Feel like my wife dont find me attractive and i have lost all confidence

[mixbag]

Lately I have had lots trouble with my self confidence in all areas of me and my wifes relationship.I have spoken to my wife regarding this but she keeps blameing herself.She recons i should see a doctor and i just laugh as i know the way my head works in time i know i will feel better as i have had spells like this in past when i dont feel to good about myself.How do i asure my wife that it is not her fault and for her to just accept that im feeling down atm.

My wife won't initiate in the bedroom. Me and my wife have been together for about 2 and half years and our bedroom department has always been healthy but within that time i think my wife has only ever initiated once.Atm i have no confidence in myself and am scared to make any sort of advances towards my wife in fear of rejection. Yesterday is good exsample all day wife seemed in good mood and in the mood normaly she just gives a peck when going out but instead she gave me very pashonate kiss.So on the evening decided to have an early night in hope that she might make some sort of advance but instead she goes to sleep. It hurts that my wife dont make any advances towards me and makes me feel unatractive and unwanted.

[girlnextdoor]

Your lack of self-confidence is not your wife's responsibility and it is not up to her to make you "better"- you need professional help, such as counselling or coaching.

Why should you wait for your wife to initiate the passion? Have you ever thought that she might feel unattractive,as YOU aren't making advances towards her?

If I were your wife, and I gave you a passionate kiss, that would be a sign that i was in the mood for more- and I'd want you to take the lead at bedtime- why were you waiting for her?

I don't understand why your wife "keeps blaming herself" for your lack of confidence- yet says she thinks you should see a dr.

Your post seems a bit contradictory in places.

If you want sex, just initiate it- you seem to be making all kinds of odd excuses.

[RubySlippers]

if you laugh when she offers advice perhaps she feels rejected too?

are you depressed - on any meds?

perhaps you need to talk to her rather than assuming stuff?

[ActingNormal]

Would you say you needed a lot of reassurance that she loves you? Do you have things in your past which would have caused you to feel insecure? If you sorted out how you feel about past things would you feel better?

Do you both want the same amount of sex? Or is it just who initiates it that upsets you? Could you talk about taking it in turns to initiate it? Have you told her how you feel about it or does this scare you?

Sorry about all the questions but I think you need to get to the root of what is causing your problems.

[mixbag]

RubySlippers
I laugh at the fact she mentions me going to doctors she knows i have bad spells when i feel down but she also knows that my attitude to life is get on with it.Even if i was depressed i wouldenet goto a doctors and my wife knows this.Basicly my wife has the attitude of if she feels down or depresed she goes to doctors (she has history of depreshion) ware as if i feel down or depressed i get on with it.I have also tryed talking to my wife but im still feeling the same.

girlnextdoor
Im not blaming my wife for my lack of confidence, but because of my lack of confidence im noticing things a lot more that i never used to notice.

quote
If I were your wife, and I gave you a passionate kiss, that would be a sign that i was in the mood for more- and I'd want you to take the lead at bedtime- why were you waiting for her? end quote

Well the kiss was lot earlyer in the day so when got 5 kids running around not rearly possible.But once it got to the evening i was feeling unsure and low so dident know what to exspect was scared to make advances incase i got regected. Also after 2 and half years marriage why should i have to initiate all time still, personaly im sick of the always being the one to initiate.

[mixbag]

ActingNormal
Because im feling so low and lack confidence atm yes i feel like i need a lot of reasurace.Even when she says she loves me it feels like she is forcing it and dont rearly want to say it.Normaly i dont need reasuring as long as she seems happy.

As regardes to our sex life i feel we have both always had high sex drives I have mentioned to her on couple times about her initiating over time but nothing changed.

[Iwanttobreakfree]

Sorry this isn't going to help but...

...you sound just like my husband, and I am thinking of leaving him!

Maybe there is another reason why she doesn't feel like initiating. Maybe her sex drive is just low. Maybe she feels like you badger her for it. Maybe she is just really stressed cos she has a lot to do round the house all day with 5 kids? maybe she is worried about getting pregnant again??? Maybe she is upset that you won't accept that you might need to ask for help re your depression. I don't know I am just guessing.

It does sound like there is a lot more to it than just what you have said. You need to sit down and discuss it without blame or malice. Maybe relate might help?

[girlnextdoor]

You have got 5 kids

maybe your wife is just plain exhausted at the end of every day. Does she work or do full time child care?

If you are scared of making advances in case you are rejected, then how can you expect your wife to take that risk too? it's ok for you to feel lacking in confidence- but possibly not her?

