you thought about Relate? Would he go?

macdoodle Sat 04-Oct-08 10:31:23

Excellent post cappuccino

maxybrown Mon 06-Oct-08 13:30:07

Hi, after being in a shitty relationship for ten years, never doing anything, being ignored for days on end (unless sex is involved, me feeling miserable and crting non stop etc etc etc, I left. It was the hardest thing I ever did but am a better person (and a happier one!) for it today.
I lived 300 miles away from all my family but it had to be done.

Please do not waste your life, or your DD's. You and her are the most important people.

I had no children when I left said partner, but it was still difficult after 10 years. It is emotional abuse, and it is NEVER worth it. I have a baby now with my wonderful DH, but if he ever turned out like that too, I would go. I know it sounds so easy and I KNOW that it isn't, but you are a long time dead, and as your daughter gets older she too will pick up on it. Be strong, it never matters what other people think either.

maxybrown Mon 06-Oct-08 13:31:09

Oh and by the way, since my DS was born 13 months ago, we haven't been out at all!!!! Ha ha ha. But we are happy, so that's what makes it all ok. Think about yourself and DD

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now