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how to be supermum and superlover?

(9 Posts)
kabamama Tue 22-Feb-05 12:32:21

Hello,
From discussions I have with my baby-friends it seems to be very common for the relationship with dh to change considerably after arrival of ds or dd.

I've read oodles of books on how to bring up a baby, but haven't come across any that help you maintain the relationship with dh while simultaneously being supermum. Anyone have any recommendations?

Big thanks

bundle Tue 22-Feb-05 12:36:34

imo you cannot (indeed should not) be super anything, because if you do there's nothing left for yourself..however, once your baby is well established in sleeping/eating etc then it's a good idea to get a babysitter regularly and give you both a break/something else to talk about. if you are the main carer, get dh to have some special time on his own with baby and do something for you, it's essential for sanity..

beansprout Tue 22-Feb-05 12:38:56

K - do you have any kids yet? If so, how are you finding it?

My basic problems are:
- lack of sleep
- a knackered body shape
- hormones which make me focus on ds much more than they do dp

Our relationship is good though. We keep talking. I try to remember that how I feel is not his fault and it isn't ok for me to take it out on him (remember this most but not all of the time!).
He, in turn, totally appreciates what I am doing for ds and places his needs above his own. This means he doesn't feel pushed out, although we both admit to missing parts of our old relationship.

I think the key for us is that I am NOT supposed to be super woman - mum and wife/partner. Dp does loads of stuff and is patient with me. I can't do it all, ie give both ds and dp what they need. It has to come from dp as well. Does that makes sense? Am a bit sleep deprived at the moment!!!

jessicasmummy Tue 22-Feb-05 12:38:58

agree with bundle.... get things established and take time out for "couple" things.... hence this wekend while staying in a hotel because of the move, my dad is having jessica and dh is takign me for a meal!

MistressMary Tue 22-Feb-05 12:40:39

So when you be supermum,lover,dishwasher,laundy woman,cook then what?

beansontoast Tue 22-Feb-05 12:43:35

snap beansprout!

motherinferior Tue 22-Feb-05 12:52:47

I actually think you have to accept that your relationship takes a complete bloody knocking in the first months of your baby's life. Of course it does - there's a new person around. You have to regroup and reconsider, while dealing with lack of sleep, hormones, and other lovely things.

Most of us get through it. I'm not meaning to sound overly brisk, just that this has been my experience, and the experience of lots of my friends, with both my babies.

Time out vg idea, if you can manage it. Also time for you, though, and time with your other friends.

And, obviously, ditch the supermum idea. I've never met one. I've met lots of lovely caring imaginative loving mums, though, and that's about the top that I'm aiming for.

handlemecarefully Tue 22-Feb-05 12:58:36

Supermum and superlover - I think they are mutually exclusive

kabamama Wed 23-Feb-05 23:21:20

Thank you all so much for your advice and support! Sorry I've not been able to respond until now, I was in the middle of typing a reply yesterday lunchtime but dh arrived home unexpectedly and I had to abandon message!

Beansprout - I should have given more details....ds is 11 months and I very much relate to your situation. Absolutely loving being a mum (definitely NOT supermum bundle) but finding the shift in the relationship with dh difficult to get used to. It always used to be effortless, but now it seems that we have to work at it. I'm not complaining, just looking for ways to occasionally get back some of the sparkle - am I hoping too much?!
Good to hear that things do get better motherinferior! If I achieve just one of lovely, caring, imaginative and loving I'll be happy

Have arranged night out with dh next week - hurrah! Have a great weekend jessicasmummy....and everyone else too!

Thanks again.

K

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