Have you asked her why she doesn't want sex?

[mixbag]

Iwanttobreakfree
My wife has never mentioned haveing low sex drive and i would understand fully if she did thats part of life some people do if that was the case i would accept it.Me and my wife share duties around the house so i do just as much as her.She cant get preg due to coil.As for badgering i know my wife if she is not in the mood she just would just say, same as im not always in the mood.

girlnextdoor
Me and my wife both out of work so we shared duties and responsibilitys. I have actualy asked her if she still finds me atractive sexualy and she says yes.

[LadyThompson]

Mixbag, if she is still kissing you like that with five kids about the place, I think your concern is unfounded!

I do understand though, from personal experience, that it's nice if the other person initiates things sometimes, especially if they never do.

Five kids is a lot of work and though you share the duties she IS probably just knackered, simple as that. Why not chat to her about it but very gently, so she doesn;t think you are blaming her? Or try and inject a bit of romance back into things. It might encourage her.

[mixbag]

LadyThompson
Thank you sounds like found some1 who actualy understands a little bit of how i feel, not just trying to defend my wife instead of actualy trying to understand how i feel.I think i posted bad exsample of how im feeling regarding the initiating.When i think its more to wanting to feel loved and needed.

[LadyThompson]

Well, I DO actually understand a bit. But I bet she loves you tons. If you put it to her in terms of wanting to feel loved and needed (and why not? Everyone does, don't they?) I bet you will find she is really understanding. And you can also find out at the same time what SHE wants as well, which is equally important of course. Good luck. But you'll be fine, bet you any money!

[IorekByrnison]

Just another thought about the division of work in the house, as this thread is reminding me of a study in the news a while back which showed that the more housework a woman's husband did the higher her sex drive was.

I know you said you share the chores, but given that the workload must be very high with 5 kids to look after, it might be worth talking to her to make sure that she feels that the household chores and childcare are divided up fairly. If she's harbouring resentments because she's exhausted and feels you should be doing more, it will make her feel unloved, and much less inclined to be loving.

[ActingNormal]

So is the current lack of confidence because of her not initiating sex or has something else happened recently that has made you feel like this?

I think LadyThompson's advice is really good, about putting it in words of wanting to feel loved and needed, this is the sort of language women understand .

[Jux]

mixbag, some people are the type who just feel responsible for things. It has taken me quite a few years not to feel for responsible for dh's health and happiness and I still feel guilty about pretty well everything (but now I know how to ignore it!). My dh falls into bouts of depression and for years I was thinking it was kind of my fault, didn't get beyond "what can I do" to "what can I do to help you". And of course, if you're stuck at "what can I do" then you're not helping because you can't do anything, it's the person you want to make better who has to do something. I don't think I'm expressing myself well, here, but hope you get my drift.

Your wife probably is just knackered. 5 kids means years and years of too much to do and not enough sleep.

You sound to me like you have a good relationship, but disagree on the way you each deal with health-type problems. This isn't serious, each to their own. The only thing about it is if you are feeling low and waiting for it to go away, does your need for reassurance put extra strain on your wife?

[mixbag]

Many factors i belive could be causeing my lack of confidence,her never initiating is one of them its making me feel unatractive and unwanted, but only reason i belive im noticing this is because im feeling so low atm.Then thares the summer holidays kids of school for 7 weeks stressfull so stress and lack confidence having nock on effect. Stress making me feel worse atm so confidence is droping more.When i get stressed i feel low when i feel low i notice things more when i notice things confidence drops. Also about two weeks ago me and wife had an argument regarding past relationships ( were filling in some forms that needed details of past relationships) Wouldent normaly talk about past but. I found out some information about my wife number people she had slept with, and in anger i asked if i was the best she had ever been with i dont know why i asked but at the time i wanted to know.Problem hear is she answered but was reluctant and hesitated before she answered in my eyes thats a sign of lieing, and we have talked many times since then about it when we have been calm but i cant get it out my head.I belive this is main cause of my low confidence.

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

No-one is going to pin a medal on your chest for just "getting on with it" - You're wasting time when you could be feeling better and enjoying life, and you're probably making your family miserable too. My dad had depression for years, we all suffered along with him. It wasn't exactly a fun childhood.

Even if you don't fancy taking antidepressants there are steps you can take to to tackle the way you're feeling, and the best place to start IS at your doctors.

So perhaps time to stop thinking just of yourself, stop laughing at your wife's good advice and work on getting yourself sorted out.

