How do I handle this situation with my mum?!

[Fastasleep]

Sorry if this is really long but here goes!

The basic history is that my mum has a severe alcohol problem, she's been getting very drunk every night for at least 6 years now. She becomes well...crazy after even a few glasses of wine... It seemed to get worse when I ran away and was put in foster care when I was 12 so have always blamed myself and she has always blamed me too!

I got married at the age of 16 and moved out on the same day, she refused to say goodbye and just gave me a cold stare as I left. I didn't call her until I discovered I was pregnant two months later . After my son was born she would call every night, usually at 6 so that she could hear every little thing about Theo's life... Every now and again she would call later and she would be utterly pi$$ed...she called me all sorts fo things - fat, lazy, stupid... a satanist, a whore, a prostitute, anything she could lay her hands on and she would always back it up with 10 minutes worth of reasons...I could handle that... but one day in early October of last year she called and told me that because I had changed Theo to formula after 9 months of purely expressing breastmilk (hell!) that I was a bad mother and that I was physically harming him and that i wasn't fit to have children.

I basically blew my top and hung the phone up. I then emailed her telling her that I wanted no more contact with her until she had joined an AA group or was having some kind of therapy, I even sent her lists of local AA groups .... She never called back or wrote or emailed ...

Last month my DH persuaded me to invite her (via email) to Theo's 1st birthday party... as it draws closer and closer to the date I'm beginning to get very stressed and I have no idea how to handle the situation...I want it to be a really fun day ...

The really sad thing is that I'm 17..I live 250 miles away from her and to be honest I miss my mum ....although really I miss the 'idea' of a mum that I never seemed to have ..

Sorry that turned into more of a blub than a question!!!

[WideWebWitch]

Sorry about your mum fastasleep. It's not your fault though you know, absolutely not, you are not responsible for her drinking. And you shouldn't listen to anything she has to say on how to be a good mother, she hasn't been one herself has she? Have you contacted al anon? They're here Has she said she's coming to the party? Sorry you're going through this.

[Fastasleep]

Yes she's most definately coming! I haven't contacted Al Anon myself yet.. thanks for the reply...it was just a big sniffle really!

[gothicmama]

Have you tried helpfor families
It may help you put her alcohol abuse in to perspective.
It is very positive of you to invite her to your ds's birthday, it is a good step for her to prove herslef to you. If it does not work out you have the knowledge you tried everything . If it does than there is a start - a new begiinning to devloping a relatinship with her. I would handle it by being nice , do n't offer her any alcohoetc. play it by ear and be relaxed I hpe it works out for you other peole will probable have brillant advice or experiencde to pass on

[WideWebWitch]

They might help you with some ideas of how to cope with whatever happens. They will have people you can talk to who have been in the same situation.

[elliesmoomoo]

I really hope you and Theo have a great day and that you and your Mum can put things behind you at least 4 one day. By the sounds of it you are doing an excellent job of being a Mummy I'm 21 and breastfeed my little girl so i know how hard it is Im also married

[LapsedGymJunkie]

Do you have any brothers or sisters to share this burden with ??

[Fastasleep]

Aww thanks for the links... I guess I'll try to be nice! The thing is she's fine at being nice in the day, and she's just great at being the pained mother in front of my friends too lol it's like an evening drinking problem - past 6pm and she's a different person... most people have no idea what I'm going on about, like my parents in law - until she started calling continually and saying awful things down the phone at me one night I was staying over there... I really hope that when she comes she'll be able to tell me that she's doing something about her problem but I really doubt it ...I also have no idea what the hell to say to her after 4 months!

[Fastasleep]

LGJ nope, I'm an only one

[WideWebWitch]

Could you have a day time party and send her home?

[NotQuiteCockney]

Do you have caller ID, or whatever it's called in the UK? That way, if she starts drunk-dialling again, you can just not answer the phone if it's her?

Do you get on well with your husband's mum? Could she be a motherly person for you? Or do you have any local older friends you get on with?

I get on ok with my mum (and my MIL), but we have a neighbour who is a pseudo-gran to our kids, which is a great arrangement.

[Fastasleep]

It is a daytime party, but she doesn't always stick to the 6pm rule.... All my friends are 10 years + older than me, as I made a whole new set when I moved here and they're all mums... I do get on with my MIL but she isn't really the motherly type, (to me anyway!) more of a good friend... she does babysit Theo every now and again... I'm sure I'll be fine; if she lets me down then I'll make it clear to her about how upset I am and leave it with her to make up her mind (again) about whether she wants to change....ugh! I just wish families weren't so difficult!

[Fastasleep]

Ooh we don't have caller ID...I did want to invest in it at one point but we're skint! I might think about it if she ever starts calling again.

[eefs]

fastasleep - try to get your DH on your side to take care of your mother or even ask her to leave if she get's rowdy. That way you'll feel more secure with some support around.
She might hopefully be grateful to you for making the first step and try to hold back while she's there (or, if she's as petty as her phonecalls sound she may be jealous of your relationship with your dh's family and deliberately act up - this is why you'll need you dh to support you and ask her to leave).
I hope it works out - let us know.