Friend- what do you think?

[girlsnextdoor]

Best friend of over 25 years- is on the verge of divorce and has been for years. We have talked for hours over it, but she has now had counseling for a while and tends not to confide in me so much as she says it confuses her- the counsellor is very directive, not impartial, and I tend to disagree with her at times.

anyway- they have had major upsets this weekend and I called her to try to see how she was. She said they have agreed to have a separation , but then
she basically stonewalled me- said it was because she feels upset- but I know that before we next talk she will have talked to someone else over it.

I asked her if it was because I tend to speak my mind- I don't always think she is in the right! - and she said not.

would you feel hurt? I feel she is keeping me at arms length and will only talk when it suits her- I know I have to respect that, but it does seem hurtful.

what would you feel?

[CarGirl]

I would be relieved that she was making her own decisions and not relying on me to give her advice all the time!

[Spellcheck]

I'm in her position and I'm finding it hard to deal with. Sometimes I want to digest the latest setback in my life before talking to someone close about it, or speak to someone not so close for a more disinterested opinion.
I know this hurts my friends but I have to get through this in my own way. I know that my real friends are there for me no matter what, and that is so good to know. However, one or two of them always give an opinion instead of just listening, which isn't always helpful! And sometimes I'm too ashamed of my crap life to just want to talk about it to my friends all the time.
Don't be offended by this, just keep being a good, kind friend and she will love you for ever!

[hecate]

I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want to talk about her problems only when it suits her. You can't be forced to open up! Sometimes you just don't feel like talking.

I think a friend is someone who is there for you when you want to talk and there for you when you don't. And respects both.

[lulumama]

agree with hecate

as long as she knows she has your support, that is enough for now

the hurt and pain she must be experiencing will be awful and feeling obliged to share it is not a good thing

she will open up as and when she is ready

[Ambi]

I too agree with hecate, support her in her decisions and only give advice when asked. Perhaps in this tough time she's having maybe going out for some fun will help.

[girlsnextdoor]

thanks- I know that all you have said is true- but it doesn't stop me feeling unwanted!

[hecate]

I know, but you have to tell yourself that this is not about you, it's about her. Take a step back and put her first.

And one other thing - friends don't always want you to 'speak your mind', sometimes they want and need tea and sympathy, even if they've done the most stupid thing in the world. A good friend knows when to tell it like it is, and when to nod quietly and offer an absorbant shoulder. If you think people are avoiding leaning on you because you are too blunt, perhaps you need to think about changing a bit, sometimes?

[MaryBS]

I'm with Hecate. Be a listener for her if you can.

[girlsnextdoor]

Thanks- I know all of that.

I think the problem here is that my friend is often very blunt with me- when I offload she gives solutions, and is incredibly outspoken, which I don't really want some of the time- I am not asking for advice, as you rightly point out, - therefore I tend to do the same with her. I am nowhere near as blunt with her as she is with me, and I often keep things back as I know she will disapprove- so I can see what you are saying!

The thing is, when you have been friends with someone for almost 30 years, you both behave in a certain way and it is hard to suddenly change, without actually saying that you are going to, iyswim.