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Notes to Myself

(22 Posts)
TheDevilWearsPrimark Tue 19-Aug-08 13:17:28

This is just a small extract of my diaries I kept whilst in an abusive relationship. I never saw them as a 'whole', just as small isolated incidents, which were always reasoned and explained at the time.

It's only after I've cleanly broken away I can see the behaviour in a clear light.

I just hope it can help someone.

"No chance of that relaxing bath. The second I got in and picked up my magazine DD woke up and X yelled that she needed her nappy changed. Yet again he says he's scared to change her as she has nappy rash. I hastily showered off and ended up in bed with her to settle her back down. I could have stayed there all night. Why would I rather sleep squashed in a single bed than in bed with my husband?"

"Another shit day as a result of a shit morning. X's flight was at 7am which meant I had to be up to make coffee and order his cab. The only plus was I dashed out for pastries before he left so we had a nice breakfast without having to drag x and x out of the house. This dutiful wife thing is wearing thin, is this normal?"

"Tonight I should have gone out to X's gig. I'd hoped to settle x and x early but they had other plans. By the time they were asleep I was too tired and I hadn't had time to shower. I decided it was more trouble than it's worth and enjoyed my six feet under boxset and a big bottle of fanta in bed. So pissed off that X thinks his work day ends the second he gets home"

"One of the worst nights of my life. I can't put my feelings into words. X came home and the look on his face scared me to the bone. He demanded that I put the children into their rooms, when I refused he did it himself , I'll never forget the alarmed look on their faces. I'll hate him forever for that.
He yelled and yelled. I ended up blocking out what he was saying. He was angry that there were toys all over the house, angry that his workshirts were still in the wash, angry for god knows what else. I told him to go out and calm down. He's still gone. I'm going to curl up in bed with the DC I just hope he can find his way to the sofa if he ever gets in"

"More of this shit. He was angry that I was on the phone when he came in, and the washing up hadn't been done. He pulled the cord from the wall as I was on the phone to my mum. I feel sick. I now have to lie to her and make up an excuse. She will be worried sick. He's taken my mobile too. Oh, and more shouting in front of the children. I'm trying not to cry but it's bloody hard. I ask myself why I'm still here. I can't answer"

TheDevilWearsPrimark Tue 19-Aug-08 13:23:02

Shit I meant to namechange for this.

Jazzicatz Tue 19-Aug-08 13:26:42

Thank you for feeling that you could share that with others who may be going through the same thing. Its incredible the effect that knowing others have gone through and survived abuse can have. Well done.

NormaStanleyBelcher Tue 19-Aug-08 13:26:51

You can always have it pulled and repost it with a name change smile

Your diary entries are very sad

I hope you are in a much better place now

NormaStanleyBelcher Tue 19-Aug-08 13:27:55

Oh and, what Jazzi said

possiblymaybe Tue 19-Aug-08 13:27:58

Oh I's so glas you managed to break free..

I was lurking on your threads while being in an abusive relationship myself (with a very similar man to your ex).

I can relate so much to extracts from your diary, the knot in your stomach, saying and doing htings just to appease him and prevebt from shouting in front of our child.

I'm free as well now. I hate him for what he has put me through but have to be civil for sake of my dd.

So happy you out of this relationship

x

possiblymaybe Tue 19-Aug-08 13:29:39

don't regret not changing your name it's good to know you managed to get out

TheDevilWearsPrimark Tue 19-Aug-08 13:30:12

I think I'll leave it.

The only reason I'd namechange would be for fear of him reading it, but it'd just be home truths.

possiblymaybe Tue 19-Aug-08 13:30:22

glas glad

Iklboo Tue 19-Aug-08 13:31:25

Glad you're free - there's no way o9n the planet I'd have put up with that crap for so long. I hope your future is incredibly happy and you and your DCs have all you can wish for

Also hope that the abusive twunt you were/are married to gets infected piles, incurable thrush, toe nakil fungal infection, chronic halitosis and alopaecia

all at the same time

possiblymaybe Tue 19-Aug-08 13:32:16

I's I'm ffs

orangina Tue 19-Aug-08 13:33:42

So glad you are free of all of this. I hope you don't feel threatened by him at all, despite not being together. Does he have access to the dc? Do you have to see him? Do you feel safe?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Tue 19-Aug-08 13:38:59

"Another 'shit day at work' apparantly. I'm so angry, this had been arranged for ages. I was so looking forward to a girly meal and drinks out. Now I'm all dressed up and no place to go. And my eye make up is ruined from crying. He slyly took my purse from my bag so I have no choice.
X and x are fast asleep and have been since 7. I don't understand him.

I've just been told that make up makes me look even more ugly and I shouldn't wear dresses. Thanks a fucking lot. I just know all my friends would reassure me I look gorgeous, I know I do. If I could ever see them. Another early night then."

TheDevilWearsPrimark Tue 19-Aug-08 13:40:24

Orangina he did see them but it all went horribly wrong. Now he only sees them when he's with his mother.

I'm forseeing a nasty court case tbh.

warthog Tue 19-Aug-08 13:52:52

i've been following your threads for a while and i'm so glad you've left him. how are you doing now?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Tue 19-Aug-08 13:57:10

I'm great thanks for asking.

But I didn't intend this thread to be about me.

more just warning signs that others might have brushed under the carpet, as I did.

I'm still living in our house. He's paying the mortgage until a legal arrangement is in place. I'm loving living life on my own terms.

The DC barely ask for him. He's made his bed I guess.

cyteen Tue 19-Aug-08 13:58:22

I know you didn't intend for this to be about you, but can I just say how glad I am that you are away from this loathsome, spineless wanker

orangina Tue 19-Aug-08 14:15:24

Oh god TDWP, I am so glad you are out of this horribly abusive relationship. Glad also that his mother is around when he sees the dc. Is his mother understanding of your position or does she think that xH can do no wrong?

It's so difficult to believe that he was able to make you feel so bad about yourself, I'm staggered. So glad you are feeling great, really hope the legal battle isn't too grim, have you got a shit hot lawyer? He sounds the sort of person who will play every dirty trick he can....

TheCrackFox Tue 19-Aug-08 14:36:46

TDWP - just wanted to say well done for leaving that arsehole. Your diary entries, I'm sure, will ring bells for some MNers.

youcannotbeserious Tue 19-Aug-08 14:40:05

TDWP... I'm glad you didn't namechange.

It means more knowing that what you are saying is so truthful. Knowing you got out of it. Knowing you mean every word you say.

YCBS x

orangina Tue 19-Aug-08 14:48:22

Sorry, am thick. Shouldn't have asked such specific questions. blush

funnypeculiar Tue 19-Aug-08 14:51:17

TDWP - thanks for posting this. Bloody well done you for being brave enough to move on.
And good luck to anyone else reading this and wondering what to do.

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