This is just a small extract of my diaries I kept whilst in an abusive relationship. I never saw them as a 'whole', just as small isolated incidents, which were always reasoned and explained at the time.
It's only after I've cleanly broken away I can see the behaviour in a clear light.
I just hope it can help someone.
"No chance of that relaxing bath. The second I got in and picked up my magazine DD woke up and X yelled that she needed her nappy changed. Yet again he says he's scared to change her as she has nappy rash. I hastily showered off and ended up in bed with her to settle her back down. I could have stayed there all night. Why would I rather sleep squashed in a single bed than in bed with my husband?"
"Another shit day as a result of a shit morning. X's flight was at 7am which meant I had to be up to make coffee and order his cab. The only plus was I dashed out for pastries before he left so we had a nice breakfast without having to drag x and x out of the house. This dutiful wife thing is wearing thin, is this normal?"
"Tonight I should have gone out to X's gig. I'd hoped to settle x and x early but they had other plans. By the time they were asleep I was too tired and I hadn't had time to shower. I decided it was more trouble than it's worth and enjoyed my six feet under boxset and a big bottle of fanta in bed. So pissed off that X thinks his work day ends the second he gets home"
"One of the worst nights of my life. I can't put my feelings into words. X came home and the look on his face scared me to the bone. He demanded that I put the children into their rooms, when I refused he did it himself , I'll never forget the alarmed look on their faces. I'll hate him forever for that. He yelled and yelled. I ended up blocking out what he was saying. He was angry that there were toys all over the house, angry that his workshirts were still in the wash, angry for god knows what else. I told him to go out and calm down. He's still gone. I'm going to curl up in bed with the DC I just hope he can find his way to the sofa if he ever gets in"
"More of this shit. He was angry that I was on the phone when he came in, and the washing up hadn't been done. He pulled the cord from the wall as I was on the phone to my mum. I feel sick. I now have to lie to her and make up an excuse. She will be worried sick. He's taken my mobile too. Oh, and more shouting in front of the children. I'm trying not to cry but it's bloody hard. I ask myself why I'm still here. I can't answer"
Thank you for feeling that you could share that with others who may be going through the same thing. Its incredible the effect that knowing others have gone through and survived abuse can have. Well done.
"Another 'shit day at work' apparantly. I'm so angry, this had been arranged for ages. I was so looking forward to a girly meal and drinks out. Now I'm all dressed up and no place to go. And my eye make up is ruined from crying. He slyly took my purse from my bag so I have no choice. X and x are fast asleep and have been since 7. I don't understand him.
I've just been told that make up makes me look even more ugly and I shouldn't wear dresses. Thanks a fucking lot. I just know all my friends would reassure me I look gorgeous, I know I do. If I could ever see them. Another early night then."
Oh god TDWP, I am so glad you are out of this horribly abusive relationship. Glad also that his mother is around when he sees the dc. Is his mother understanding of your position or does she think that xH can do no wrong?
It's so difficult to believe that he was able to make you feel so bad about yourself, I'm staggered. So glad you are feeling great, really hope the legal battle isn't too grim, have you got a shit hot lawyer? He sounds the sort of person who will play every dirty trick he can....