post baby sex, insecurity needs some womenly advice

[SimonTheDad]

basically i need some advice re sex after a baby. we had a hard pregnancy with morning sickness and were very stressed, we lost a baby before quite late so we did not have sex during the pregnancy due to worry. we have been together for 3.5 years btw.

for around 5 months after the baby was born we did not have sex either, as dp body needs time to recover and we were frankly so exhuasted. baby is not and never has slept well. since then we have sex mabye 4-5 times.

first few times was tricky, baby woke. last time was around 2 months back and she had nice orgasm and we both felt very close afterwards. problem is, i have a high sex drive and 2 months without sex is too long. also and more recently i worry that maybe she does not find me attractive anymore, intimacy seems to have gone from us. /okay, we hold hands, we pet each other, we kiss with tongues maybe 1-2 a day but only briefly. /she says she is exhuasted which i can well believe, but even so i feel insecure and not particularly loved.

i am right to feel this way or should i just be patient and think positive? i have tried to talk about our relationship with her but she just wants light conversation and says i am being ´heavy´. i avoid talking about sex as i do not want to but pressure on her.

women pleasee help a man in love but feeling like his partner is drifting away.

[lilacbloom]

Flatter her, tell her how nice she looks, help her with the house work (because you live their too) and the baby after you come home from work, the quicker it gets done, the more time you both have to relax. Have a think is anything worrying your partner, Money? (this is goign to sound weird) are you budgeting well, with low debt, believe me worry about money will turn you straight off. Do you get up with the baby too. Why don't you both sit down and talk straight ... not argue, but open and honest talking about what you want your life to be like and how you can both achieve this. You are not a stupid man, talk to her and help her then she will be less tired and more inclined.

[SimonTheDad]

i have tried all of that lilac? money is not an issue, i hired a cleaner to help with house chores, i flatter her constantly, i have said to her, i will massage you but i do not want you to feel it is an attempt at sex i just want to do something nice for you.. been doing that for a week or so now. ah yeah, we are on holiday too atm with baby.

i dunno i am lost, she just has zero libido, i bought some vibrators for her around 3 months back, she used them twice and does not find the sex as satisfy as when we have sex she said, but.....

[SimonTheDad]

she still loves you, you just have to get used to coming second for a little while

^



i hope so as i am lost in love and have been since we met.

[scorpio1]

Also, i find with looking after children all day, breastfeeding and everything, that the last thing i want at the end of the day is someone else demanding my body or time. I need at least an hour with no-one touching me, lol.

All other things, like cooking for her, running her a bat hetc are very good ideas, and will show her you love her and care about her tiredness. It is exhausting doing this day in day out.

[SimonTheDad]

you bought your DP vibrators ??

did she ask for them ?

i would have been mightily pissed off with my husband if he had done that.

yeah we discussed it beforehand

[MerlinsBeard]

My poor DP hasn't had sex since i found i was PG with DS3 in JUNE LAST YEAR!!! After a m/c i didn't want sex to "jinx" things, DS3 is now 5.5 months old and although DP feels frustrated i still don't want sex. I am home with 3 children all day long, i am washing ironing and all tehrest of it. i don't get time to myself, even when i am asleep as DS3 still feeds (breastfed) many times in the night. The last thing i want is to expend any energy, i have none and i just want sleep!

I don't feel particularly sexy in any case and i wont do 'that' in front of DS3 who still shares our room

[Bluebutterfly]

Hi Simon - here is a female perspective for you - you asked! [grin}

When I had ds I was totally overwhelmed.I was, of course, permanently sleep deprived and exhausted. My body was all out of shape and I felt ugly and Mumsy. My very lovely dh was very kind, told me I was beautiful, that I was doing a good job all the right things. But pyschologically I felt transformed and a bit at sea. My baby needed me so badly and that was both all-consuming and scary. My hormones were completey awry - my body (including my boobs) belonged to my child (literally for 9 months and then as its main source of nourishment for another year). For me, it was hard to reconcile that functionality of my body with my own sexuality - which got lost a bit in the post baby first year in all honesty. The thing is (and it may sound like a cliche, but I really do mean it) NONE of this was about my feelings of attraction to my dh. It was not just about exhaustion. It was about my own identity which took a bit of a battering in tthe first year of my ds's life.

So, continue to be kind, to be patient, I am sure that your wife loves you. She may feel that as the other adult in the family, you can cope with taking a back seat for a few months. Without pressure, her libido will return when she is absolutely ready and eager to get back to business.

I know from experience. Dh and I are happily fulfilled in that department these days - and ds sleeps throught the night, every night. But he is 3. That first year was hard though - for me and for dh. And that is fairly normal, I think.

[Bluebutterfly]

Mmm - bad spelling and grammar, sorry to those easily offended.

[lisabartandmaggie]

Absolutely superb post bluebutterfly. Baby no. 1 is a steep steep learning curve. I can't think of anything else in life like it.
But it should all come good again in time.

[Bluebutterfly]

TheHedge - sorry, I agree and disagree. I agree that he should be doing it, yes.

But I disagree that we should not congratulate him. He should also be congratulated because a) he is a new father and the whole dynamic shift is tough for both parents b) we all like a bit of acknowledgement that we are doing the right things, even when they are the things we should be doing, including us mothers, so we should understand that.

[CJMommy]

I think he should be congratulated because so many men don't and won't take responsibility for what they SHOULD be doing. Women often get congratulated for 'how well they cope with the baby' etc so why should't dads get a bit of praise too??

