How can I help my children cope with separation?

[Sapphire]

My partner and I are separating after nine years; I am taking the children to live in a rented house about 4 miles away. Our relationship was extremely violent and controlling for a long time, and my only way of coping was to shut everything away. However, over the last couple of years I have faced up to what happened, and now find that I no longer love my partner, or can put up with being with him every day, even though he is trying really hard to make things up to me. Although things are much calmer now I feel that I have to leave to regain peace of mind and have the time to "find" myself. He has finally accepted that I am leaving, and things are now quite amicable. My worry is our children - Carly, 6 and David, 3. Carly is quite looking forward to moving as her dad scares her when he loses his temper or shouts, although she does love him to bits and will miss him loads. David, though, is being very reluctant, every time I mention the move he says "I dont want another house, I want to stay in this house". Im keeping them at the same schools/playgroup, and they will see their dad regularly. Does anyone have any advice on how best to settle them into our "new life"?

[Cherrian]

Sapphire
I too think you are being very brave and strong to leave your partner. As one who has gone through a separation recently, and am now alone with my 5 year old little girl, the thing that has probably helped both her and me the most has been the kindness and generous support of (largely) friends - listening to our stories, babysitting, inviting us to lunch on Sunday etc. So I do hope you have kind supportive people around you for the days when things feel wobbly (as they probably will). My situation was different in that it was my husband who moved out to his own flat a few miles away, but I suspect we had to face similar sorts of issues to those facing you now.

So here, for what it's worth, is some of the advice given to us, and what happened in practice. This advice was given to my husband and I by a child psychiatrist we visited both before we actually separated and for several months after. She said that what was important was to be honest about why we were separating (age appropriately), and to tell her what would happen to her - where she would stay, how often she would see her dad - stuff like that. It sounds as if you've already done all that with your children. It was suggested that I should go with her to visit his flat the first time she went there and help her to settle, and that she should choose toys etc to take with her to make it feel more like home. I think Batters' idea of involving Carly and David in the decorating etc of your new house would be the same idea applied to your situation. We also used a book about divorce which I found in the library as a basis for helping her talk to us if she wanted to about her thoughts and feelings. We were warned that she would believe the separation was all her fault at some level, and so it was important to reassure her that it wasn't her fault, and that we both loved her, frequently and often. This turned out to be a key piece of advice - for several months after the separation (when she was seeing her dad briefly several evenings a week and for one day most weekends), she had occasional bursts of inconsolable sobbing when her dad was about to leave or she hadn't seen him for a while and was missing him terribly (eg the first time we went on holiday without him which was about a month after he had left). She also asked us both frequently how much did we love her and needed lots and lots of reassurance on that score.
Nine months on, things are more settled, but she still has wobblies from time to time. As do I. Our relationship has inevitably become more intense, and the need to draw on friends to help keep that intensity in check continues to be really important. BUT. Having said all that, she is coping. She seems to have accepted that her dad has a new partner and that he is going to move in with her soon (but watch this space to see what happens in reality when she has to stay there for the first time!). She has settled into her new big school pretty well, and has made friends there. We let the school know her situation and her teacher has been very sensitive in handling any difficulties that have arisen. I was also told that if I was alright, my kid would be alright - she would take her lead from me - and that has been my experience. For me, it has come down to the fact that when I feel supported I can support her. So my friends and what little family I have have taken on a new importance for both of us.
GOOD LUCK.