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I really don't like the way I'm feeling...

(6 Posts)
Flossam Tue 15-Feb-05 21:50:24

Dp's sister is going to have her baby in the next few weeks. Dp's parents were unhappy that we were expecting, and even less so about her's (younger, only been with boyfriend a month). They came round as soon as DS was born, and were really excited, came up weekend after, she cried when she saw DS, phone calls, got broadband and webcam installed so they could see DS frequently etc. Now no phone calls - DP calls her. We wanted to go down a few weeks ago, but despite having 5 bedrooms, apparently they were busy decorating (as they were in december, when we wanted to stay, too), so no go. The web cam has been used once since xmas. They haven't seen DS since a few weeks before xmas. We asked if we could stay in April when my DB is getting married nearby. She said she would be too busy with DP's sister and baby (they might be staying there). With SIL baby due not long now, they won't be seeing DS before then.

She brought DS a teddy bear and some clothes when he was born. DP sister (I'll call her SIL for ease) does not work and is living in a council flat with her DP who does work. PIL have been round and decorated the house for her, kitted her out with loads of stuff and brought her everything she needs for baby. Now I know we're not really stuggling as she is but I do feel that this might be setting a precedent for DS. We do have to go without stuff and do everything on a budget. DS was not planned and we had no savings. I have struggled to keep hold of as much money as I can so I can afford to provide for DS and hopefully have some extra time off.

SIL is basically in this situation because she has always been spoilt (youngest child, only girl). She has not made any attempt to find any job during this pregnancy, hard maybe, but there is always temping? I know pregnancy is the last time you feel like working but at the same time knowing you have a baby to provide for must surely spurr you on?

So come on, tell me how awful I am being feeling like she is being spoilt all over again and that us and DS are being neglected. As the title says I hate feeling like this, but I feel DS is going to be second best. And he's too lovely! They should be on a level pegging? My mum thinks that mum's always feel stronger towards their daughters baby than their sons. Is that true? Why am I being an awful green eyed monster? And why does it actually matter to me? My DM is besotted with DS and is a lovely grandma. Shouldn't that be enough?

kid Tue 15-Feb-05 21:59:34

I can understand how you feel. I am quick to compare in-laws behaviour towards DD, DS and BIL's DS. Sometimes I think there is favouritism there but I try not to worry about it (easier said than done I know) All I can do, is make sure I can make my children happy and not let them see how I am feeling. If I was in your position, I'd ignore them. I'd make alternative arrangements so I could still go to the wedding and not stay with them.

Probably not much help, but just letting you know you are not alone in how you are feeling.

Gobbledigook Tue 15-Feb-05 21:59:59

IME Flossam, girls are favoured and yes, Mothers seem to favour their daughters kids over their sons. My MIL never shuts up about her granddaughter - only child of her daughter and 3 yrs old and to me (though it may be in my imagine) not nearly as interested in my 3 boys (aged between 5 months and almost 4). She harps on constantly about how she's 'as good as gold' - well for God's sake, she's an only child and spoilt rotten - she doesn't have to share anything so of course, there are no arguments in her house! In mine on the other hand there are always squabbles about who sits in what chair etc etc.

I think girls clothes are just way more interesting too as she buys buckets for granddaughter and nothing for mine (though actually I'm glad about this as her taste sucks ). When I was pg with ds2 and ds3 and we visited she'd be holding up outfits and saying 'hopefully you'll be buying these soon' so I could almost feel the pity when ds2 and ds3 arrived.

I could be being grossly unfair here but I think you are right that generally mothers are going to be more into their daughters' offspring than sons AND even more so if said daughter has a girl not a boy.

I WON'T be like that!!!

BTW - sounds like your SIL is a spoilt brat too but try and let it wash over you - it sounds like when all said and done you are in a much nicer position than she is so who cares about your MIL - thank your lucky stars for your gorgeous ds

kid Tue 15-Feb-05 22:03:06

What about my parents. Who would you think was the favourite as they have 3 girls? (But only one grandaughter out of 6 granchildren!).

Also, I didn't realise other kids argued about what chair they were sitting in, I thought that was just mine!

goreousgirl Tue 15-Feb-05 22:04:18

There is something about dd babies - it's a bummer but true. It may be by the time her baby comes, they'll feel strange about that too? Maybe you're 'coping' on the outside too well. Do they live somewhere you could go for the day instead of a sleep-over? Maybe you could just 'turn up'?

You're not wrong to feel like this - it's really hard and I don't think anyone can blame you for your feelings. Great that you do have your mum though - thank goodness for her!

Good luck!

Flossam Tue 15-Feb-05 22:26:38

Thank you! Goobildegook, your last statement has cheered me up a bit! HIs parents have always been odd, DP sees this and has said he is a bit dissapointed with howmuch effore they have put in. Like you say I know DS is lovely, so I suppose it is only them who is missing out. If in years to come it is so obvious that I think DS will notice it, then I suppose would be the time to try and tactfully say something. I don't want him to feel overlooked.

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