I'm lucky as my DH has been so supportive/understanding/caring etc since DS was born and I always tell him how well I think he is coping with the changes that happen when you have a baby.

Praise needs to be in both directions and you should never take anything for granted, so, well done Simon, you sound like a lovely chap. Things will get better, it just needs to be at your wife's pace and when she is truely ready.

[CJMommy]

sorry, 'truly' oops!

[orangehead]

Because unfortunely there are alot of guys who dont do even half of those things, like my ex husband. Also it is hard for dads too and not understanding what the new mum is going through it can be very upsetting to why the relationship has changed some guys put to much pressure on, some think sod you and stay away with their mates as much as possible. Of course all guys should be understanding, complement their partners and help out but alot dont and it isnt always easy to do espeacially if you feeling a bit rejected.
I think bluebutterfly is right, it does take time. But you will get there. In the meantime carry on supporting here, showing you love her and helping her

[2point4kids]

Simon, I agree with all the others really.

She is exhausted and most likely completely overwhelmed with how her life has changed at the same time.

How old is your baby now?

I had my 2nd baby nearly 6 months ago and the following is what I would say is the ideal way a partner could help me get back on track with feeling more 'myself'

Talk to her. Not in the context of how you feel or what you think you are missing out on, but more along the lines of.. 'I know being a Mum in the first few months is one of the hardest jobs out there, you are doing fantastically well and I'm really proud of you, but what more can I do to help?'
and offer her the chance to go out and have an evening with you (you arrange babysitters, book restaurant etc yourself), a night out with her friends, a day to herself to just rest and sleep if she is too tired to face a night out (while you take baby out for the day), or even a pamper session/massage etc at local beauty place to relax here.
Perhaps if you can, offer to take a day's holiday off worl to spend with her and your baby and tell her that she is to sit on the sofa and read magazines and drink tea while you do all the baby stuff and house stuff and chat at the same time.
Even get a babysitter in the day and take her out shopping, make a day of it and have lunch out and get her new clothes that fit and make up etc so she feels better about herself.

Maybe she'd hate all of those and prefer something else, but talk to her and see what she thinks would be nice. Then do it and keep on being thoughful. She will feel herself again soon enough and then everything else (including your sex life) will get back on track too in its own good time.

Final thing to remember - the more you appear to be nagging or moaning about lack of sex, the less she will want it!!

[jesuswhatnext]

simon - i think 2point4 anf THW make REALLY good points

i also think that you sound a lovely chap, just have a little more paitence and i,m sure things will get back to normal, something else i would like to point out is that the way you behave now is laying the ground work for many happy years ahead, you are treating your dp kindly, lovingly and with gentleness when she is at a very vunarerable (sp) time in her life - you may find yourself in need of her to act the same for you one day! i promise she will remember your actions now!

btw - as for it being a long time between making love, i,m sure you could 'sort yourself out' ahem (don't believe i just wrote that to a young father, that was a bit of 'ohhh young man' moment)

[AnnasBananas]

If your DW is breastfeeding then that will lower her libido as does general tiredness and also PND (I think we all have this for a while in greater or lesser degrees) ... probably natures way of telling her body not to make any more babies as she already has a little one to feed. That was indeed my experience. While I totally still found DH attractive etc I couldn't kick-start my mojo at all, it wasn't until I stopped b/feeding and my cycles settled down did I start to feel like myself and feel interested in sex again. I think it's common for most women just the amount of time it takes varies. it's also hard for us to switch between mummy-mode and sexy-mode although with time it does become easier.

All I can say is (keep) being patient and understanding it will go back to normal in time. your lives have changed completely and her body has gone through a lot of changes etc it takes time to feel like yourself again. Perhaps she feels self-conscious about weight gain or body shape changing. Good luck you sound like an understanding soul.

[SimonTheDad]

i just skimmed the posts.. time is pressed here as we are on holiday.. but thanks everyone.. i feel better and stronger to deal with the situation now. praise is always welcome even if not entirely deserved i am sure she will derive the benefit of you advice in terms of less presure and more understanding so she thanks you too.

Also, baby is now 13 months, she breast fed until 11 months and hormones ahve gone crazy post weaning. not easy time for her i know. more massage, less pawing.

[SimonTheDad]

so.. thought i would update a bit.. we are still on holiday have been for around 3.5 weeks now in brasil and have another 9 days to go.

Basically i have been trying to follow advice, lots of massage, we had a nice hot spa, plan to pay for a chinese massage for her in the next days, nice meals out. I did suggest that she sleep in a separate hotel room for a night to clock 8 hours solid sleep but she felt a bit scared to do it, so i just got a horror film affect and lots of hugging that night.

The fact is though, that we are both pretty exhuasted most of the time. Travelling with a 1.1 year old is so so tiring, especially with one that is a poor night sleeper.

So, we have found time for some more kissing, some relaxing etc, but despite a suitcase with 5 pieces of lingerie we have not managed a sexual activity. I am beginning to think that it was unrealistic to expect anything like that on holiday with our little one.

Advice here has been helpful, i do now feel loved as does she. Would it be terrible to go through a 4.3 week vacation without sex, my feeling is that its been pretty hard. If we were 4 months into our relationship we might be able to squeeze it in during one of her 45 minute daytime naps, but frankly eating, relaxing seems more vital.

nm, thanks again for advice.