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When should I tell DS about his abusive father?

5 replies

Alambil · 12/09/2008 01:08

I can't get my head around this...

he asked if I was ever married the other day; we were talking about Grandma and Grampa being married and me their child - that's why we all have the same name.

So DS doesn't know his father, doesn't know he's "meant" to have one in his life and is more than happy without.

But, I feel he should know what happened; age appropriately of course.

He's nearly 6. We escaped DV when he was 6m old. I can't bear to talk about it; he's still affected in ways he doesn't realise the origin, but I am working on them and they are improving.

So when do I tell him? WHAT, more importantly do I tell him? How on earth do you tell a 6yr old his father hurt him as a baby, beat his mother and doesn't care that he's even alive....

he doesn't get gifts (birthday, xmas) and I don't get maintenance; the "man" literally has NO place in our lives. I don't even know where he lives.

OP posts:

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AnnVan · 12/09/2008 01:19

Gosh Lewis it sounds tough. No experience of this myself so I should probably leave it to someone with experience to answer.
I'd hazard a guess that maybe for the time being just let him understand that his father was not a nice man, without giving details. Just so it's not too much of a shock when you do reveal more.

Like I say though, no experience here, though.

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Alexa808 · 12/09/2008 04:00

A girl I grew up with lived with her Mum. When asked where her Dad was she used to say that he didn't like kids and her mother loved her so much they decided to move and do everything together without him. As we grew older her Mum confided in mine that there was DV and abuse and she left when her girl was barely 3.

Best not to tell your DS too much for now as his little heart can't hold it in. I think it's fair to say: Dad didn't treat us very well so we had to move on. Don't say: your Dad was nasty and vile, etc. as that ciould make your little boy guilty thinking half of him is nasty, IYSWIM.

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AnnVan · 12/09/2008 08:41

Alexa - you worded that far better than I didn

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cocolepew · 12/09/2008 08:56

Could you say that you both weren't happy when you lived with Daddy and because you wanted your DS to always be happy you and Daddy decided to live apart.

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Alambil · 12/09/2008 12:22

The thing is, DS really doesn't know he's got a "dad". He hasn't - he has a sperm donor but that's by the by!

I can't bring myself to call him "dad" or anything to DS as I don't want him obsessing about it all

Could I say something along the lines of (because he's asking where babies come from) - the man that helped mummy's seed grow into you wasn't very nice so we had to leave him....

then answer questions if they arise?

I don't know - it's so difficult to get my head around

He is so well adjusted, normal and secure that I don't want to ruin it by giving him ideas that we're missing out on this "daddy" figure because we aren't.