Can someone help clear my head...

[MUMDONEGOOD]

Ok need help to clear head- after seven years ex asks to move in a few months ago as homeless. Take him in and dd really happy. Everything ok for first four months. He keeps telling everyone including me we are not back together. However, starts talking about our family needing exercise and takes me and dd swimming. Goes mad one day when cant get hold of me (was ill in morning, but went out with male friend in afternoon). Cancels friends and storms in on me and male friend, nothing going on he is a family friend. When friend leaves asks me whether he doesnt have any other friends why is he always contacting me. Wants to have sex but no kissing. Then starts acting really strange disappearing every weekend (after saying wants to contact porn contacts)watched porn all the time on computer. Now found out was living with girlfriend and not male friend as stated before. GF came back from holiday at around the time he started acting strangely. Question - why the big tantrum about my male friend and why pretend we are a family again. When he first moved in it was supposed to be as friends only but then he started acting as though he wanted to get back together although saying something else. Threw him out after finding out he lied about staying with male friend. haven't seen him since and both me and dd missing him.

[Jazzicatz]

Sounds to me like you both need to assert some boundaries into this relationship which you are both happy with.

[twinsetandpearls]

You are well rid tbh, this is why exes should never move back in.

[MUMDONEGOOD]

When I try to put boundaries down we end up arguing. I took him in because I thought he was really homeless and was quite distant in the beginning but then he started to talk about being a family and wanting to 'fool around with me'. I suppose I fell for it.

[Jazzicatz]

Well the boundaries have to be talked through by both of you - it sounds as though you are both unsure about what your 'relationship' is now about!

[MUMDONEGOOD]

Thats true Jazzicatz. Before he moved in for about seven months he sent me pictures of himself if you know what I mean. He is supposed to be wanting to get married to gf or is getting married. I am totally confused about everything. I guess he won't be in touch now because this is the second time I have asked him to leave, although I am 40 I dont understand relationships etc. I never had the guidance. All I was taught was that you need a man around to survive and thats how I feel.

[Lemontart]

It is entirely possible to miss and love someone totally unsuitable for us unfortunately. It must make it even more horribly complicated and unfair when these same emotions are being felt by your DD. Personally I think that the sad missing him feelings you are both having now is much easier than continuing any further emotional rollercoaster and hurt if you allowed the pattern to repeat over and over.
For both of you, I hope you all find a way to move on and stay well away from him. His lying and behaviour you have stated above shows little regard or respect for you and your DD. Unlikely that part will change and everyone deserves a little respect, trust and honesty.

[MUMDONEGOOD]

You are right LT, I did mention that to him that he has no respect for me. I think he blames me for getting pregnant, he already had a daughter from a previous marriage. I was a bit naive, I got pregnant whilst on the pill, I didnt know that by being sick the pill was not effective. I told him I was on the pill so now he's saying its my fault that I got pregnant and maybe he is feeling I trapped him but I didn't. It was a shock to me too. I hadnt even thought of a baby.

[Jazzicatz]

He sounds very immature tbh - but you do have your dd together and therefore for her benefit need to work out how you are going to continue your 'relationship'. This is not always easy with people who do not communicate but you need to be the assertive one and tell him that for the benefit od your dd that you need to discuss how you will manage for the futute.

[MUMDONEGOOD]

I think he is 44. Not even sure about that. Should I be texting him or should I be leaving it to him. He rang dd for a few seconds last Thursday saying he needs to change the days he sees her. Before he moved in he would come for an hour on a weekday and an hour on Saturday. He would have breakfast with us on the Saturday and dinner on the Tuesday. I don't think I could do that anymore, so don't really know what to arrange. Never contributes financially, even for dd birthday presents i would buy and he would promise to give me the money but never did. How when you treat someone so well can they not want to stay. I dont understand. To top it all, his mum is visiting tomorrow.

[Jazzicatz]

I would contact him and say that this has gone on for long enough and that you both need to come to an arrangement with regard to dd. That is not unreasonable at all imho.

[Kally]

Sounds to me like you are doing all the giving and he is just loving taking it all. Everyone here says 'bounderies' which you have to sit down with a pen and paper and decide what they are. Then stick to them. You'll never make a clean break and find someone worthwhile with him in the background calling all the shots.

First step in gaining respect is to respect yourself. Once you do this he'll be easier to handle and you'll have those defining lines that tells you, 'this is on, this is NOT on'.

It can be confusing when you think you still have feelings for someone, but tbh, the nit about 'wants sex, but no kissing' said it all for me, he's just using you. You'll always be his 'fall back on' unless you move on. He is OUT so keep him out.

[MUMDONEGOOD]

Wish I was as strong as all of you. I know what I want from a relationship but don't know why I keep giving in to him. Maybe because he is my dd dad and also the fact that he used to help me out a lot with moving etc.

[Jazzicatz]

Its not easy when you have been in a relationship with someone and have children together but for everyone it will be better if you know what the situation is rather than this constant second guessing.