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What Do I do? Help, Help, Help.

(24 Posts)
BelleDuJour Fri 19-Sep-08 22:30:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elastamum Fri 19-Sep-08 22:32:52

Next time he does this take his car keys away and throw them in a ditch or shop him to the police angry

MadameCastafiore Fri 19-Sep-08 22:34:11

Have you seen the thread about the little boy killed outside the school - next time he does it and you do not report him and he has an accident and hurts an innocent person on your head be it.

Seriously - you have a duty to everyone else out ther to pick the phone up and call the police next time he gets behind the wheel drunk - if that is what it would take I would do it in a heartbeat.

If he has an accident and hurts or kills someone your life will change immensly anyway - you will be shunned, your family will hate him as will most other people as it is socially unaccepatble and you are letting him do this by not reporting him.

BelleDuJour Fri 19-Sep-08 23:18:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

controlfreakinfreaky Fri 19-Sep-08 23:22:17

really? hmm

BelleDuJour Fri 19-Sep-08 23:29:49

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kidcrazylady Sat 20-Sep-08 01:54:57

Sometimes we have to do things that hurt in order to save the ones we love... this is the perfect example. Don't back out!

mumoverseas Sat 20-Sep-08 07:20:55

very brave of you Belledujour. A very difficult decision but no doubt you've thought this through long and hard. And could you really live with yourself if he had an accident and killed or injured someone. I was a police officer for 7 years and sadly saw very many accidents caused by drink driving.
Only thing you need to consider is what his reaction would be if he found out you'd reported him. Have you suggested counselling to him regarding this?

Good luck to you in a very difficult situation.

MadameCastafiore Sat 20-Sep-08 11:06:50

Really glad you are going to do this - I really hope you do.

Just imagine being the woman on the front of the daily mail whose snivelling face is looking out at everyone whilst supporting her husband in court where he is charged with killing 3 innocent little children when he mowed into them at a bus stop whilst pissed - and your publicised comment being - 'Oooooohhhhh I knew he did it but I love him' - would be pathetic wouldn't it!

NotDoingTheHousework Sat 20-Sep-08 11:17:44

Message withdrawn

CarGirl Sat 20-Sep-08 11:29:37

Dh's cousin was killed when a van mounted a (very high) curb and ploughed into his aunt and 2 young children.

This was the days before routine breathalising but there seems little else tht could have caused it.

HappyWoman Sat 20-Sep-08 11:52:57

I think what you are suggesting is a good idea - turning a blind eye to something that could potentially destroy lives is no defence.

But i do think you need to tell your dh what you are doing - give him the chance to make amends of his own accord. He obviously does not take your threat of leaving seriously (but then as you dont either it is no wonder).

clam Sat 20-Sep-08 18:42:49

I think I would tell him that you WILL DO THIS, if he EVER does this again, including if you're there offering to drive and he elbows you out the way. DO NOT get into the car with him. Spell out to him what this will mean for him if he loses his licence - job/no company ever insuring him etc... Wonderful man or not, it seems that the threat of killing or injuring his family or someone else's is no deterrent. Maybe the prospect of it hitting his pocket will hurt.

hecate Sat 20-Sep-08 18:59:05

I think you need to tell him that you have alerted the police. He needs to know this. It might make him realise just how strongly you feel about it.

BelleDuJour Sun 21-Sep-08 17:04:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hecate Sun 21-Sep-08 17:35:58

Because he truly believes he's a great driver and that he is not affected by alcohol and that nothing will ever happen to him and that he will never cause an accident because he's got such great driving skills and response times and everything. Accidents are things that happen to other people, people who aren't as good drivers as he is.

People like him don't drink and drive thinking anything will happen (hell, they probably don't think at all!) they do it thinking oh, it's only one or two, it's no big deal, I can handle it, nothing will happen, it's a country lane, I won't get caught...

BelleDuJour Sun 21-Sep-08 19:40:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

controlfreakinfreaky Sun 21-Sep-08 20:38:08

maybe he's a sociopath.

Bink Sun 21-Sep-08 20:44:20

Sounds as if the issue is really about how alcohol affects him - so that, while he is responsible (if a wee bit arrogant) etc. etc. sober, alcohol releases a buried seriously irresponsible (beyond arrogant) part of him.

Would he consider going to an AA meeting or two? Not in order to define himself as an alcoholic (as that's a separate issue, and not perhaps one you & he are dealing with), but to think a bit deeper about what alcohol does to him, with people who are often amazing articulate - and revelatory - about it?

rubyloopy Mon 22-Sep-08 09:53:38

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missingtheaction Mon 22-Sep-08 10:02:02

Alcohol reduces your ability to make sensible decisions. So when he has had too many his brain just doesn't click in the way it does when he is sober - whatever his past experiences. It is NOT about him being consciously selfish, it's more like him reverting to being a toddler. Rational arguments won't work.

Getting him stopped a few times will definitely help (he will associate driving with being stopped by the police!) BUT having an Advance Plan will help even more. Its great that he normally calls a taxi - some trigger says 'had too many must get taxi'. Maybe you can work on extending this some way - if he can't get a taxi immediately is there another number he can call? can he call you? could you go and pick him up?

Shrieking at him when he's sober will help a bit but you will need a pretty smart plan that is drunk-proof.

BelleDuJour Mon 22-Sep-08 14:45:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleDuJour Mon 22-Sep-08 14:48:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

physicsgirl Mon 22-Sep-08 23:56:34

Always feel a bit weird posting to strangers... but a few things that may be worth thinking about...
After the initial ban, was he ordered to do
the driving rehabilitation course?
They teach about metabolism of alcohol, facts about senses slowing down under the influence, responsibility etc.
It usually has a big impact because they do it with other convicted drivers which helps
them develop a sense of perspective.
Meeting a person who's hurt someone bings home the trauma caused.These group things really seem to help so maybe he could register even though his conviction was a while ago...
Rather than leave him for this behaviour, can you get him to sacrifice the car (like toddler discipline - you can't look after it, then you don't get to use it!)?
He clearly has problems with drinking though, even if not an alcoholic as such.
Are there any other things you can involve him in to help him let his hair down? Massive long walks? Swimming? It sounds like he lets his stress build up and then lets it all go at once catastrophically.

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