[solidgoldbrass]

Yes, see a doctor. For your family's sake if not your own. Living with an untreated depressive is absolutely awful: they may not be able to help being ill, but if they reject all attempts at sorting themselves out and just bleat and moan and whine then they become an absolute burden rather than a loving partner.

[Jux]

Oh dear, it was silly to ask her that. I would be hugely reluctant to answer dh if he asked me (and he is the best - by a huge margin too!). TBH, I think an apology wouldn't be out of order here.

[ActingNormal]

I know what you mean about the stress of having the kids home (and I've only got two!). Stress makes all your 'emotional problems' intensified. Feeling like you are finding it hard to cope makes you doubt your confidence. You can be comforted by knowing that the stress will ease a bit when the holidays end. And it really sounds like your wife's past relationships are eating away at the back of your mind making you doubt whether you are good enough. You ARE good enough. She is staying with you and you are still having sex. Your other qualities will be much more important to her than sex as well. You sound like a caring and considerate person and that you are supporting your wife well in bringing up your children.

You will make your wife uncomfortable and irritated if you go on to her about her past relationships. You could have a playful conversation one evening over a bottle of wine about "what are the little things that you like most in bed?" and "what things do you not like in bed?". If you really find out about what each other likes then you will be more able to give it to each other.

I know it is sometimes hard to talk about, I find it hard to say what I want. Or you could ask her to tell you during sex if she is really liking a particular thing, then you know to do more of it (this is the way I've managed to get DH to do more of what I want because I'm too scared to directly say "I want you to do x".

You will feel more positive if you are focussing on how you can feel you are doing it better (if you are having doubts about yourself in this area), than by obsessing over how good some bloke in the past was (who she didn't stay with because he wasn't as good as you in other areas). You are the one she wants to be with.

[mixbag]

Jux
She asked me i answered then i asked her.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana and solidgoldbrass

When it comes to being depressed im not going to see a doctor and hide behind medication when i know myself well enough to know i can pull myself out of it.My wife has suffered from depreshion for years.Yet i stand buy her if she takes medication or not.I only ask the same from her i chose not to take medication and sort problems myself.I see no harm in this and if other people do thats thare choice.Medication to me is easy way out, and i feel i dont need it.

gtg wife home cyas 2moz

[girlnextdoor]

If you are reading this, just to say that medication is not now the first choice for depression- GPs should refer you to counselling, or for CBT.

If they don't, they are not following new guidelines.

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

By JamesAndTheGiantBanana on Tue 29-Jul-08 16:58:21

Even if you don't fancy taking antidepressants there are steps you can take to tackle the way you're feeling, and the best place to start IS at your doctors.

Do you regard people who seek help as weak?

You are a parent, you have to make choices not only for yourself but also for your family as a whole. If that means sucking it up and seeking help for YOUR problems, then you need to do it. Plenty of us on here have. I'm doing so currently because if I was to allow my depression to continue it would impact on my little boy's quality of life. Think about it.

[IorekByrnison]

Agree with others that to find the solution to this problem you need to address your own depression and problems with self-esteem rather than just asking your wife to change her behaviour. It sounds as though the way things are now, you would have difficulty trusting her or fully accepting her love however she shows it.

From what you say, I would think you are right that medication is probably not the solution. I think it would be a really good idea to see your doctor and ask about CBT. I know it's hard when you're not used to doing things this way, but worth a try for the sake of your relationship.

[solidgoldbrass]

The trouble is with not seeking proper help for your depression is that you can slide into the trap of blaming someone else for it - such as your wife - and nagging her or even bullying her. Which means she gets irritable with you and backs away from you (and certainly isn't going to want sex with you.)
Depressive illnesses are horrible partly because they can make the sufferer so unpleasant to live with because they cause such self-obsession. Your problems are not your wife's fault. They are not anyone's fault. But if you consistently refuse to seek any kind of treatment for your suffering then that does sort of become your fault.

[duomonstermum]

you sound like my DH. he is finally getting some help from his GP. he refuses to talk to a councellor but has started to tell me when things are getting to him and going to the gym seems to be helping. it took me threatening to leave before he did anything but after 13yrs of what can only be described as water torture i had enough. he's trying to address the underlying issues and we're making the effort to go out together on date nights.we get a good friend to babysit and go to the cinema or to the pub for a couple of hours. no talking about the kids is allowed so it's really nice to have a few hours when we don't have to be mum and dad and it usually ends with one of us initiating sex. seeing as it's usually me it's nice when he does it for a change it's not the answer to all our problems but it makes it a lot more bearable when he's having one of his "days".