My DH seems to think that he can contine to lead his pre-children life - am I alone?

[manicmumsday]

Am I alone?

My DH is self employed and works from home. His job isn't particularly stressful, he doesn't work long hours and gives himself plenty of time off YET he has just left me to cook dinner, do bathtime and put our 2 DS's to bed alone while he goes out drinking with his friends. Our second DS is only 2 months old and I'm not getting much sleep at the moment but that doesn't seem to register with him, especially as he's sleeping in the spare room for now to avoid the disturbed nights.

I've tried talking to him about how tired I am and how I need his help but it doesn't seem to make any difference. He seems to think that his life can continue as before.

Does anyone else have the same problem and how did they deal with it? I am far from being a martyr and do not want to put up with this but nagging doesn't work so I need to find a productive way of sorting this out. Would really really appreciate any words of wisdom anyone can share...

[blowsy]

He sounds like a selfish git and you need to tell him.

He should be running around looking after you as you have a new baby!

Men like this make me fume. Sit down with him and tell him he's out of order.

[manicmumsday]

Thanks Blowsy - I agree that he's out of order and being selfish. But when I try to tell him that, it doesn't seem to register. Just not sure how to get him to see how exhausting looking after a baby and a toddler can be without just leaving him to it for an evening and I'm not sure that would be fair on the children.

[Cies]

Well, leaving him to it for an evening seems a good idea. Maybe don't go out, but have a long bath, get into bed and read a book, and tell him he can sort out everything. Even an hour or two should show him how hard it it.

[warthog]

he needs to Grow Up and i'm amazed he didn't with dc1! sounds like he's getting away with murder.

have you tried explicitly telling him what he needs to do? ie. instead of saying 'i need you to help more', say 'please bath ds1 and put him to bed, then hang the washing out.'. and he does need to cut back on pub expeditions. agree a number of times he goes out during the week, and also agree time when you're off duty to do whatever you like, even if it's just having a long soak in the bath and not going anywhere.

[unavailable]

Why are you worried about leaving him to it for an evening? What is the worst you think could happen? Being in your shoes is probably the only way he will appreciate what you do every day, as it hasnt registered when you speak with him about it. They are his children too and he needs to know how to look after them if he is to have a proper relationship with them as they grow up. I think taking yourself off for a day could do you all a big favour.

[manicmumsday]

The worst that could happen is that DS1 will have a major wobbly, the baby will scream all evening and DH will end up shouting at DS1. Bit hard to relax in the bath and with a book with all of that going on so I'd need to go out, which might be tricky as I'm b'feeding DS2 so wouldn't be able to go far.

As for telling him what to do, I do that already. I just feel sad that I have to boss him around to get him to help and that he never sees that I'm exhausted and offers to help. Surely we're supposed to be in this together and it's not my responsibility to do everything unless I specifically ask him for help? This isn't what I signed up to when I got married.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Sounds like you have allowed a situation where you do everything and allwo him to do nothing. Seriously, what do you mean, it wouldn't be fair to leave him with the children? Does he never play with them? Yes, they might miss their bath/sleep routine might be a bit out/whatever, but nobody is born knowing how to parent. You have allowed him to get by with no parenting skills and the only way he will learn them is to have a go. They are his kids too so you tell him you are going out tonight, nappies are here, bottles made up, 40 secs on full power blah blah...and let him get on with it. Let him learn how to look after his kids and learn to let go a bit.
I'm not blaming you at all, if he's useless I can understand why you wouldn't want to leave the kids, but the only way he will get less useless is with practice. He also sees it all as your job and has no appreciation of what you do, even if you still end up doing the lion's share, when you do leave them with him he will appreciate you more.

[flubdub]

Oh god, I had this ALOT! My dp had had a rough time in the past; his ex wouldnt let him see his two young kids, he was depressed as both his parents had died, but it didnt excuse what he did.
He ran off to the pub ALL the time, sometimes he came back, mostly he didnt. He'd always done drugs(weed, coke a little), and wasnt stopping. Once he even said he was going for a walk, and I didnt see im for 23 hours!
The thing was, i already had a child from a previous relationship, and he said he thought of him as his own, so he should have calmed down really.
I got pregnant, and about 6 months into the relationship, it all stopped. hes not got drunk since (baby is now 3 months old) and he says he doesnt want to act like that any more.
Some men are just selfish, and tbh, i think most men want to carry how they used to. Why wouldnt they? But it certainly isnt fair, and does need to be addressed.
Sit him down, tell him straight. Tell him wht bothers you, and what you want him to change. Tell him how it is when hes not there (ie, kids hard work etc) and that you need his support.