When do you know when your marriage is over....

[concerned]

I have been with hubby now for 5 yrs, have a 2.75 yr old ds. It is really silly because I do not know if I still love my husband. He has not done anything wrong in particular, I know that marriages have ups and downs, but it seems to have been down a lot more than up lately.

He is a good man, he does housework, helps out with ds when possible.

I find myself picking rows with him just so that I can go off and have some time out. Little things that he has always done are really starting to annoy me. Today it really wound me up that he was eating with his mouth open and making noises. I seem to be picking on his unfairly.

We used to be a cuddly couple, but i cant stand it when he touches me at the moment.

He seems to think that everything is okay.

I do not have/fancy anyone else.

My sister has ds often to give us time together, but i just do not like spending time with him at the moment.

I am so confused because he has not done anything wrong. I feel as though I am stuck.

I personally do not believe in staying toegther just for the sake of ds, am i being unfair to dh, does anyone else feel like this, and has recovered from this. I need your advice because I feel so sad at the moment

[Sam29]

Oh honey, I do feel for you. I think you are far from alone in having "gone off" your dh for what feels like no reason. I know i have gone through patches where my dh just has to breathe "wrong" for me to be at breaking point with him. Does yours know how you are feeling? Are there any other stresses in your life at the moment - work, family etc? Do you feel able to take time out generally or does it only happen when you pick a row as you say? Perhaps you could establish some regular time for just you where you could go and do something you enjoy (which will have a positive effect on you in itself) and stop you picking rows in order to have that time?
When me and dh went through last rough patch we phoned Relate and booked ourselves an appointment. Needless to say, like the doctors, by the time the appointment came around we were sorted again but I think it helped to at least plan to do something to help us move on from the negativity and arguing stage and that if things hadn't improved on their own we would have some help and light at the end of the tunnel.
Talk to him, take some time for yourself and make yourself see at least one positive thing in him every day, sounds trite but it is a start!
Good luck, let us know how you get on.......

[arabella2]

Help! I read this thread at the wrong time - my dh has just called me a "silly cow" (for reasons too "silly" to go into) and at times like this I would walk out of the door (which is what I told him, and he told me he would hold the door open for me!!!). Sorry to be facetious, but I too go through patches where I really wonder why on earth myself and dh got together. As Sam29 says, I think it really really helps to do things for yourself - today I went to the gym and was actually away from home for 3 hours and that way I have a lot more perspective on things. Still dh and I have always had a tempestuous relationship and in a way I think I've just got to weather the storms because until now there have always been sunnier times afterwards. My dh makes noise eating as well which also annoys me (reminds me of my Dad who also does that), but I find it annoys me more when I am unhappy or tired. Maybe you need a break from your dh (even in the form of doing things by yourself regularly), which will help rekindle the cuddliness. Have you felt like this before? I know how sad you feel, I've felt like that before, but today for example, I don't, so I think it CAN be a passing feeling.
Hope you feel better soon.

[concerned]

It has just got so much worse.

I couldn't find the TV guide and thought i had last seen DH with it, i asked where it was and he said all shitty 'I don't know', about 2 minutes later I found it in the front room (where I last had it), he went mad and knocked the table over, narrowly missing my foot, when he realized he missed me, I called him a pratt, he then slapped me hard on the arm 3 times, having only a vest top on, it really hurt.

I am not defending my dh is any way, I just want to give you all the clear picture. I have/am suffering from depression and not an easy person to live with, I get moody, and argumentative especially now as i am due on, we often have arguments which get physical. It is normally 50/50 on who starts it.

When we are not rowing, i actually love him very much and he makes me so happy, but no for ages now.

Ds is always asleep or away when these things occur, but I am scared that one day we will witness something.

Normally my dh is not a violent man, he just doesn't cope well with my depression. I have suggested councelling, but he won't even hear of it.

Any advice from wise ones.

[Chinchilla]

ks - your posting sounded very wise to me! Can't add any more 'concerned', but you could go to counselling on your own. It is a fantastic way to get things off your chest to someone who is paid to listen. Friends are all very well, but they always have opinions. Counsellors are merely there to try to help you help yourself. Good luck.

[Sam29]

Concerned, am concerned myself now you have said things get physical from time to time. I don't care if it comes from one or both of you, the fact is that as a bloke he will inevitably be stronger than you and occasional violence almost always escalates rather than going away on it's own. You MUST do something to tackle this before your little one picks up on the vibes even if never witnessing the fights. It is not your fault if he finds your depression "difficult", marriage is not supposed to be an endless bed of roses, you need support not abuse! Please talk to your doctor and either get some medication or change whatever you are on that may not be working for you. Let him know that you do not want your relationship to have any violence in it from either of you and if he will not tackle the issue in partnership with you then I agree with the others that counselling for you will at least give you a space to vent angry feelings and share how you are feeling. please don't think this is your fault alone.

[concerned]

Just to update, things have got much better as far as the rows are concerned. I know my depression can be a problem, i do not feel particuarly depressed at the moment, just a bit down. Today is valentines day, he got me a card and a rose, and all i wanted was him to go to work. I am so down torn between staying and making it good again (if thats possible) or cuting my loses and leaving.